I'm not OK. I'm doing better in some ways, but I'm still very not OK. I'm so TIRED of hearing from medical professionals that I JUST need to push through the anxiety, make myself sleep regularly, and all the other nonsense they try to feed me. They don't understand. I don't think high-power professionals are the type of people who are capable of understanding what I go through. My doctor is currently running a practice and a half because he picked up patients when another doctor left town. This man, who can do one and a half times what any normal doctor puts themselves through just doesn't get that JUST doing what he could do isn't an option for me. He doesn't want to help me get disability. He doesn't even want to advocate for me to mental health that I need to do CBT with someone. He wouldn't listen at all when I told him I am Phone-Phobic, and he signed me up for a phone service called the Bounceback Program. He thinks I need to JUST push through my anxiety, not let myself avoid chores, and I'll be fine. My goodness, if I only could. But this man can't understand CAN'T from a psychological perspective.
The other day I spent half an hour just thinking about self-harm, just longing for a physical face to my pain so someone would listen and understand. Just thinking that if I could just focus on physical pain maybe it would feel better than this longing sorrow of looking for comfort from my anxiety. But then, when I have gone through physical pain, it was awful too. I just feel like I'm reaching in the dark trying to grab something, anything, so I know I'm not alone in the darkness.
I feel so alone and stranded and unloved. My husband and I were considering a baby for awhile, but now, after I thought we were agreed and going to do it, we're back to not. I would be a horrible parent anyway. My house isn't even clean, not remotely. I can't take care of myself, let alone someone else. And we had decided, when we got together, that we wouldn't have kids. We're not still debating because I think he's right. I saw a ray of hope, thinking I could remake my family by having a child. But it won't happen. Even when I offer to give my parents the one thing they ever treated me like I would certainly be good for and do what they wanted they still aren't willing to be a real part of my life, to help me heal, and to help me in general. I don't feel loved by them. I tried to tell my aunt that I don't feel loved by my father and she just went on to say that I am loved and he just doesn't know how to show it. There it is again, the not hearing me. No child deserves to be brought into this mess I call my life.
I am so afraid of dieing young, but I feel I can't really live either. And I'm starting to wonder if I deserve to. I can barely ever use my talents. I'm not contributing to the good things in the world. I just sit here, day after day, in fear and loathing and pain and suffering and depression and alonedom, doing next to nothing productive and spending the rest of my time trying not to hate myself for that and turning to forms of escapism. Who is right? Those who are treating me as a waste of air? Or the me who thinks if only I wasn't treated that way, maybe it would stop being true?
~ Aimmy
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sevastra
said:
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... I'm sorry to hear you are feeling alone. I would suggest trying to see a different doctor - I know that might be hard, but if you can, it might be worth it. My doctor sent me straight to a psychologist and as hard as it was for me to go there, it's really starting to help. If you want some tips on how to handle your anxiety in the meantime, please feel free to message me. If you can find a psychologist or psychiatrist on your own you could probably get in without a referral. I wish I could offer more help, I know how hard it is to "just do things" or try to push through. Hang in there. |
ceejay
said:
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... I know it is hard to imagine that what the doctor says has any validity or even holds any hope. But it does. We CAN push through, we CAN survive, we CAN overcome this! All of us, including you! I agree with sevastra - see if you can find another doctor. If not, then insist that he set you up with a mental health professional to help you accomplish what he is saying you need to do. Also, see if you can find help in the alternative medical field - acupuncture, massage, aromatherapy, etc. They can be an amazing place of support. Take small steps and allow yourself to FEEL the accomplishment. Don't set goals that are too big to achieve. Slow and steady. You can do it!! |
inspired
said:
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... I know it is very hard for you to find a different doctor so I am wondering if you have considered going back to the Transition House again for a short time. You sound like you are at the end of your rope and hanging on by the finger nails - I've been there and I know you need to find some help soon. It sounded like last time you went, you felt better for a while. Please take care of yourself first..........everything and everyone else has to come second when you are in crisis. I know your parents are a huge issue for you and you know that no matter how hard you try or what you do, you can't control them or the things they do and have done to hurt you. They have their own illnesses (which they deny). I know you don't want them completely out of your life, but perhaps you can find a way to make contact very limited so you don't have to re-live the pain constantly. Even though my parents have both been gone for more than 15 years, it has taken me months and months to get to the point of accepting how much they hurt me and moving past the anger I wanted to express as a child. I had to work through that anger and talk about it over & over & over before I finally got to the point that I could let go of part of my hurt child and start moving on to living as the adult I am. As I work on growing up emotionally, I am feeling less anxiety. Maybe the staff at the Transition House could give you some guidance you aren't getting from your doctor. Please don't give up on yourself. The sweet, intelligent, talented Aimmy I know is still there and we are all here to reach out to you and do anything we can to help you know the real Aimmy is still alive and kicking. Big Hugs, Norell |
Aimmy
said:
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... Thanks guys. I'm doing better again. I'm still really frustrated with my doctor. I've tried switching and the only doctor that would take me was AWFUL, so a no-go. I just have to keep trying to get the help I need. I'm thinking it might be time to bring hubby along with me to corroborate what I'm saying and help me be firm in expressing my needs. Other than that...I don't know. I think you might be right about the Transition House Norell. I'm mostly having a hard time because I'm anxious about seeing that one worker who treated me badly. It's silly, I know, but it's hard. I think if I get back to the place I was in the other day again, maybe I'll go. I was told that I can stop in without staying overnight too, so that's an option. Maybe just going in to talk for an hour or so would help. My counselor is away right now, so the pressure has little release. I'm glad for this place at least. Thanks again, ~ Aimmy |
