I am SO,SO aggravated with this anxiety. I want to live a normal life. I want to be able to go out and do things w/o the constant worrying. I wwant my mind to be relaxed.
Lately, it's like my mind can't slow down. I can't stop worrying. About what? Anything and EVERYTHING!!! It's like I can't even think and I know I can (obviousely) but it's a horrible feeling. How do you get your mind to STOP worrying?! It's like the only time I'm relaxed is when I am either almost asleep or just waking up. I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS !!
I feel like a bad person, a bad mother, a bad friend, a bad wife, etc. My husband is completely useless to me w/ this anxiety. It's weird b/c he's my "comfort" but he insults me SO bad over the anxiety and thinks I can just "get over it"! SO, why is he my comfort? I think it's b/c when my dad died, he was my comfort, he understood it b/c he suffered from it too and now I don't have him :( So, I looked for the next "main" person in my life.
I honestly don't ever see our marriage being perfect. I know nothing is perfect but we don't go a day, not even a few hours w/o an argument, so WHY is it that I feel I NEED him?? I just wish he understood me and this disorder more!! Maybe one day he will. I mean we have our "other" problems as well as the anxiety but our other problems just make it SO much worse for my anxiety.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. We're supposed to go away tomorrow night for the holiday but I am really not wanting to go and it's not so much b/c of my anxiety but b/c of the "fake" show he puts on for others. I don't know, we'll see what happens...
On a good note, my regular doc DID refill my meds on Thursday so that I have them until I go to my psychiatrist on July 8th. Also, I am supposed to take 2 klonopins a day and take them within 5 hrs. apart. Well, today my anxiety was acting up before we went shopping so I took another one (my second dose) after I had already taken my first and I was VERY relaxed when we went. So, I'm thinking I may need a stronger dose. But, I won't be able to discuss that until I see my psychiatrist.