Yesterday I had a doctor appointment. I've never been there before so that gives me anxiety. My husband and son went with me (I don't go anywhere alone or drive). Before we left I felt the panic coming on. During the car ride there I felt it even stronger. The xanax I took before I left wasn't helping. I was thinking of taking another one but I wanted to try to control it myself before having to take more. When we got there I realized it was on the 3rd floor. That gave me even more anxiety because I need an easy way outside if I'm somewhere and have an attack. So I knew I would be stuck up on the 3rd floor with this anxiety and if I had a full blown attack I wouldn't be able to get outside quick. I filled out forms for them and the waiting room was small and very full of people. I was shaking so bad the writing on the papers looked like chicken scratch.
As I sat there trying not to be obvious to other people that I'm freaking out (it was obvious) I glanced up at the other people every so often from my phone...they were playing on their phones, reading magazines, sitting patiently and calm. The thoughts of why couldn't I be like that. Why does this have to happen to me, how I envy them being able to be so calm and not have a million panicking thoughts go through their head. I looked down again and tears started falling, I tried so hard to stop from crying. It wasn't the sobbing crying, just the tears that you can't help from coming. I tried focusing on my phone and hoping no one could notice. It was the really low feeling of thinking what my life has become. How much I wish I could enjoy life and how much I want to. I want to be able to go take my son for a walk by myself, but I won't because I'm worried that I'll get a panic attack. I want to go into a store and be able to walk around and browse through things, not having to rush inside grabbing onto the person I'm with going as fast I as I can to get out of there. I want to be able to go see a movie. Go to a restaurant with my husband and not have to do take out. For once, enjoy life. I want that so bad. I've tried to hard, SO hard. I've done therapy, CBT, exposures, inpatient in hospitals, outpatient, medication, listening to CDs to reduce stress and panic, read so many books...applied everything to my life, I'm still the same. I'm worse actually. The rest of my day was spent in a daze of depression and anxiety.
This isn't living, it's surviving day to day, hour by hour....minute to minute. And you just wonder when will this finally break you.
I look at my son and I have too much to live for to let this break my spirit. But I feel like I can't hold on to that ounce of strength I have left.