It's 12 midnight and I am trying to get through the lousy panic attack I'm having. Just went and took a Xanax and that should kick in pretty soon, and then I will go to bed. This week has been the pits, especially this weekend and today, Sunday, was really a roller coaster!! I spent most of the afternoon in bed. It seemed like every time I'd try to interact and go about doing things, I would be overcome by anxiety, which then built to the roller coaster of panic, and then I would feel depressed and just want to cry. We had planned on taking our oldest son's birthday present over to him ( he's been out of town) but I couldn't even manage to do that. My husband is understanding, but on this kind of day, it works better if I just stay away from him because I can become very bitchy which of course makes him angry and confused, and then I feel guilty and then more depressed than ever. My husband knew I didn't feel well, but I'm not sure he knew I was having so many panic attacks or that I'm feeling so depressed. I get tired of talking about it!
According to some self-help books I've read, I should write about my panic attacks while I'm having one. So, here goes: I am shaking all over, I've been crying off and on, I feel scared, alone and thoroughly defeated. I dread tomorrow because I WILL be alone---husband will be at work, my "safe" person will be gone most of the day at the dentist, and I'll just be here in my house going NUTS!!! I have so much I need to do, but I just can't, won"t conjure up the energy. You might ask, "Well, if you're having a PA, how can you possibly be typing and thinking?" Beats the hell out of me. I just know that for years I kept a diary and was always able to write even if my handwriting was shaky and my thoughts not entirely clear. My mouth is dry, I feel dizzy and I would just like to go outside and yell. I'm not going to yell, of course---that's why I'm writing. What I have been doing most of the evening--after my husband went to bed--is going outside, sitting on the bench in the foyer, smoking a cigarette and crying.
I haven't felt this bad for this long in years. I just can't seem to get past the anxiety for any length of time and now depression is creeping in, and that really scares me. I keep thinking tomorrow will be better, and most times that is true, but this cycle of anxiety, etc. doesn't seem to want to let up. Maybe, I'm not trying hard enough to help myself. Maybe, I'm giving in to it too much. According to Claire Weekes, I am not supposed to feel sorry for myself----and usually I do get past most of the crap that comes with the anxiety, but right now in my life, I am not doing a very good job of acting "AS IF"-just doing things "as if" everything was O.K.--not being bogged down in how I really feel or how difficult everyday tasks might be---just do them!
Well, it's 12:45 A.M. , Monday, and I do feel better---the panic is gone, I'm just a little shaky and out of sorts, but I have to be honest---I dread facing the rest of the day once I get up after I go to bed tonight.
TrackBack URI for this entry
Subscribe to this comment's feed
mama2three
said:
 |
... I think it's great that you sat down and wrote during your panic attack, not many of us could do that, at least not me, well not during a full blown one, especially when I'm real dizzy from one. You're right all we can do is really hope for tomorrow and live for today. Yesterday is only a memory. Try not to keep thinking that yesterday will be today. I often think like that and when I do I miss out on life. I know it's so much easier said then done and it's easier just to feel sorry for ourselves but when I think about that, where is that going to get me? Absolutely nowhere and I'll just sit and worry and complain about how bad my life truly is but always remember that we ALL have problems in our lives, nobody's life is perfect and if anyone tells you that, they're obviously wrong. Try and think about all the positives in your life and all you have to be thankful for I hope you have a beautiful week and again, I admire you for sitting here and writing when you were so anxious. |
txgofast
said:
 |
... I was feeling really badly just yesterday and saw on TV a story on Holocaust survivors and then felt so bad that I was worrying about myself etc. when there are so many people out there that are much worse off. If I spent as much energy on helping people as I do worrying, I could help allot of people. I started a toy drive that day, now I worry I will not collect much..lol! At least I am trying. Anyway I hope you feel better soon..I know what it is like. Try reading a book, not about anxiety, just something happy, or a movie thats funny or take a bubble bath. I know thats probably nothing new but give it a try. :) |
Just4me
Private Chat!
View Profile
Send Email