yes i only seem to come on here when things are sucking badly, but this one may work out in the end. so me and the bf broke up yesterday - we've been "trying" which apparently just meant "let's fight to the bitter end" and once the end hit now it's "hey, remember all the good things? ya, i'm gonna start doing those again in hopes that you change your mind." and i really want to cave in and self destruct and run away and hide at my parents. when we're not working out how to divide things up, he's asking me if i'm sure or if i want things to be the way they were again. my reply is i want the house and the dogs, and besides that i don't care, and i don't know.
i am scared. so scared that i can't do this on my own - i don't even have a job and the thought of getting one freaks me out and makes me cry. i don't want the relationship, so i'm trying to stay strong, but how many times do i have to be strong?! "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"?! well maybe stop having so much faith in me. i'm terrified i'll be alone for the rest of my life, that i'll end up homeless, or worse, back at my parents (lol). i'm scared to stand on my own two feet because they are attached to some really shaky legs. and then i'm resentful - so resentful of this "anxiety problem", this "mental disorder", because without it, i would have a good job, my own place, and i wouldn't hesitate to do my own thing. i would LIVE. and i know its the mental block, the meds take care of the attacks for the most part, so if i could just get these terrible thoughts out of my head i would maybe stand a chance.