I am in a constant argument with myself as to whether or not i am ok. It is such a loaded question.
The answer, as i know better than anyone else, is no. Why:
- people keep taking advantage of me. They take advantage of the fact that i have a vehicle, they take advantage of my time, they take advantage of my listening ears, with no intention of reciprocation. It hurts when people only want to spend time with you because they know they will profit in some way or another.
- i work anywhere between 60 and 70 hours a week. There's is a constant state of exhaustion, but i cant stop working because i pay for university on my own. I literally NEED the money
- getting kicked out of the one thing you love makes you seriously reconsider what you're doing with your life. I am good with people, and good with reasoning. It's the book smarts i do not have. I can apply myself in an essay or paper, but a multiple choice exam will push me to my limits and i do not get results. I basically have to repeat the previous year, because of my own incompetence.
- it's full blown and borderline painful. There are some moments when i am completely shadowed and the pain hits me for days at a time. There are other moments where it's just a feeling of nothingness. There is a sense of isolation and fear of what's next. You start asking yourself why you're here and why anyone would ever want to be apart of your life. You arent worth it. You hear yourself trying to counter argue these points, but cant find the energy to fight against it. So you give in.
There often comes a time where you need to put your foot down and shake yourself a little. Why is this happening to you? Why do you feel like the more people talk to you, the less you want to listen? Why does it feel like every single person is letting you down, but of all these people YOU and only you, are the biggest let down.
It's all for the best, right? Going through these stages has a way of making you stronger. it's a cycle.
- i am coming to a point in my life where i am asking which of the people in my life are truly my friends. how do you objectively define a friend? You can't. It's entirely subjective but should share a few common features. But that's a discussion for another day.
I thought that this summer would have different things in store. A little happiness, a little love, and a little bit of an enjoyment for life. It has brought with it so much sadness, heartbreak, and all these empty promises that make you want to spend the rest of your life buried in a coffin underneath the ear where people can walk all over you. Because that's what your used to, so what difference does it make it you're up here as opposed to down there.
I don't know how else to say how i'm feeling. I'm upset, im sad, i'm feeling like maybe i dont deserve a tomorrow. I didn't deserve yesterday or today, but here I am, trying to have a mindless conversation with myself.
I have been hurt so many times this summer and i want it to stop. It needs to stop. I cannot take anything else because right now, rock bottom is suffocating me.
I don't sleep either. I lie awake wondering how these days are going to go by without me feeling like a zombie. And when i do sleep, it's all nightmares. Nightmares about people i love being killed or tortured, or something important being ripped away from my life. I don't know how much longer i want to continue this.
Stay strong everyone. There are people rooting for you in every which direction.