Panic Survivor Members Blog

I plan to tell my boyfriend soon about my issues. I've kept it quiet for five years and it's got to the point where I don't feel like we can progress until he knows. In some ways it's only fair, it does hold me back in life A LOT and ultimately I feel like it will hold him back too if we did stay together.

    I've been feeling very up and down lately about the relationship which has been wearing me down. I can't work out whether my feelings are a result of fear. Are the fleeting thoughts about wanting to end it purely a result of fear and wanting protection by just removing myself from the situation?

    I very nearly opened up the other night but then he said something that's worried me a bit. I was telling him about my brother's ex girlfriend (she has quite a few mental health issues) and my boyfriend said something along the lines of "he's better off without someone like that." So I replied that "everybody has quirks and issues, everyone has a breaking point, etc. I do." He said, "No you don't. You don't have issues, do you?" I didn't really give him a straight answer but I was thinking to myself 'if only you knew.'

   The thing is, I do understand where he's coming from. I think the problem mainly lies with people who refuse to help themselves though. All of us here might be fighting battles but we are striving to get better and that's worth a hell of a lot. And like I said, nobody is perfect. 

   So I resolve not to come on here again until I've told him. It might not eradicate the feelings I've been having lately about it all but it might help to move things along in one direction or the other.