This is another one of these blogs that I'm going to write mainly to sort things out in my own head. I've been thinking an awful lot about my past and my present and my future and obviously my anxiety recently. I'm not sure where friends really fit on my journey with anxiety, I'm not sure I want them to fit or if I should expect them to fit. Is anxiety a private thing, should you expect support or should you use friends as a means of escaping the problem?
I've had a 'best friend' for almost ten years now, we went to primary school together and she had a terrible time with her mother who has always put her down and controlled her to an unbearable extent. Her mum never wanted her to be friends with me (or anyone) but I stuck in there and wanted to be there for her if she ever needed someone. When she was sixteen her mum threw her out of the house a few days before our exams started and she came to live with my family for a year. I think that's where it's went really wrong actually. She's always had a loud personality and a need to defend herself and her actions at every possible turn; she's my exact opposite. Until recently I felt that it was good that we were different, as though we complemented each other. I'm not loud, in fact I think I've always been a bit shy and mostly laid back, I'm a huge pacifist, I refuse to harm anyone even if they're harming me; it's very rare that I will enter into confrontation with anyone. As we've grown up there has been scenarios where she's not been a good friend to me, she's lashed out and abused me and I've always tried to defend her because somewhere in my head I thought it was the right thing to do? Everyone else we know has criticized me for how much I've put up with, most people don't understand why we're friends. I've always said I was just being patient and supportive...
The real issue is now that we're heading into our adult lives and for her, it isn't going to plan. I am happily engaged; my fiance was a friend of both of ours before we got together. However, she doesn't seem to have any happiness for me, she makes small, snide comments that used to be very subtle but now are quite obvious. She puts him down and puts me down which isn't fair on anyone. I'm going to University in september and still she isn't happy with that either, she won't talk about it or get excited with me, she even went as far as to say she wouldn't visit me.
We're both at the same college at the moment and we've got the same group of friends. All the other girls have said that she's not got my best interests at heart and recently she's been trying to come between me and my fiance. Strangely, she's started dating a man she met online a few months ago and is talking about moving in with him and having a baby. I have to say, as much as I want to see her happy, I am utterly horrified. However, her response is that I can't have an opinion because I'm engaged and I plan on moving in with my fiance in the near future.
I'm in a bit of a dilemma because as it stands my brain knows I should let the friendship go but my heart feels like I should just keep riding it out, that eventually she'll get where she wants to be in life and will be happy. To outsiders I know it seems like I should've cut her off a long time ago but I'm just not like that. I keep trying to see the good points of personality and every now and then she seems to be back to her normal self. The issue is with the 75% of the time where she sees me as her enemy and treats me as though I'm worthless. I stuck by her when she went through a serious case of depression and I was supportive every single day. However, she won't support me with my anxiety, she makes me feel insecure and tells me to 'get a grip'. Sometimes I do need someone to bring me back to reality but sometimes you need someone to listen and she's never that person. I can't decide if that's just because that's not in her personality or if she's just being a bad friend? Is it wrong to expect your friends to give you support with anxiety? When do you stop supporting friends that don't support you?
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Loves October
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... I'm in my mid-forties, but I'm going through the same thing. I'm exiting a friendship I've had since college. We met almost 25 years ago. We've gone through weddings, babies being born, times of our husbands being unemployed, etc. I've always heard that friends are "for a reason, a season, or forever". I've had brief friendships where I've known someone for a short time but they've made a profound impact on my life. I have one friend who will be in my life until one of us dies. But this friend has been for a season. Will I answer the phone when she calls? Of course. But I won't seek her out. She's hard-edged and too busy for me now. We're simply not compatible anymore. Your friend had a painful childhood and probably loves and appreciates you, but is possibly jealous of your life. My friend is the same way. My husband is a very kind and smart man. She's smarter than her husband and doesn't really respect him. He's been violent a couple of times. She's told me that I "married well" and she didn't. She had a bad mother, mine is loving. I think she thinks I've had it easy, although with my anxiety, I would beg to differ! She has no idea how I feel and calls me her best friend. I'm guarded now with what I confide in her. It may be used against me later by her :( I've been told by several people I respected that she's no good for me. I've just come to the point of being ready to let her go. Perhaps, like me, you'll talk to her occasionally. Regardless, be happy with the blessings in your life. You'll know if/when it's time to move on. |
macksmom
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... Dear Flossy, I don't think we can escape anxiety thru friends, since there is no escape. We make progress, we fall, and we get up and keep striving. As to keeping anxiety private and concealed, I thought about stevesmj's comments the other day about "our wounds needing to be opened and aired to allow healing." I don't think your friend has any concept of what you go thru on a daily basis. I think we need a safe person to talk to in order to go forward. I think she has added so much grief to your life, that you need to protect your well-being. You are not worthless! The time to stop supporting friends who don't support you is right NOW. I would be furious if someone told me to get a grip. Especially if that person is the one I had helped during HER depression. Reality will always return to you. I think her actions with the on-line relationship signal deeper problems that neither you or I have. What she is doing is so reckless. She chose that, let her live with it. Flossy, keep your chin up and stay focused on you. I also let my heart lead me. A therapist once drew on paper for me to see: Intellect/Heart. I'm still working on that, to listen to what my intellect says. Lisa |
Loves October
said:
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... Macksmom makes some very good points. One of my tests for female friends is "Are they supportive in a crisis?" I had someone in my life whom I talked to a great bit on the phone and went to her house. I thought it would be a lifelong friendship. Unfortunately, a crisis came up in my life and she was dismissive and unsupportive. With one sentence she uttered she went from a potential lifelong friend to someone who gets a Christmas card once a year. That's not to say that it's ok to be unforgiving or not allow people to be imperfect. It just means that sometimes you can tell who will really be around for you and who won't. Our struggles with anxiety are somewhat unusual and not everyone will understand. Why waste time with those who don't? |
flossy
said:
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... Thank you all very much, I've thought about this a lot and have decided to distance myself and allow myself to be surrounded by people who care. I've decided to give myself some time to think about what I need and want without worrying about what everyone else needs! xxx |
