Panic Survivor Members Blog

So for a long while now I've been really quite tired, every time I lay down I think 'oh I could go for a nap' and I can generally fall asleep quite quickly without even being tired. It's been going on for quite a while and I've been to the doctor two or three times about it, not because it was making me anxious but just because I thought something might be out of synch. They checked me for diabetes and anemia but it came back fine, everything is normal. My Doctor suggested it might be a stress thing, which sounds like it might make sense, I just wondered if anyone else gets this crazy urge to sleep all the time? 

In other news, the anxiety cloud hasn't particularly lifted yet this week but so far no attacks! [I say this now but you never know, I might be back on this in a few hours suffering (I hope not!!!!)] I'm finding it all a bit draining at the moment. I did, however, sort out filling in and posting my accommodation application form today and I should be fine now for the next academic year. I also decided to treat myself to the cinema today with one of my Uni friends and one of their friends. I was a bit apprehensive because cinemas can be one of my triggers and with it being a bit of a bad week on the anxiety front, I really wasn't sure how I'd cope. Thankfully I got through it really well, no attacks and I didn't need to leave the theater at any stage for a break.   I was proud of myself, it's something I've really struggled with for around ten years now and I love the thought that it might be something I'm gaining control over.

My mouth is still a bit sore this week, I'm 98% sure it's just a wisdom tooth issue but it really didn't help that I had a horrible nightmare regarding a dentist. Every time I go for a nap at the moment I wake up having had a really terrifying nightmare. It's really very uncomfortable but I'm trying not to let it bother me.

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Hello friends,

I wonder why it is that you do so many things to try and control and suppress anxiety, but within minutes or seconds the anxiety take back control of your thoughts. Anyone feel the same??? 

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I'm staring wearily at my blog tab, not sure of where to begin. This is a positive update, of sorts, for a change, as it has been ages since I gave a decent, heartfelt clause about where I stand with my anxiety.

 Things have been in the upswing for me since last August. I got a second job doing tarot reading- something I have been doing fifteen years and I could consider my first passion. From that spot, I began learning more about alternative methods of healing, and I just recently received Master status as a Reiki healer. The energy, and healing power that Reiki has as a whole has changed my life immensely. Many of the techniques I have used upon my clients I am able to utilize for myself to maintain a place of peace- something of which I spent the better half of eighteen years searching for.

I still have tough moments, however, as any person in my situation would. There are good and bad days. The thing about recovery is that the problem and reasoning at hand is never entirely absolved- you learn to work with what you are given, and with that, you build a new way to live with yourself and your condition. It's a safe place for me that I feel I coped in an unhealthy way down a very scary road because I didn't know much better. I am grateful, now, for my changes as they have come. I am truly blessed in that sense.

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Haven't blogged in a while, I haven't felt a need to until today. Actually, I thought this might happen, I felt some stress yesterday afternoon and wondered 'will my anxiety flare up? Is there a way to ward that off?' then I put it to the back of my mind because I thought I was being silly. This is the most stress fueled section of this academic year, I have a lot of studying and work to do and I only have five weeks until I go back home for the summer. I feel like something is tightening around me and I just want to burst out of it, I really don't know what's wrong just now. I've made some really good friends recently, one in particular who is just lovely and we connect very well. I think I can certainly say she is one of my best friends but recently there has been four or five discussions within our academic work and without that have involved pregnancy and abortion. I feel like I'm living a lie by not mentioning to her that I've had a termination; she's not against it but I feel like I'm not able to talk about it. I know this isn't particularly the place for that sort of discussion and that not everyone agrees with those decisions but it's been a part of my journey and it's bothered me for a while now. I have a horrible feeling of depression surrounding that time in my life, I feel it follows me in everything I do and I'm not quite sure how to work through it. I decided this evening to speak honestly and openly about the subject with my fiance but we both know he didn't know what to say to make me feel better; I don't know that there is anything he could say. I feel quite trapped in myself at the moment. 

Yesterday I came to the revelation that I needed to rediscover myself, I've realised that as a person I'm not sure who I am anymore. When I go and visit my family at home I don't know where I fit in, what my place is and when I'm at University I feel disconnected and alone despite having wonderful friends. I distract myself by making plans and keeping busy and thankfully that has helped to thwart my anxiety incredibly. Yet I don't feel much happier, I feel quite tired. Today I slept until 3pm in the afternoon, I missed four classes; that is the first time that's happened and I'm swearing to myself that it will never happen again unless I am extremely ill.  

