Having a few moments of blippage. While looking in the mirror I have noticed a small part of my lip is a tad puffy, I thought it may have been my imagination and so decided to seek reassurance from my parents. My step dad said he couldn't see anything different but my Mum said it looked a little swollen but she couldn't see any significant cuts or anything. I then proceeded to ask my fiance who said he also couldn't see anything particularly wrong. Now I am full of concern for the tiny part of my upper lip which appears to be very slightly puffy. I believe this is a further issue that goes with my Dentist issues, I keep telling myself to get a grip but it's not quite working.
I'm getting annoyed with myself, many people wouldn't even notice if their lip was a bit out of sorts. For me it's a big issue, generally for reasons that are stupid. I'm worried I will have some horrific abscess in my mouth which is starting to materialize (unlikely given my recent dental check-ups and OCD teeth brushing and avoidance of anything sugary and/or acidic). I am also worried the swelling will be so bad that half my face will become puffy and alter my ability to breathe (also unlikely but it helps me to understand the worst possible scenario so I can work through it). Why am I so obsessed with avoiding illness? That right now is a serious question which I think I may consider therapy to answer. I know I'm scared of the dentist, plenty of people in the world are and I know that my anxiety emphasizes that fear. However, other illness issues like when my asthma gets bad also make me lose self control. I have been through many scary situations with my asthma, which people seem to think should make smaller situations easier for me to deal with. That isn't the case. I get reallly, really scared because asthma IS scary even if I have been dealing with it for my entire life.
In better news, I got my exam results and will be going to the University that I wanted to go to. I'm really proud of my results, I feel I worked hard and deserved them. I'm extremely excited that I'm going to University and I've been lucky enough to get good accommodation too! All of this is just... perfect to be honest. Though I am terrified (well, actually, it's becoming more just 'fairly scared') about moving to a new city about 3 hours away from my family and friends. I am worried about not being able to see my fiance as much as I've been able to, not because I think we'll crumble but just because I'll miss him and I'll already be missing my family. I've got a good support network just now so I am a bit worried about having any major episodes while I'm at University. Hopefully I won't, I'm trying to keep a positive frame of mind in order to encourage myself to enjoy this experience.
I think most of my University concerns are normal; am I smart enough? What if no-one likes me? What if I just hate the whole course? What if my roommates are horrible human beings? What if I get too homesick? What if I run out of money? And obviously; how do you work a washing machine?!
While I know that some concerns are more unique to me (and other anxiety sufferers) such as; what if I take a major panic attack and there's no-one there to support me? what if I lose track of the difference between an anxiety attack and an asthma attack? What if people notice and think I'm a total lunatic?
Anyway, I'll keep you all updated. Good luck to everyone else!
xx
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tsuki
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... There was a time when I worried about a twitch in my right lid. Obsessed about it and imagined that my anxiety would cause me permanent facial tics. Realized one day that it was all in my head. I had already developed expectations of the worse kind. Therapy helped and now I live in my day, making the best of my occasional bad luck. If I'm unlucky enough to develop a pimple, bad hair day, etc., I just bust out the Clearasil and up goes my hair into a ponytail in hopes all will be corrected by the the next day. Most times, it does :) Congratulations on your Univ. acceptance. Don't look ahead with "what ifs". It takes so much away from enjoying the new experiences that come with your accomplishment. As to missing home and loved ones, they are only 3 hours away. Today's technology allows us such conveniences as talking face to face with loved ones via venues such as Skype and others. When I visit my daughter in Nevada without hubby, I talk to him and kitty most nights. Deal with those normal "new school" issues as they arise to minimize anxiety. You've earned your right to be there and you sound like a very lovely young lady :) How can you not be liked? When you get to know your roommates better, you may feel better if you told them about your anxiety. Let them know that it is under control and work towards making it more so. Good luck to you; I'm sure you'll do well and enjoy the experience of higher education. Looking forward to your updates . . . hugs |
Thank you so much Madam Flyswatter! 
The 'ol insomnia again, huh?