Panic Survivor Members Blog

I really just need to write right now. I'm so shaken. I spent my night trying to convince Teachers and old Bosses that they should cut me some slack for the future because my skipping out and eventual quitting was all because of panic. Of course, this was all in dreams, or to be more accurate, nightmares. I've thought to myself that if I ever go back to school I want to taken my service dog and be full disclosure about my disorder with school counselors and teachers. I've also thought about going back to my last boss, explaining that I had a breakdown when I left abruptly, and asking for a second chance or at least a recommendation based on the good work I did rather than my disorder, which I'm desperately trying to get under control. I doubt she'd care, but sometimes I think everyone deserves the chance to be a good persun. 

Anyway, I'm very shakey right now. I ate a lot of icecream in the night between nightmares, just trying to soothe myself a little. There were also the garden variety of nightmares about my parents' abusing me and eachother sprinkled in.

Also, I know that something my husband said the other day really hurt my self-confidence. I'm going to have to talk with him about it, but because he was telling the truth, I don't know how to undo the hurt. I want to start doing my Readings again soon, and he said he thinks I'll start and then only do it for two weeks and stop again, because that's what's happened the last few times I tried to pick it back up. I WAS feeling really good about it. That I could probably get in the groove and do it for like a year before I'd need a short break, but he just dashed my belief in myself so hard. And now I'm shakey about that too. I wanted to put an ad in the paper next week, but now that seems impossible. I have a few Readings booked, and now I'm afraid of them coming up. I so needed positive support! Now I just can't stop thinking about the fact that just a few weeks ago I wanted to check myself in to a psych facility. I feel like such a looser now. Like I'll never get it together enough to do what I love again.

And yeah, I'm feeling a lot of pain at the fact that my father has said he won't choose me over the rest of the family and move out here. I really think he's changed, but apparently not enough.

Today is definitely a bad day *starts to cry a little*

~ Aimmy