I am going through a difficult season right now-- "caretakers' burnout"--and I have been seeking God desperately. Thankfully, God's Word is still true--You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jer. 29, I think)
These past few weeks I've been crying out to God. At first my cry was just for Him to show up and fix everything because nothing in my life was as it should be. Then my cry changed and I prayed for Him to show up and fix me. I have been praying and listening. I have been reading and studying God's Word, and I have begun to see that I need professional help so I can deal with things that happened in my childhood which are rising to the surface because of the stress I've been under taking care of my husband and parents. My distorted thinking about what I should be able to handle begins back there. I started seeing a psychologist last week and I am hopeful that with her counseling and my feeding on God's Word and listening to His Spirit in me, I will reclaim order from the chaos that is trying to define my life right now.
The hardest part is my not sleeping at night, so I don't always make it to church. I've missed more Sundays than I've attended these past two months. The legalist in me had a fit recently. What will my church friends think? My testimony will be ruined. But God is helping me get over trying to appear to be perfect. As I stated in a recent post, only Jesus is perfect.
I also debated whether to share all of this with you, but I decided I needed to be authentic with you all, too. This is me. This is where I am at right now.
As I get the help I need from the psychologist, as I lean on God's Word and His Spirit living in me, as I make adjustments in my thinking and learn to relate authentically to others and to walk in grace and truth, as I seek God and allow Him time to heal and bind up my wounded heart, I am going to cling to the promise of God in Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (NIV) He has never let me down yet. To God be the glory!