I am scared

Posted by: Mayan in Untagged  on  PDF

Mayan

So a couple days ago I increased my dose of Zoloft by 25mg.  It's given me a little bit of a "rush" during the day but I was feeling ok for the past couple days.  Tonight, however, my heart has been palpitating and my throat is tight and I am really scared.  I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight. 

I had a bath and got scared that I would pass out so I had to get out quickly and now I'm just trying to stay awake.  I get scared to go to sleep at night.  That's the absolute worst, because I know I need to sleep or I will feel awful  in the morning.  But I'm scared to sleep so I have to try and distract myself until I get so tired that I get caught off guard and fall asleep.  Usually it means leaving the tv on and sleeping on the couch. 

My ex-husband slept on the couch last night and I was fine.  I slept ok in my own bed because I knew he was there if I needed him.  I felt safe.  So I don't know if I should just ask him to stay with me for awhile or what I should do.  When he's here I can sleep.  My daughter almost always sleeps in my bed because she's anxious, I'm anxious.  I know I should  be encouraging her to be independent and sleep in her own bed (she's 8) but it's actually kind of comforting not to have to be in the room alone. 

I've been trying to convince myself to take a Klonopin but I'm too scared to do even that.  I think I will have  bad reaction or something will happen...even though I've taken them so many times before and have felt better. 

I hate what this has done to me and I hate that I can't make it stop.  Even when I try everything that should help....medication, relaxation, meditation, reading everything I possibly can about anxiety/panic, forcing myself to go out with people and go outside in general,exercising....it just doesn't stop.  I'm so afraid that this will be my life.  That this is all I have to look forward to.  That day after day and week after week it will just be this.  One day feeling ok, a couple days being super anxious, panic, then start over. 

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inspired said:

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I am sorry you are feeling so anxious, especially at night. I have been having major problems sleeping too. I take xanax and ambien and still can't sleep until 4-5am. I also end up on the couch with the TV on, just for some type of noise. I cannot sleep when it is totally quiet. I have bad dreams and wake up with my heart pounding every couple hours.

I know you are having major problems taking the klonopin even though you know it works for you. I think it is so important though for you to look at your daughter, and know how much it may affect her later in life, if you become dependent on her. I only say this because I became my Mom's "caretaker" at an early age and I now suffer from tremendous anxiety & panic. The thought of my girls feeling that they are responsible for making me get through the day and/or night is the only thing that made me take medication and seek all the help I can get from therapy. I don't want to sound preachy or mean because I know what you are going through. I am there with you - just hope maybe you will find a way to get the medications down for your daughter's future. Best Regards, Norell
 
May 30, 2010
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Aimmy said:

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I really have to agree with Norell on this one. Ending up caretaking your parents can really mess you up. Please fight the urge to have her comfort you too often. I think it'd be better to turn to your ex for help than to a child. As a self-sufficient adult, your ex could say no if he wanted/needed to. Do you have anyone else you could have stay with you?
I totally understand what you're feeling with the despair and fear about 'is this all I'll ever have in life?'. I've so been there a lot lately. I honestly feel for myself that I need drugs at least for a while, to take the edge off enough that I am able to do all the other things I need to to get this illness under control. The same is probably true for you.
I also am often afraid of sleep. You didn't mention why for yourself, but for me it's fear of the nightmares and night-terrors. I also get afraid of the dark because I have hypnogogic hallucinations, so I sometimes think I'm still awake and see things or people in my room that shouldn't be there and I freak right out. I seem to have that less if the light is on... but talk about feeling silly, needing a light on.
I honestly believe we can get through the thick of this, and this isn't all we can expect out of life. Try to keep hope alive.
~ Aimmy
 
May 30, 2010 | url
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ripdbd6604 said:

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actualy i would talk to a therapist about this from what i read you seem to be showing signs of something thats common in people with panic anxiety disorder its a phobia called insomna phobia its a phobia were you start to fear going to bed or are afraid of being unaware of your surroundings the other clear sign of it is if your panic attacks become more active during the night
 
May 30, 2010
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Mayan said:

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That's exactly what it is...I'm afraid to go to sleep because I will have no control of anything anymore (not that I do much when I'm awake). But I always think what if i go to sleep and don't wake up. I have a huge fear of dying, which is odd because I spent so many years being depressed and only wishing I could die.
My daughter started sleeping with me when she was anxious. She was so anxious that she had to be taken out of school for a year, then go to a rehabilitation hospital to learn coping skills and get into a special school. I try to make her sleep in her own bed but she gets so scared and anxious and cries and says just one more night. Every night she is always asking if I'm going to be there in the morning (which makes me anxious!) and she has to say good night about 20 times. I guess we both have a sleeping phobia of some sorts. This is all very recent for me, I was never afraid to go to sleep until recently and only allowed her to sleep in my bed because I felt it would be good for her to feel secure and be able to get to sleep. I started to be afraid to go to sleep when I started waking up with nocturnal panic attacks quite often. Before I was medicated I would be awake all night because I was too scared to go to sleep and then have to work the next day with no sleep. Now....I am scared to go to sleep. But you are all absolutely right it is not right to depend on each other so much. We are a co-dependent mess (my ex-husband included).
For her sake I guess I should make her sleep in her own bed. Might take some time getting used to but she really has to learn to sleep in her own bed and I need to be able to sleep on my own as well.
I'm even scared to take the Klonopin at night because it will make me fall asleep faster and lose control of my surroundings faster.
 
