i'm SO aggravated!!!

Posted by: mama2three in Untagged  on  PDF

mama2three

  I am SO,SO aggravated with this anxiety.  I want to live a normal life.  I want to be able to go out and do things w/o the constant worrying.  I wwant my mind to be relaxed.

  Lately, it's like my mind can't slow down.  I can't stop worrying.  About what?  Anything and EVERYTHING!!!  It's like I can't even think and I know I can (obviousely) but it's a horrible feeling.  How do you get your mind to STOP worrying?!  It's like the only time I'm relaxed is when I am either almost asleep or just waking up.  I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS !!  

  I feel like a bad person, a bad mother, a bad friend, a bad wife, etc.   My husband is completely useless to me w/ this anxiety.  It's weird b/c he's my "comfort" but he insults me SO bad over the anxiety and thinks I can just "get over it"!  SO, why is he my comfort?  I think it's b/c when my dad died, he was my comfort, he understood it b/c he suffered from it too and now I don't have him :(  So, I looked for the next "main" person in my life. 

  I honestly don't ever see our marriage being perfect.  I know nothing is perfect but we don't go a day, not even a few hours w/o an argument, so WHY is it that I feel I NEED him??  I just wish he understood me and this disorder more!!  Maybe one day he will.  I mean we have our "other" problems as well as the anxiety but our other problems just make it SO much worse for my anxiety.

  I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  We're supposed to go away tomorrow night for the holiday but I am really not wanting to go and it's not so much b/c of my anxiety but b/c of the "fake" show he puts on for others.  I don't know, we'll see what happens...

  On a good note, my regular doc DID refill my meds on Thursday so that I have them until I go to my psychiatrist on July 8th.  Also, I am supposed to take 2 klonopins a day and take them within 5 hrs. apart.  Well, today my anxiety was acting up before we went shopping so I took another one (my second dose) after I had already taken my first and I was VERY relaxed when we went.  So, I'm thinking I may need a stronger dose.  But, I won't be able to discuss that until I see my psychiatrist.    

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mel said:

3975
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Hi Laura,
I know perfectly well how you feel, your despair when it comes to leading a normal life is my despair, exactly the way you described it. The past 4 days were horrible, I was kinda on the right track before that and then there was an awful stressful event just after we spoke for the last time - a neighbor who was in no way harmed by one of the dogs I care about threatened to find somebody to shoot him. Well, I didn't have any panic attack as an immediate response, actually I was very alert and prone to try to save a being I very much care about - the vet was called in the middle of the night because there are new microchips now that guarantee dogs' safety, any act against such a dog is a crime and the police comes. So I had to carry around up and down huge stairs two dogs of 15 kilos each to help the vet and take care of vaccines and everything that goes together with the microchip - I managed, but it is really too heavy even for someone much fitter than me. The day later I was in aches, the stress response was out of proportion and I started having pains in lower abdomen. Probably due to carrying around all that weight, but my God I never felt such pains.. Stress gave me back all digestion issues in an instant, so the double pain was horrible. At that point I transferred my great fear of that awful person shooting the dogs to completely insane fear for my health, I couldn't shake off the thought that I was having cancer of my uterus or something although I know perfectly well that nobody diagnosed any such thing yet. I just worry and worry and worry.. up to the point that I almost couldn't have stood nausea and had very bad shakes of my limbs this evening. My dad is out of town, my mom completely not supportive this time - I just can't explain that I do feel a very bad pain an a very bad place for a woman, a pain I never felt before and that I'm scared to death. At least I called to see if I can get a check-up tomorrow or this week and I have to fight alone. I also get insulted to some extent or another if I complain about anxiety (which is skyrocketing right now) and I "have to get over it" - well, if they think it's so easy, let them (I mean my mom and your husband) make a recovery program for people like us, I really wouldn't mind if they won a Nobel prize as not even the best experts in this world can find a definite answer for this disorder. My mom gets really angry when I tell her that she wants to outsmart the best psychiatrists in this world and actually say that they shouldn't exist, as there is nothing to cure.
So while shaking this evening I took a double benzo dose, and after like an hour and a half I got better to the point of managing to get the cancer at least 75% out of my obsessions - the problem is that everybody nowadays talk about regular check-ups to discover the problem (if it exists) at an early stage and you can see everywhere the numbers of women having bad feminine problems, it makes me freak out even more. The moral here would be that the sedatives DO help when the fear is out of control and I really don't know how I would manage otherwise. Once I tried to "endure" without starting these meds again for several days when I had a very bad anxiety, it got to the point that with each new day I couldn't swallow anything. So now I just go for helping myself the only way I know.
So don't feel bad if you need a stronger dose, your doc will decide and surely help you if it is needed..
 
