Panic Survivor Members Blog

Having a hard time. Hubby just freaked out while playing a game with me online because people we were playing with weren't listening to him. So we both logged out. It isn't very fun for me without him lately anyway. I can understand how he got upset, but it seems disproportionate. I thought he might break his computer. Not the first time I've thought that, though thankfully he didn't. He has broken stuff in the past, but that was long ago. Still, I get afraid he will when he gets frustrated like that. 

I was disproportionally upset earlier too. I made a perfect Cream of Asparagus soup - in the canning pot, to freeze it. As it was cooling I put on the kettle for tea. Apparently I turned on the wrong burner. It ruined the whole huge batch. This happens to me a LOT. Hubby reassured me, but I was still really upset for awhile. Now I don't so much feel upset as discouraged. I was trying SO HARD today to do stuff around the house. Every time I do more than a bare-bones minimum though it seems I screw something big up - broken washer, ruined clothes, broken plates, whatever. It really feels like every time. I was trying to focus on present and future so I wouldn't slip into flashbacks or anything... I did slip a lot, but I caught them before they got really intense. I guess that's some success. Still though, I feel like such a domestic failure. And I'm so tired of wasting our money just because of my damn PTSD symptoms!!! I feel so... lame.

I'm teetering on this edge lately. Sometimes I feel I can get it together enough to start working a little (entrepreneurialy, at home), and other times I feel so screwed up I think I should check in to a Mental Health facility for like 6 weeks (which I understand is the standard). It feels like there's a bigger gap than before between good days and bad days , and that I flipflop between them more. This might mean I'm getting better, because every day isn't a bad day (or not all of it anyway, you get the drift), but the extreme swings are frightening and leave me unsure and unsettled.

~ Aimmy