Sorry to unload on here, but my Mum is the only other person I would talk to really and I don't want to bother her or for her to think I'm being ungrateful and unappreciative about life.
I'm feeling very tired at the moment. Tired of battling against these constant negative thoughts. More than I ever I feel like shutting myself off from the world and living in my own safe bubble.
I'm very conflicted and confused about my relationship at the moment. I'm so, so on the verge of opening up to him and talking about my worries. Something keeps stopping me though. And another part of me just wants to run away and I'm trying to understand why I feel like that. Is it anything to do with him, or is just me being me? I think deep down a part of me wants to shut myself off from everybody to protect myself. So that if anything ever goes wrong, no-one else has to witness it and I won't be embarrassed or hurt. I tire myself with my worrying so why would I want to put other people through that needlessly, and why would they want to put up with it?
I'm scared. And that stops me doing things. I'm not sure whether I'll ever be able to do some things. And is it really fair to hold someone else back? Or expect them to go and do it without me when they could be sharing it with the person they love?
Talking about it with people makes it real too. I think that's one reason why I keep it quiet. To an extent I can pretend it's not real.
If I do tell him and I'm completely honest about how much it holds me back and how much it might continue to hold me back, then it's out of my hands. I guess it's up to him then to decide what he wants to do.
I kind of feel bad that he fell for this sixteen year old all those years ago. He doesn't know what he let himself in for.
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a guest
said:
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I say: open up... having one in my own house who thinks that keeping all that to himself is safer for him, but oposite I am seeing happening, I say: open up. You are doubtful if he were to put up with it, and you will not know unless you tell him. Keep in mind that no two pair of eyes see the same thing the same way: so he might decide to stick around and give a love new chance. That would prove his love was sincere. And, if oposite occurs, at least you had not kept any secret. To me, cheating on one another is as the same as keeping secrets which means relationship. If he vanishes after your truth laid out, than you know how to handle next boyfriend. Policy: don't ask don't tell has killing effects on love relationship. You might want to start asking him if he has anything he ever kept as secret against you. Don't get mad at him if he did, because, remember: you did, too. concernedmom |
inspired
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... Please don't run away without giving him a chance to listen to you and see how he reacts to your anxiety and panic attacks. You have been together long enough that I am sure he has some idea that something is going on. We all think we hide our problems perfectly, but it is impossible to do. I am sure that you, like me, put on the the famous "mask" when you have to. I know though that those who know me very well can still tell when things have completely overwhelmed me. I don't know that I would tell him everything all at once. This sounds like another baby steps kind of conversation. As I mentioned above, you might be surprised to find that he already knows part of the story already. Be prepared for any reaction - it will probably be a shock for him at first. He may need a while to process what you tell him. That doesn't mean he will want to leave you or the relationship. Men are so different from women. Women want to talk - men seem to need to retreat to their "caves" and think for a while. Then they come out ready to talk some more. Men also seem to try to solve problems and will need some time to understand that they can't fix this. You will have to let him know that you have been and are doing what you need to do to deal with it. This sounds like a good relationship you want to continue and honesty is the only way a good relationship can be healthy. All My Best, Norell |
distilledmoon
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it is who you are the best advice I can give, although hard to swallow, is that you need to be you. the longer you hide and keep your worries away the worse you feel, and the more distant and unrealistic your relationship becomes. It is up to your partner to decide if dealing with your anxieties is too much, you cannot make that choice for him. You have to give your partner the choice to handle it or not. and to be honest, if your partner can't handle it, don't hate them or blame them. They just don't understand, or don't care to. Sometimes in the end we have to go it alone until we find someone that will take us on regardless of how 'crazy' we can be. and that in the end is worth the wait, because by then we know that it is a real, honest, and loving relationship. You are worthy of that and so much more. :) |
MaryJane49
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... Whether or not he accepts what has happened to you you have to be able to find that place deep inside that says you can continue on regardless. Everyone gets tired around someone who is ill. So work at making yourself stronger. |
The 'ol insomnia again, huh?