May 24, 2009
Votes: +2

mel said:

3975
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also - I don't want to hear ever again that you feel that you are a bad mother, bad friend, bad person, bad wife.. IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT!!! You are one of the most caring persons I EVER met in my entire life, I mean when I just read your comments here, you have so much sympathy and love for everybody, you are happy for our successes and you suffer with us when we fail - if you are a bad person, then who is a good one??! You are a wonderful person and I'm sure that you put a lot of love, care and effort into raising your children you love so much - do you really think that a bad mother care so much for her children? I know some that are considered good, but very often act like your husband - oh I don't have nerves to deal with the kid now, oh really, play with the kid, give me a break etc.. You are always there for others, maybe even more than for yourself.. so how does that make you a bad friend?? You're a very good and an extremely sensitive friend, ready to listen and help all the time. Believe me when I tell you that I don't have ANY friend who would be like that for me at any time, they are there, but they always put themselves in the first place. So if you are a bad friend, how should I call all this people I know?? As for being a bad wife, I'm sure that there are problems that get even more difficult because of anxiety, I know there are a lot of fights between you two, but just remember that a bad marriage like any other bad relationship between two people takes TWO to make it the way it is.. so if you have any responsibility, your husband has his HUGE share, too. It's not like he's being a wonderful guy, all loving and dedicated and you the only bad person in the story who doesn't know how to be a good wife to him. You need to love yourself more, this is where it all begins, from your own love for yourself and your belief in yourself. And you do have it, whenever you say that you CAN do this, survive this condition, you have at least some kind of belief. And if you believe, you can't think so low of yourself. Chin up and go ahead, you are GOOD in all possible senses. Nobody's perfect, we all make mistakes, but if we don't always live to that perfectionist picture we impose on ourselves, it doesn't mean we're bad people. Absolutely not.
I'm happy that your doc understood and gave you the refill until you get to see the psychiatrist, that's a very good thing because you don't need any more anxiety in your life. Stopping abruptly would mess your body but it would also give creeps in your thoughts, because something like that gives you fear that something bad can happen, because we all DO develop at least psychological dependency. We all need to go off meds in an easy manner, when we get better and not because we don't have refills.
I also hate when my family acts in front of other people and pretend that everything's fine, so even if I could really go out normally, I would hate all that pretending.. but I do hope that at least for the sake of practice you went somewhere for the holiday, the more you face the fear, the better it will be.
For me is the same as for feeling calm, sometimes I have a break in the day for like 5 minutes before falling asleep and 5 minutes after I open my eyes, the rest is worry.. it's even worse not to have real obligation like you have with the kids, I have so much more time to JUST worry.. even when I sit in front of TV and watch let's say tennis, I'm uptight like a strung wire, my muscles are "ready for jumping", my shoulders uptight, my legs tense.. I NEVER relax.
I also lean on my parents for support because they are main persons in my life, but actually them being not supportive just like your husband should make one thing clear to us.. there really is no safe person, even if they are around, they actually do NOTHING to help.. I mean my mom can be as supportive as the best person in this world, but actually when I have an attack she can just sit beside and watch, it's up to me to endure what there is to endure.. so we have to understand that it is the same in all places or situations, ok we will most probably feel bad but there is no real magic cure as our lives and sanity are not in danger. Tonight I had "shakes and oh my God I'm losing my mind" attack but here I am again, one can not just jump in and out of sanity several times a day, you either have an insight or not. I just have to find a way to explain this to my gastric system right now.. :)
So all the best and DON'T THINK LOW of yourself, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON!!!
 
May 24, 2009
Votes: +1

mama2three said:

4031
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I am in tears right now. You are A M A Z I N G ! ! ! Ur words totally touch m heart and it's SO true. I AM a good mother! I was talking to my friend today and she said, "You're a good mother if you think you're a bad mother." I am ALWAYS overly worried how I reflect on them and I dont want them having this disorder. My daughter totally lit up my world last night. We were falling asleep together watching a movie and she said, "Oh wait mama", I was almost asleep. And she gets up, grabs something and is like, "I colored this for you." I held her and cried and I was SO VERY calm, I felt so wonderful. I prayed to God and thanked him for my blessings (my children.) Those are the moments that make this life (even through these horrible feelings) worth living!!!!
I know we CAN get through this and I have the daith that we WILL! Just like you w/ the dogs, you completely blocked out ur anxiety for a moment and was able to care for the dogs, thts inspiring as well, you are such a wonderful friend!!
 
May 24, 2009
Votes: +1

Nicole said:

3933
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I know what you mean, I'm sick of this anxiety too and wish I could lead a normal life! It's horrible to have to worry all the time and I dont' know about you but I get like songs stuck in my head that wont go away and constantly have noise and thoughts running through my head and its utterly exhausting. Really, I wish I could turn it off but I can't usually.
As for the being a bad mom thing I know also about tha tone, I feel guilty if sometimes I don't feel like fighting with my 3 year old to brush her teeth and just put her to bed without doing it, or if I don't feed her enough vegetables and she has chicken nuggets and fries for 2 nights in a row or shoot even 3 nights in a row I feel like I am a bad mom which is ridiculous because only a good mom would even worry about these things is what my doctor said. If you were a bad mom those thoughts would not even occur to you because you would not even care! Good luck to you Laura, hang in there, you are not alone!
 
May 25, 2009
Votes: +1

mama2three said:

4031
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Thank u Nicole. I know I'm not alone. I absolutely hate this anxiety, I feel like it's taking over my life sometimes. I can't stand the constant worrying and thoughts. I am SO scared that I'll go crazy. When will it just stop?!
 
May 27, 2009
Votes: +0

Mandy52385 said:

4138
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I know what you mean. You won't go crazy though (cause then we are all crazy hahaha). I wish I could give you a hug
 
May 28, 2009
Votes: +0

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