yes i only seem to come on here when things are sucking badly, but this one may work out in the end. so me and the bf broke up yesterday - we've been "trying" which apparently just meant "let's fight to the bitter end" and once the end hit now it's "hey, remember all the good things? ya, i'm gonna start doing those again in hopes that you change your mind." and i really want to cave in and self destruct and run away and hide at my parents. when we're not working out how to divide things up, he's asking me if i'm sure or if i want things to be the way they were again. my reply is i want the house and the dogs, and besides that i don't care, and i don't know.
i am scared. so scared that i can't do this on my own - i don't even have a job and the thought of getting one freaks me out and makes me cry. i don't want the relationship, so i'm trying to stay strong, but how many times do i have to be strong?! "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"?! well maybe stop having so much faith in me. i'm terrified i'll be alone for the rest of my life, that i'll end up homeless, or worse, back at my parents (lol). i'm scared to stand on my own two feet because they are attached to some really shaky legs. and then i'm resentful - so resentful of this "anxiety problem", this "mental disorder", because without it, i would have a good job, my own place, and i wouldn't hesitate to do my own thing. i would LIVE. and i know its the mental block, the meds take care of the attacks for the most part, so if i could just get these terrible thoughts out of my head i would maybe stand a chance.
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Loves October
said:
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... I actually don't believe in God not giving us more than we can handle theory. God gives us more than we can handle all the time. Otherwise, we'd never turn to Him and see Him meet our needs. I think this comes from a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians 10:13. But about your post, I was you 23 years ago. I was in the death throes of a doomed relationship. One of those things where you don't really want to move forward in the relationship, but you don't want to be alone. Four years later, I met my husband. In the meantime, I finished school and got a job. I did live at home with my Mom and brother - my Dad had died several years before. Would you consider moving in with your parents until you get back on your feet? Can you look for jobs with people you know who may know your situation and give you a chance? |
ninjakitteh
said:
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... yes, that is what i've been trying to do - i talked to a few people i know about a couple of odd jobs, and i have one friend that owns a store that said i could work there with really flexible hours and no pressure. i could move back to my parents house, but i really really don't want to have to - kind of a last resort. i mean, i'm 32 years old - and have lived on my own since i was 15, except for a couple of years when i first started having panic attacks, so i'm kind of wanting to keep that little bit of independence. idk, i'm working on it tho :) |