May 30, 2010
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inspired said:

4757
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I wish I could come with a reason why I don't sleep - I don't really fear not waking up. Perhaps it is the total lack of control when I am asleep - like a watchdog who paces the house house guarding the area all night.

I am sorry to hear about what your daughter went through. I understand completely why you let her sleep with you, because I did the same thing for years!!! I couldn't bring myself to force her to sleep alone and know she was frightened. We developed a completely codependent relationship. She did eventually want to sleep in her own room when she got older, but then high school and her panic attacks & depression arrived. She was on one couch & I was on the other - me thinking if I could only make her feel safe, she would get better. It has taken me years to realize, all I did was make her feel like she couldn't make it through life without me. I took her power away by helping her too much.
She did beat her anxiety & got better, found the love of her life, married and moved 12 hours away from home. Then I had my breakdown..........boy, had I created a vicious circle for my daughter and myself. I guess it is possible to "love someone to death". I didn't know it as I was doing it & I don't know how I would change it if I had it to do over again. Maybe CBT therapy with you and your daughter together - there has to be an answer out there. I wish I had found it before I created the monster I did.

I wish you all my best - hoping you will find the answers I didn't have.
 
May 30, 2010
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Phoenix said:

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Hi I just wanted to reach out to you because all the terror you are feeling is just what I went through a few years ago. Im new to this site but have dealt with panic attacks almost all of my life (im 27). Im at the point now where I have a normal semblance of a life and rarely have a panic attack, but a few years ago I was at a place where I could barely go an hour without being plagued by anxiety. It was a miracle just to make it through the day (or night). I couldnt be alone or I was sure I would stop breathing and die. I was so anxious that I couldnt even eat and ended up at 100 lbs(im 5'7) and my family almost had me hospitalized. I didnt take any medication at the time because I was honestly to scared to take any drugs and give up even more control of myself, and im still not on meds (though i support anyone who takes them). I just want to let you know that there is hope.I went through hell and I remember one particular day where i felt like I had actually died. I knew that i was dead that there was just dreadful nothingness.All I wanted in that moment was for there to be God- Good- Hope, even if there wasnt me.Little by little, a light shone through and I was restored. It took a while but the fact is it happened. And it can happen to you. I thought my life was over. But it was just beginning. I was being born to my true self.Thats just my story. I hope it offers you some sense of comfort. Thank you for your courage to open up on this site. -Phoenix
 
May 30, 2010
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Mayan said:

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I understand what you are saying....taking her power away by helping her too much. I often think this about me and my daughter...that I am just enabling her to be even more dependent on me. Do you think if you could go back in time you would have made her sleep in her own bed? My daughter was only about 5 when she started being very anxious so she was still quite young and dependent on me for everything. She's going to be 9 this year and she definitely should be sleeping in her own room. MMaybe I should just make her to go to her own bed? It's just very difficult for me to do that because I know now how horrible it is to be so anxious and panicky. If she is feeling anything like I do then I know her pain and I know I take comfort in having someone in the room with me, so I'm sure she does too.
It's good to hear that your daughter is doing so well now. I worry when going to sleep that if something happened to me what would happen to my daughter. For a long time it has just been my daughter and I so we are close.
She has a psychiatrist and I have one now as well and I can't get in to do CBT until Sept. Well I could go to a private psychiatrist and get in quicker but the one at the hospital is free and the next sessions start in Sept. Maybe it would be good for my daughter and I to go together.
 
May 30, 2010
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Mayan said:

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Phoenix: Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's nice to hear a positive story and know that it is possible to recover. I do have good days..sometimes I can go a couple at a time and I think to myself there is hope..then the dread and darkness comes and the cycle starts all over again. Before I was medicated it was like being in a constant state of terror, there was no respite. Thanks for giving me hope.
 
May 31, 2010
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Cloverdaze said:

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I'm scared to go to sleep too. Usually palpitations get worse when I lay down at night. And if I'm not completely exhausted I will lay there for hours just thinking, thinking, thinking. I hate being alone too. My boyfriend works until 2am, so after my son goes to bed around 9 or 10, I have plenty of time to just sit there alone and wig out. I would take the Klonopin. If it made you feel better before, it will work now. Then maybe you can get some sleep. Good luck.
 
May 31, 2010
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Mayan said:

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I know I can sleep ok at night because if my ex-husband is here or I am at a friend's I sleep ok. I can lay in bed and read until I get tired enough and just fall asleep. If I'm alone then I already have it in my head that I will get no sleep....and I don't.
I sit and think as well and over analyze every little thing that is happening in my body. I feel hot...I'm going to panic. I feel nauseous...I'm going to panic. My heart is beating too fast...I'm going to panic. Etc., etc. Tonight I felt so tired and nauseous as soon as I got home from work...and automatically my mind went to I must have some illness that they haven't found and I will die before they catch it.
 
June 01, 2010
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