Sorry to unload on here, but my Mum is the only other person I would talk to really and I don't want to bother her or for her to think I'm being ungrateful and unappreciative about life.
I'm feeling very tired at the moment. Tired of battling against these constant negative thoughts. More than I ever I feel like shutting myself off from the world and living in my own safe bubble.
I'm very conflicted and confused about my relationship at the moment. I'm so, so on the verge of opening up to him and talking about my worries. Something keeps stopping me though. And another part of me just wants to run away and I'm trying to understand why I feel like that. Is it anything to do with him, or is just me being me? I think deep down a part of me wants to shut myself off from everybody to protect myself. So that if anything ever goes wrong, no-one else has to witness it and I won't be embarrassed or hurt. I tire myself with my worrying so why would I want to put other people through that needlessly, and why would they want to put up with it?
I'm scared. And that stops me doing things. I'm not sure whether I'll ever be able to do some things. And is it really fair to hold someone else back? Or expect them to go and do it without me when they could be sharing it with the person they love?
Talking about it with people makes it real too. I think that's one reason why I keep it quiet. To an extent I can pretend it's not real.
If I do tell him and I'm completely honest about how much it holds me back and how much it might continue to hold me back, then it's out of my hands. I guess it's up to him then to decide what he wants to do.
I kind of feel bad that he fell for this sixteen year old all those years ago. He doesn't know what he let himself in for.