My Battle with GAD

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Sunday, 27 June 2004

Posted by: bpack1 on Sunday, June 27, 2004

I know I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child, but never really knew what it was until I reached 27 years old. My mother suffered terribly from agoraphobia for many years. She could not even walk to the mailbox without someone next to her.

Anyway, I remember when I first started going to school I would make myself so nervous I would throw up every morning. Sign #1. I also remember not being able to look at things like license plates because I was afraid the numbers would get stuck in my head. OCD? Probably.

We moved away from upstate New York and for some reason it sort of all went away. I was constantly nervous throughout my childhood, but nothing I could not deal with.

Jump to the age of 27. I have always been heavily involved in guitar and music. I was in a band and remember coming home from practice with my ears ringing. I have always been protective of my ears but for some reason this freaked me out. That night I did not sleep a wink and began to get more and more paranoid. From there it was a downhill spiral. I could not sleep, had Diarrhea, nausea, stomach issues galore. I really thought I was going nuts.

I found a psychiatrist, but this was so new to me I did not know what to do or who to trust. He put me on lorezapam, I was scared to death of meds. I thought for sure I would become a pill popping drug addict, so I took as little as possible and did not follow the orders of the doctor. Of course I got much much worse.

After numerous doctors I finally found a counselor and a psychiatrist I felt comfortable with. I started taking Zoloft and Klonopin and slowly weaned my way off of the Klon but stayed on the Zoloft. I also went to counseling once a week to #1 help understand GAD and #2 get over my fear of medications and #3 try and find good positive ways to battle this crippling condition.

I was really really good for the next 7 years, taking Klonopin sparingly but staying on a maintenance dose of Zoloft. 1 year ago this June my wife and I found out we were pregnant with Child #2. She miscarried and the year from hell started there. After 2 D&C surgeries we found out she had pre cancer cells in her cervix which would have gone undetected without the biopsies from the miscarriage. Two cone biopsies later, we still did not remove the pre cancer. Finally after consults from two cancer docs, we decided a hysterectomy was the only fix.

That happened a month ago. I was great through the whole thing until about 2 weeks before the surgery. With the added pressure of not knowing what they might find when she went under, taking care of my son and the household, work etc. it just became too much. Downward Spiral #2.

I went back to my counselor and my med doc. I am right now on a small dose of Klonopin 1.5mg/day and still on the Zoloft. I believe God saved my wife and I believe God has given me the tools to battle this. I will eventually wean my way off of the Klon again, but I will do it under the faith that my doctor feels I am ready. My mother takes .5 to .75 mg of Klonopin everyday and has for years so I believe medication is here to help. But I would never take medication without some counseling.

Summary. Trust God, your doctor, your counselor and your friends and family.

God bless you all.

Brian
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