I am a strong person. I put up with a lot of shit from a lot of different people. I pay for my own school on my own, i live with mental struggles such as anxiety and depression, and go through a lot on a daily basis to try and make sure everyone is happy.
But this was too much.
The words kept coming at me and although i knew they were joking, there was something about this particular night that made me want to run away and cry. Maybe it's because i am nearing the end of this university year and my final exam is stressing me out. Or maybe it's because those feelings i've talked about in a previous blog surfaced and i couldnt handle them.
Either way, it hurts. It hurts so much. And i dont remember what it's like to feel this way. To feel as if people are letting you down left right and centre, while you're struggling to stay afloat. You pushed too far tonight... way too far. And so all these tears that come out have been building and building and it's good that they're out, but it's sad that it had to come down to this.
These words were hurtful and repetitive. I hear "stupid, ugly, shut up" and i hear so much more. They were supposed to be a joke, but the joke was over days ago. And now I'm left trying to pick up the pieces of my heart, as you carry on with your mindless "jokes" as you like to call them.
It all starts with little jabs here and there about your personality. That's how it starts. And then it turns into what you believe to call the subjective truth. But in your heart, you really feel as if all that they are saying is true. It's all true and you know deep down that these words could carry so little, but they weight you down.
This ever present sadness seems to like to build its way into my consciousness. I am deciding to go to bed at this time.
Goodnight and remember the words you speak even if it's just in passing. Those words carry weight regardless of what you mean it to.