Panic Survivor Members Blog

I am embarrassed lately of the thoughts that go through my head. Like they are so silly no one should have them. But people do and I do. Thoughts of hurting myself or catastrophes. But mostly lately its thoughts of hurting myself. I don't know why I think like this and it feels like i cant stop it. Its embarrassing to tell people about because I feel like its silly. I don't think people really know how messed up my thoughts can be at times. Because I am to scared to tell them. Maybe they will deem me clinically insane and that will  be the end of it. 

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Just over a week ago now my boyfriend and I decided to break up. I don't think it's quite hit home yet. I think I'm feeling numb, and I think I've been feeling numb for quite a long time, which was part of the problem. 

We were together for six years. He was my first everything. First boyfriend, first kiss, first boy best friend, first boy to meet my family, first boy I went on holiday with. The list goes on.  

It's hard to know whether it's my apathy that ruined things or whether I was apathetic because I knew things weren't right.  

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hello all -

does anyone else expeience the horrible feeling of not being able to catch your breath?

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I have a new identity. I belong to Christ. This Servant--Shepherd--Savior loved me and died for me. He took my filthy rags away and wrapped me in His robe of righteousness. He who died and rose again is mighty, faithful and true. He hears my cries for help and saves me from a broken past, wrongful thinking, oppression, and from my sinful nature.

I have a new identity. I've been transformed from death to everlasting life by Christ's rejuvenating resurrection power. When the enemy tries to tempt me to believe I haven't changed, I can turn toward my God and find refuge. I no longer have to walk in brokenness, weighed down by guilt, circumstances, or driven by anxiety. I can choose to believe and have hope. I can choose to pray to my heavenly Father because I am His child. He rewards my faith as I withdraw from worldly passions and diligently seek Him.

I have a new identity. The Holy Spirit testifies with my spirit that I am God's child. Panic and anxiety do not get to define me. I don't face anything alone. I can ask in the moment of my need and wait in expectation. He will answer. He lives in me to teach me, guide me, lead and protect me. Panic cannot take His protection away. He provides for me and keeps my soul safe. He is trustworthy. There is no one in heaven or on earth who is like Him. He is Truth and Life. I have a new identity. I've been bought with a price. I am not my own. My body is His temple. But when I am weak, His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weakness. So when I am weak, I humbly bow, and in due time, He raises me up again. He enables me to persevere, to continue to do what I cannot possibly do on my own.  

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i got into a horrible fight with my ex-husband yesterday on mothers day and i am still feeling the affects of it. he is and will always be a huge bully who does nothing but judge and critize everybody and everything they do (including me still). i always told him that i wished that he had beat me instead of the mental abuse he put me thru. the bruises go away, but the mental stuff will always be there.

i dont know if anyone had read my post about my anxiety but i have panic attacks about me having a heart attack or stroke, especially while i am driving and no one will n there to help me. so ui have been unable to go any of my sons baseball games because i dont want to drive by myself. i dont really have anyone that can go with me because everyone works and my boyfriend is in really bad shape to be riding in a car for that long. so the thought of me going terrifies me.

apparently my ex has been talking trash about me to our son, saying on its all in her head, and its just an excuse and other b.s. well i have been tallking to my son about it and frankly he is really the only who needs to know anything that is going on. he did say he was ok and that he understood, but i still feel and felt bad, like i was a horrible mother. so of course, my critizing, judgemental ex started talking trash yesterday when i asked him to just meet me half way so i didnt have to drive all the way. he told my son "i cant meet u because i am having an anxiety attak and my foot hurts". can u get anymore childish or be a bigger jerk?

of course after yelling and screaming for what seemed like forever with him, he then says oh i didnt know because u or our son didnt tell him anything. i didnt really think it was any of his business but i did see that i was wrong an apologized, but can u understand now why i didnt tell him?

sorry to have written so much, but i feel better now that i said something.

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I was a brave soul earlier this year to move into an apt. I didn't foresee the cost of what it would do to me emotionally. I felt detached from my new surroundings as if I were a visitor waiting to go home, to the home I'd lived in for over 20 years. The panic attacks took a pounding on me. There were two times that I felt like I didn't exist and could not get grounded. Those were the times that my mother talked me back to reality. I've had to see my doctor on a monthly basis instead of the usual 3 month interval. In April, my doctor suggested I begin working on building my nest. I had been here for over a month with boxes unpacked and nothing hanging up. That day I hung up a clock and one picture in the kitchen. Until this past weekend, I wouldn't even talk about getting a couch for the livingroom. Now it is filled and looks nice with a normal furniture arrangement.

Well, when my daughter began school, I started a 12 year memory frame of her school pictures each year. She graduates this week. I haven't filled in the last picture or put any of her senior pictures in frames to display. I'm hoping to be ready to do that soon. I bought all the decorations for a graduation party. Just haven't pulled it all together yet.

I have been on crying jags about the move and the graduation. I don't like my older kids to tell me I couldn't handle the home I had before, etc. When it was my idea that it was a good idea to move on, I did have a relapse with my panic disorder, but I'm beginning to move forward. 

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Lately I have been feeling like i cant focus. Like my eyes wont stay focused on something. And i kind of zone out. I find that if i go lay down and keep my eyes closed and maybe doze of for a bit i will be better for another hour or so after i wake up. Then it starts again. Is this because of anxiety. I know anxiety can cause depersonalization. I am not sure if thats what this is. Its really freaking me out. Have you ever felt this way? 

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ok so i am going to go and pick up my son tomorrow for the weekend and i am so freakin scared to drive. i have been having some big attacks while i am driving thinking i am going to have a heart attack or stroke.

we just bought a brand new corvette that my son wants me to pick him up in, which is fine but then that meand that i would have to drive by myself. i had a plan to have someone come with me, but the car only seats 2.

now i know this isnt until tomorrow, but i would love some safe, reassuring words to get me thru until tomorrow.

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Hi all!! I hope the spring is treating everyone well and with a fresh look at hope :)  I have been very stable (dare i say) since I last posted.  I have had about 8 visits with a professional and have been practicing all I have learned with continued success :)  I and the family took a plane trip and a weeks vacation to see my parents a few weeks ago and i must say even though the plane ride was uncomfortable (as it always is for me) I did not crash and burn and felt very relaxed and we all had a great visit and I didnt crash and burn when i got home as has happened in the past! I am still on the same meds at the same levels but I feel myself moving forward more and more after 2 years of this....This weekend will be the first camping trip of the season and after the horrible trip at the end of last summer (see previous blog) I am curious to see how this will go but i remain positive, we shall see :)

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went to my thrapist today. second time (i am proud of myself with sticking with it). she again let me vent and tell the horrible story of my roommate, who is a complete nghtmare. as i was driving there, i was almost run off the road in my boyfriends brand new corvette. i was shaking so bad, and it seems that i havent really stopped shaking. we did the breathing exercise, but i was still shaken. i came back home, and had a few drinks because i was so worried about having an attack thinking about being in an accident. i am such a worry wort, and it is very difficult for me to get worry out of my head. and for me, it takes a while for me to start thinking about other things. its just crazy!!!

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