My last blog, I must admit, was quite unbecoming of me. I guess the point I am aiming for is to completely disregard that post, if you happen to read it. I have done so much talking about the way I feel and what the current living situation of mine is like, that I have lost a great deal of my forgiveness and empathy toward the people who are using me up. I suppose in a way this is a good thing, but at the same time, it just isn't who I am. However, it is how it is. But, I do feel my last post was less thought out than I would like it to be. So please if you read it, just forget it.
A friend of mine, addicted to drugs, and her fiance, who was in a car accident recently, resulting in a traumatic brain injury, and their two year old son, have been living with me for over a month now.. My fiance is her fiance's brother. Pete, my fiance, is on the road driving truck all week long, so dealing with my "friend" and co. has been MY responsibility. She, my drug addicted friend, can be an ungrateful, unforgiving, slob, who makes very, very bad decisions. It has been extremely hard for me in so many ways. I am not someone who can handle confrontation very well. The things she does that bother me, large and small, go by, unpunished, because I am too weak to stand up and say what needs to change, what rules need to be followed, and to demand the respect that my fiance and I deserve.
I have a suffocating paranoia forming: no matter what I write about them, and the situation (on this site), or talk about with family members (either to vent or be advised about), that she somehow can hear it, or know it, and will use that against me. I am afraid that there will be unnecessary confrontation. It makes me afraid to go home when I do happen to leave it, it makes me quiet when she is around me. I don't like this paranoid feeling, and I don't like feeling like I have to walk on eggshells in my own home. Home is supposed to be a sanctuary of sorts. Mine is no longer that.
This "friend" of mine (I keep using quotation marks because I have found that I do not really like her at all anymore, though I do CARE in some way), has used me up. She has used my fiance up. And she is sucking us dry. Does she realize she does this? I have no clue. But either way, it seems to be the end of me. With her in my Life, I find I no longer have respect for who I am, and all I can think is that I am just as awful a person as she is. My family and friends think otherwise, but I think that they just don't see it.
I care for this girl, and my fiance's brother. I care MOST about their beautiful son. I can't stand being the type of person that talks like this behind her back, especially when it should be brought to her face to face. I just don't have it in me. I don't know what to do, but my fiance and I need to have our Life, our privacy and our freedom back. We need to get them out of our home, but at this time, they have no money, no income, (though, she could go to the state and get money from DSS etc.) and nowhere and no one to turn to. I feel if we were to force them out that it would be a selfish act of the worst kind. But this situation has built up so much tension and stress on me, my fiance, and the two of us as a couple. Many people have told me that we have done all we can, that we did the right thing, but there has to be a line drawn. Many people tell me that to kick them out would be the best course of action, but I truly just don't know. I don't know who to listen to, I don't know who to trust, and I certainly don't know what I can handle.
I think about it all day long. I find myself getting intensely angry, and powerfully sad. My moods have been on an extreme high, extreme low rollercoaster at one of the most rapid speeds I have ever experienced. I find my behavior, moods and decisions have become so erratic. Somehow, I get my normal feelings of "high-on-life" and without regard to what I say or do, I end up passive-aggressively or blatantly showing/telling her how I feel. This is very unlike me. I am a passive person, not passive-aggressive. I am not the type to just say how I feel without realizing that it could hurt someones feelings. For example, today I left my house. I told her, I don't know when I'll be back. I never called her to give her a heads up, I never let her know where I was. Although I have no duty to do this per se, the real reason I did it was because I was basking in my freedom, enjoying my natural high ride, and decided, "well, she takes my car, stranding me at home and says she'll be back in a 'little bit', and doesn't show up for 5-10 hours, without calling me once to let me know where she is, or when she'll be back, f*** it, I'm gonna do the same to her and see how she likes it! Maybe it'll teach her how crappy it makes me feel when she does it to me!" This is not my way at all. I have never really behaved that way in my Life. It has me all sorts of confused and lost. Who knew that something like this could make me question, not only WHO I am, but my worth.
My fiance, on the other hand has handled it all well, but it is wearing him down to a point that he doesn't even want to come home on the weekends, which is our ONLY time together. We argue a lot more lately, and the time we do have together seems distanced, instead of intimate. This is as hard on him as it is on me, though, for much different reasons.
In trying to do the right thing, I have enabled this "friend" of mine to continue her poor decision making, laziness, and dependency. And in allowing the little things she does around my home that are mere annoyances or small examples of disrespect to go on, I have earned no respect from her at all.
I want her gone. Matter of fact, I want her out of my Life. She has been my "best friend" for 9 years. I can't believe that I am saying these things or feeling this way. I NEVER saw this coming. I absolutely hate it.
I don't know if it's just me becoming a heartless person, or if it is reasonable for me to feel these things, but I just can't stand it. I can't stand how it makes me feel, I can't stand what it's doing to who I am, and I really don't want it to effect my Life, or my relationship anymore. God, I just don't know. I just really really don't know. It all seems so pointless, all this ranting and raving and going on about this to complete strangers. I guess I just have to thank the creators of this site for giving people a place to vent, and I have to thank the people that take the time to give advice and just be there for each other. You are all wonderful. I have so much respect and admiration for you all. I suppose that is why I feel so awful spewing this hateful nonsense at you all. But thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for allowing me to write this, and get it out. And thank you for reading (listening). Whether words of wisdom, advice or silence is the thing you choose, thank you for reading this. Take care. Good night. I will sleep on it, and hopefully have something more positive to say, sometime soon.
LOVE TO YOU ALL