I am a strong person. I put up with a lot of shit from a lot of different people. I pay for my own school on my own, i live with mental struggles such as anxiety and depression, and go through a lot on a daily basis to try and make sure everyone is happy.
But this was too much.
The words kept coming at me and although i knew they were joking, there was something about this particular night that made me want to run away and cry. Maybe it's because i am nearing the end of this university year and my final exam is stressing me out. Or maybe it's because those feelings i've talked about in a previous blog surfaced and i couldnt handle them.
Either way, it hurts. It hurts so much. And i dont remember what it's like to feel this way. To feel as if people are letting you down left right and centre, while you're struggling to stay afloat. You pushed too far tonight... way too far. And so all these tears that come out have been building and building and it's good that they're out, but it's sad that it had to come down to this.
These words were hurtful and repetitive. I hear "stupid, ugly, shut up" and i hear so much more. They were supposed to be a joke, but the joke was over days ago. And now I'm left trying to pick up the pieces of my heart, as you carry on with your mindless "jokes" as you like to call them.
It all starts with little jabs here and there about your personality. That's how it starts. And then it turns into what you believe to call the subjective truth. But in your heart, you really feel as if all that they are saying is true. It's all true and you know deep down that these words could carry so little, but they weight you down.
This ever present sadness seems to like to build its way into my consciousness. I am deciding to go to bed at this time.
Goodnight and remember the words you speak even if it's just in passing. Those words carry weight regardless of what you mean it to.
-M2
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Loves October
said:
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... Well, I don't know the relationship you have with this person/people, but I can speak a little from recent personal experience. I have someone in my life who has considered me her "best friend" for almost 25 years. Last year, she went through a real crisis. I called her every day to "check in". She relied on those phone calls and I was glad to listen/ reassure her/give advice. However, this friendship has been a lopsided thing for some time. She does have a job that takes up a lot of her time ( I'm a stay at home mom), but she NEVER calls me. She rarely picks up the phone if I call her. My whole world blew up last year. My precious Mom, who has been my biggest cheerleader my whole life, was diagnosed with cancer. It is stage 4 and very aggressive. She went through chemo and got a clean PET scan. Now, a very few months later, it's back. She will be starting another round of chemo next month. There are other difficulties in my life, but I'd rather keep them to myself. Has she called? Hardly. There comes a time when some friendships have run their course. She always had an edge, but lately she's cold. I've given up, although she doesn't know it. I choose to remember -------- as she once was. As far as you being called "stupid, ugly", and being told to "shut up" - there's nothing funny about these "jokes". I'll compare that to another friend I've had for 30 years. She almost always answers the phone. She loves me. She encourages me. She's never called me a name. Friendship, like love, should feel good. You don't deserve such treatment and I'm sorry you've been hurt. I hope you will find people in your life (you're still so young yet) who will appreciate you and find you special. |
Ree14
said:
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... Thank you so much for your post. It was truly helpful to read and it encourages me to keep heading forward. Thanks again! |
macksmom
said:
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... It's nearing the 4 year anniversary of my best friend's death. We began our friendship when her son and my daughter were in kindergarden. I think it was a once in a lifetime friendship. I am an only child, but I think for those 10 years I had a sister. We had one fight and stopped speaking the summer before she died. Meanwhile, I went to a weekend women's' encounter, and I began reconsidering my stubborn behavior. I apologized as soon as I got home. From that point, I had 9 more precious months until her sudden death. Talk about a cheerleader! She was that to me. After having an excellent friend, I have a frame of reference. Yes, we had one falling out that lasted 2 months, but to be unhappy with a friend's behavior toward you continually is a huge waste of time plus needless pain. Lisa |
a guest
said:
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Twenties are so precious to waste... Dearest girl, I have son at home just like you. Too much thinking it over and over. I am trying to understand what's that at these years that shapes people like you two. Whatever it is, it was not given that much attenton at my times when been in my twenties. I'd lurked through "Psychology Today" last night and tripped over interesting comment from a reader as a reply to Psychologist I know. Even long comment it was, basicaly my title summarizes it. You sound a very inteligent person, but believe me, when you cross over your 45 and take a look back, you'll be amazed how wiser everyone gets while aging. I am guessing, that's why, age matters to psychologists when they do studies. I am not blaming, neither you nor my son. I only wish you both enjoying your youth. Because, it only happens: once. concernedmom |
