I am in a constant argument with myself as to whether or not i am ok. It is such a loaded question.
The answer, as i know better than anyone else, is no. Why:
1) Advantage
- people keep taking advantage of me. They take advantage of the fact that i have a vehicle, they take advantage of my time, they take advantage of my listening ears, with no intention of reciprocation. It hurts when people only want to spend time with you because they know they will profit in some way or another.
2) Work
- i work anywhere between 60 and 70 hours a week. There's is a constant state of exhaustion, but i cant stop working because i pay for university on my own. I literally NEED the money
3)School
- getting kicked out of the one thing you love makes you seriously reconsider what you're doing with your life. I am good with people, and good with reasoning. It's the book smarts i do not have. I can apply myself in an essay or paper, but a multiple choice exam will push me to my limits and i do not get results. I basically have to repeat the previous year, because of my own incompetence.
4) Depression
- it's full blown and borderline painful. There are some moments when i am completely shadowed and the pain hits me for days at a time. There are other moments where it's just a feeling of nothingness. There is a sense of isolation and fear of what's next. You start asking yourself why you're here and why anyone would ever want to be apart of your life. You arent worth it. You hear yourself trying to counter argue these points, but cant find the energy to fight against it. So you give in.
There often comes a time where you need to put your foot down and shake yourself a little. Why is this happening to you? Why do you feel like the more people talk to you, the less you want to listen? Why does it feel like every single person is letting you down, but of all these people YOU and only you, are the biggest let down.
It's all for the best, right? Going through these stages has a way of making you stronger. it's a cycle.
5) Friends
- i am coming to a point in my life where i am asking which of the people in my life are truly my friends. how do you objectively define a friend? You can't. It's entirely subjective but should share a few common features. But that's a discussion for another day.
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Continuing on...
I thought that this summer would have different things in store. A little happiness, a little love, and a little bit of an enjoyment for life. It has brought with it so much sadness, heartbreak, and all these empty promises that make you want to spend the rest of your life buried in a coffin underneath the ear where people can walk all over you. Because that's what your used to, so what difference does it make it you're up here as opposed to down there.
I don't know how else to say how i'm feeling. I'm upset, im sad, i'm feeling like maybe i dont deserve a tomorrow. I didn't deserve yesterday or today, but here I am, trying to have a mindless conversation with myself.
I have been hurt so many times this summer and i want it to stop. It needs to stop. I cannot take anything else because right now, rock bottom is suffocating me.
I don't sleep either. I lie awake wondering how these days are going to go by without me feeling like a zombie. And when i do sleep, it's all nightmares. Nightmares about people i love being killed or tortured, or something important being ripped away from my life. I don't know how much longer i want to continue this.
Stay strong everyone. There are people rooting for you in every which direction.
M2
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a guest
said:
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great self talk brought countless points to me to appreciate every of my days and its moments more and more, up to the 10 to the power of x. Life is good: LG, and there is way more drakness down there than up here. I hope you feeling better. Being taken advantage of me is like my normal life. But, that makes me feel better about myself, makes me feel I am bigger, because I can take it. Others around me, love taking, I love giving. The beauty is in knowing that you are aware of it, while all they think: you don't see it. Isn't that tricky, but toward others. They think: we are blind, weakminded and such and such. While they don't know that we read their actions just right, and one day, boy, others got suprissed and ashamed: by considering us like kids. But, actually: we grew up before even our childhood ended. |
NoJackLikeKerouac
said:
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... I don't think that your self-talk is mindless at all. Matter of fact I think you have more in mind now than many people do. From what you wrote I can tell you are going through a very rough time, and though it is painful, your mind is still at work. Being taken advantage of is a horrible evil that I have been facing myself lately. I think the worst part of it for me is that I let it happen over and over again. Many people tell me I am so "selfless", so "patient and forgiving"; but I don't feel as such. I feel weak for not standing up for myself, I feel broken down from all the use and abuse I have let myself go through. There is an end to it. The fact that you are pondering who your real friends are is a very normal, healthy thing. I know it can be troubling, and even those who take advantage of you, whom you may be considering cutting out of your life, may be missed, but if you can't stand up and demand respect for yourself, then ridding your Life of the people who do not appreciate you is the next best thing. Matter of fact, I have stood up to those who have taken advantage of me; I had some results, for a short time, and then it turned right back into the take-take-take that it used to be. Sometimes the only choice is to evaluate those in your Life, and walk away from those that don't deserve your kindness. I know this is easier said than done, but it is a good step to make. You are very right, defining friends is completely subjective, but because it is so, there is no other way to define a friend. If someone you know is doing more hurting than caring for you, then subjectively they are not a good friend, nor a good influence in your Life. Each person should be defined individually. Your relationship with each one of them should also be defined subjectively. I'm sorry to hear about school. I hope you can make your way back in. I don't know if this will help, but when I was in school I didn't test well either, although I was rather good at essays and such. I used to study all day for a few minutes at a time (about 10-15 mins), and then took a break to get some things done, or just to relax, and then went back a half an hour or an hour later. By doing this I felt less pressed to cram my head with all the things I needed to know, and still took time for tasks other than studying. Surprisingly my test scores went up. I remember I took a state test in American History (history is my absolute worst class), and I came out with a 97. I was so shocked, after I handed the test in I walked away thinking I had failed, but rather, I did exceedingly well. I don't think that my method is fool proof, nor do I think it will necessarily work for everyone, but it did help me, and my guess is because I felt more relaxed about studying, instead of late night cram sessions, trying to force myself to remember things. I am sorry to hear that you are at war with yourself, but I do find that when I am, it is the most effective time for changing Life for the better. I hope you get through this hard time. You said it yourself "Stay strong everyone. There are people rooting for you in every which direction." This is very true, and applies to you as well. I hope you know that. Take care. -Joss |
