Panic Survivor Members Blog

Hello all. It's been a long time since I blogged here. Right now though I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with my emotions and I really want to 'talk it out'. I'm down to seeing my Counselor once every two weeks, and this week she's sick, so I don't know when I'll see her next, and I really needed to see her on my appointment day and didn't get the chance, so things are built up strenuously inside me right now.

Right now I'm feeling very sad. The feeling is so overwhelming that I feel like I can't handle it, and it makes me think suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, they don't go pat thinking for me. I'm upset that I can still have these thoughts when it goes against everything I believe in. But the groundwork for them was laid in my deepest depression and now my mind goes there sometimes when things get bad. It's just that I want the feeling to go away, at nearly any cost. I also think about doing drugs as an alternative. Also something I don't believe in or want to do. On that account too so far I've been able to keep it to just thoughts.

My biggest problem I think is I don't know what to DO with my feelings. 'Negative' ones anyway. I feel there is no way to satisfy them so I can release them. I'm hopping turning to blogging might help some again.  

I'm getting a tension headache right now from my stress. I've made some progress on dealing with my headache problems... mostly I've discovered that I have different kinds for different reasons. When I sit in a state of high anxiety (which I have right now along with the deep sadness) for more than an hour or two I start to get a tension headache. I try to relax my muscles, I deep breathe, but often it doesn't help much.

Right now I'm very sad because my husband has been doing poorly. Actually, he's doing pretty well by realistic standards, but sometimes my standards stop being realistic. Not for intellectual reasons, but because of my emotions. Right now I just feel like I just want him to be able to be up, and do things with me, just a few chores, some shopping, a walk or some indoor exercise... and he can't. We think it's time to readjust his medications, and we'll have to make an appointment for that. But that's part of the problem for me right now! We don't ever seem to get the day going until everything is closed. And it's SO frustrating to hear him finally give in and agree with me on the subject only once we've wasted another day. I'm not functioning at a 'normal' level either, but I feel I -could- do more, but I -can't- do more alone. DAMN CO-DEPENDENCE!

I'm sad that I feel the summer is slipping away while he lies in bed. I'm sad that I sometimes feel our whole lives are doing the same.

I'm sad that instead of being interesting for ME, most people when I meet them, or go to an appointment like massage or dentistry and they want to talk, we end up talking about my Service Dog and PTSD and Night Terrors because it's new and interesting to them and they want to learn. I mean, on one hand it's nice that people want to learn about these things so they can better accommodate and sometimes even support them, but I'm sad because I often feel I can't be seen anymore behind this disorder.

 It feels like blogging is helping a little. Some of the perceived weight has come off my chest. My head feels like it's going to explode though... like it's under pressure like on an airplane and I can't just pop my ears to get rid of it (already tried).

I'm not meeting basic obligations lately. I'm late on so many forms and phone calls and such. And that just creates HUGE stress for me. I'm always afraid of people in authority somehow penalizing me for my lateness. I mean some things if not dealt with in a timely manner, you DO have to pay a price. I understand that but it's so HARD when your disorder is why you can't. There is little leniencey for such cases as ours.

Now I'm starting to feel exhausted just from carrying these feelings around all day. The only outlet I know is to eat. I want a Blizzard. I already ate a banana split today. Eating is the only thing that gives me a decent sized reduction in my symptoms (such as tension) and feels like a kind of outlet for feelings.

Ok, I'm going to sign off now, mostly because we now have only 1 hour to get to the late-night stores before they close. Here's hoping *crosses fingers*

By the way Norell, I'm sorry I missed your posts for awhile there. I don't know how I did. I also meant to read your last blog (and some other folks blogs) while I was here but ran out of time. Hopefully later or tomorrow.  

Thanks for listening folks,

~ Aimmy