I have a strange tingle in my jaw again, almost a hotness, but I'm not swollen. My teeth are sort of tingling but none of them have any sensitivity or pain when I bite down on them. I'm assuming it's just wisdom tooth related as opposed to tooth ache but the prospect has really thrown me off tonight. I've been fighting off a panic attack for hours now, I remain undefeated but I vow to actually go outside tomorrow and get fresh air. Perhaps I'll try some breathing techniques before I sleep.

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Good morning,

so I had a sort of bad day yesterday. I had to drive my boyfriend to his doctor appointment and I had a horrible attack. They seem to come a lot when I am driving. My boyfriend was trying to talk to me and keep me occupied but I didn't work too well. Because I am not strong enough to not go back to thinking about my attack. When we got o is appointment I was ok. I wasn't really thinking about my attack. While we were waiting for his medication to b filled, he took me to a wonderful lunch/dinner. Drove to get his meds and i was really nervous about having an attack. I did but it wasn't a big one. I did ok driving home on the interstate and by the time we got home I was doing ok. Is this ever going to end??? 

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Ok, so it's 5:30 in the morning and I can't seem to go back to sleep and my mind is going a million miles a minute. Just made another drink and took half a zanax. I had a good day yesterday and even a good evening and went to bed feeling good, so why is this happening again??? I think there are sooooo many things wrong with me and I sit here by myself, thinking why is this happening to me?? I am a good person and I didn't do anything to deserve this, none of us who suffers from this did anything to deserve this. This is such a horrible feeling. I don't know how anyone else feels physically when you are going through one, but my feeling is like a déjà vue. It is such a weird feeling and as soon as I start feeling like that I know I am going to have one. Anyone else have that weird feeling? I had to change my doctor appointment until next week but its ok, it was for a good reason. My step daughter will b put of town for a few days, so my boyfriend and I decided to go out of town for a few days ourselves. Now I'm not sure if canceling was a good idea, but I think it will do me and us some good. Wish us luck. Will blog again in a few about some more things going on. 

Thanks,

k 

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Haven't been on the site for a while and it came to me how much better I felt after to communicating with the people on here. My anxiety and panic attacks have always been bad. It's hard for me to live in the moment and enjoy anything really. Depressing yes blah. I'm getting better with my attacks at least, it's not everyday. I have a great boyfriend that handles my woes with care at least and everyone around me knows how sensitive I am and is easy on me. I really just need to learn how to distract myself. Comedy usually helps. Laughter is the best medicine. But when an attack comes now it comes with a vengeance, like some horrible reminder it never really goes away. It's just exhausting and I really want it to stop. I haven't had luck with anti-anxiety medications so I self medicate. Not the best thing to do but it helps 95% of the time. Just wanted to vent somewhere where the people who are reading this can understand. Thanks for reading my emotional diarrhea lol ohhh comedy.

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Wow, last week was tough. I let myself get in a bit of a state really. Didn't sleep properly. Didn't eat properly. Cried. 

 It wasn't good.

The thing is, I think I'm actually doing  an ok job of the course. I'm getting fairly positive feedback. I'm just really hard on myself and thrash myself over every little thing. I feel like at some point someone is going to turn round and say, "why haven't you been doing this?"

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Prayer from Richard Foster's book, Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home. Picture from http://www.incourage.me/2013/03/53649.html

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This week has not been good to me at all.  As I said in my last post, the physical pain is wearing on me.  On Tuesday, I got a burning headache with so much pressure in the top of my head that I thought it was going to burst.  It kept me up most of Tuesday night and still hasn't gone away.  It has been on and off ever since.  The muscle relaxer my doctor prescribed barely puts a dent in this pain, so I called him yesterday to see what else I can do and I am getting a cat scan tomorrow evening.  I'm pretty sure that it will be normal, but I'm glad he finally ordered one for me.  These headaches really scare me into a panic attack.  I actually broke down crying for about 15 minutes in the shower this morning because the pressure was so extreme and it completely freaked me out.  I just want this all gone.

It's so hard to walk around and pretend like I am okay because I don't want anyone to worry about me.  I always tell myself that I refuse to let the aches, pains, and overall anxiety slow me down and keep me from doing what I need to do everyday, but it is getting really difficult.  I almost started crying on the phone with my mom yesterday and I almost cried in front of my 8 year old this morning on the way to school.  My mom and my grandmother both went through this so I talk to my mom about it all of the time.  I call her when I'm having a bad moment and she usually calms me down or changes my thoughts, but I can't break down and cry to her because I don't want her worrying about me that much.  It breaks her heart to hear me cry.  I don't know how much longer I can keep up the act. I finally made an appointment with a therapist for next Tuesday, so hopefully she will be able to help me cope and I know I won't feel bad for talking to her and letting her see my fears.  

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