Panic Survivor Members Blog

Hi everyone I'm a 27 year old female who has been dealing with anxiety and panic since i was 19. At that time I turned to drugs like xanax and it led to other things and i became a full blown drug addict. After a few arrests and being forcefully put in a drug program i finally got sick and tired or being sick and tired and got clean November 16th 2010. I was put on Celexa and felt cured, six months later i got pregnant and got off the meds and felt fine. My son is now 7 months old and i just weaned him off breastfeeding, and my anxiety came back with a vengeance. I can barely leave the house and feel like i did when i turned to xanax in the first place. It is the most debilitating and helpless feeling in the world,  i just want to be there for my baby and be successful for my family and myself. I started Celexa again 3 days ago and its the most torturous feeling waiting for this SSRI to start working.

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Its hard to believe 22 days have passed. On Sunday night I got the best sleep I've had in a long time. I slept from 930pm to 730pm. The other thing is it was that I actually had a dream. Last night I slept from 930pm woke up at 2am then back to sleep until 5am. So all in all my sleep pattern is greatly improving. As you all can probably relate if you're not sleeping well it will add to your anxiety/energy level etc. Another thing is yesterday was pretty much anxiety free. I would say I felt about 95%. So it looks like the meds are finally kicking in and I'm getting back to my normal well being. Again the key for me is to keep going on all my lifestyle changes.

I hope everyone finds their way to cope with anxiety. 

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Music is a major part of my life. I am a musician (though I haven't had the drive to sing lately because of stresses). I said in an earlier post I use music as a coping mechanism. Music can really change your mood up, the right song at the right time. I didn't sleep last night, my mind was racing non stop (as is usually the case with me). And I have had a really rough day struggling to get some stuff done for college. 

I wanted to Share this song with you all, It might not be your "cup of tea" per-say, but it has great meaning to me and a really good message. 

 

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Well lastnight I finally slept from 930pm to 500am YAY. So I'm still feeling low level anxiety like level 1-2 but I;m coping (I guees like we all do) I had a little bit of anxiety yesterday at work becuase I was teaching a class. In the back of my head there is always that voice that says don't panic don't panic they will all notice. Ah well I managed. So lastnight I came home and went for a walk for 30mins. It was cold but nice to be outside. I thought how much I love nature and being outdoors. Breathing in the fresh air etc. My job normally is behind a computer. Anyway I then had a nice relaxing bath follow by 5 mins of breathing techniques and finally 20 mins of muscle relaxation. By the time I did all that my anxiety was completely gone. I now know by main effort right now needs to focus on RELAXING and SLOWING DOWN when I can. We all seem to live in a fast paced society that we don't really take the time to enjoy life.

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Growing up I was an only child, adopted from birth. My parents worked for the Government so I was alone a lot. Well, I did after school things and what not, but at home it was just me and my imagination for the most part. A lot of my role models came from comic books. Batman, Tank Girl, and Spawn mostly. Back when I was younger they were just stories to escape but I looked up to these fictional characters because they were forces to be reckoned with. I still read comics and have a love for them today, only it isn't just for the awesome cool toys the characters have, the witty and smart ass actions, or the way they strut through explosions. 

I took a course on mythology in college a while back... learning about the foundations of stories and their protagonists, how we relate, what makes us identify. Now looking to my favorite pictures and words I keep perfectly in their tiny plastic covers, I see something different. 

Sure they are fantastical out of this world stories... but these role models I had and have still hah, have morals and inner workings to be learn't from. 

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Well lastnight was the worst night I can remember for my anxiety. It started at work around 3pm when I had a ton of people all come and throw more work at me. I started to feel overwealmed and then the anxiety started making me feel disreal. I car pool on the way home so I tried to just focus on my breathing so it didn't turn into panic. Once I dropped off my fellow co worked my anxiety started to escalate. It turned into full on panic while I was driving. When i got home I went upstairs and tried breathing techniques. I would say I had 3-4 boughts of panic lastnight. It got so bad I kept thinking there must be something seriously wrong and I should go to the hospital. Like Always I rode it out and took some sleeping pills and fell asleep. I have my family Dr's appt today and will talk to him about it. I was hoping the meds would have kicked in fully and eliminated all my anxiety by now. Oh and its day 8 of the meds.

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Wasn't able to sleep last night, stress and worry has been bogging me down. I'm actually in the middle of a panic episode right now. I just ate and I'm sure it is me being overtired and food hitting me from not eating well (prolly my anemia too), I think I've been awake for almost 20 hours, but I'm dizzy and spinny and my thoughts are getting the better of me. I used to talk to my husband when I panicked but that is not an option anymore and I don't have many I can talk to, certainly not at 7 in the morning. I'm trying to get used to the fact that I will be living alone and I will have to deal with these episodes on my own so I thought I could try to write here :( I hate the feeling of helplessness that these attacks brew, and how my mind is so loose and spacey. I'm actually kinda surprised I'm managing to write -here- at this moment (fixing my grammar mistakes is helping a bit lol). What if, what if, what if... that's all I can hear... and it seems so logical, though a tiny voice in my head says - no, just breath, focus and ride it out. I went a good 2 years with very minimal attacks, but lately I have had so much on my mind it is hard to stop the thoughts before they get carried away. I worry about school, a close friend of mine, my parents, living alone, my puppy, work, my panic and anxiety... and then once all those are brewing, all of a sudden my mind goes.... "it's 7 am... how are you so awake? why are we thinking so much?" and BAM! I'm brewing up bad memories from my past and thinking it's gotta be drugs or an allergic reaction.... then it's off to my personal hell. I do have to say (I talked about this in another blog I did) I have been watching my time so far and its been about 15 minutes into this attack, but writing here has made me feel better and calm down some. I'm not sure what I hate the most though... the actual attack or feeling guilty and a burden afterwards. I feel so guilty for some reason after I have an attack, and vent my way through it, like I caused the other person stress and annoyance by clinging on for support. I guess I am just so used to people assuming I am strong and independent that when I loose hold, I feel like I let them down. I know that isn't right but that is just how I feel. I've reached my 20 min mark now and like clockwork (knock on wood) The attack has subsided. I feel a little proud that I didn't run for support and kinda worked through it on my own... though I am still technically writing to all of you. I think I need to get a little more creative with my coping mechanisms... because there is a long road ahead of me coming up, and I won't always have someone to talk to. I need a nap to go look at kitten pictures or something :( This site has been a great help for me, and I am thankful to have found it and all of you. 

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there are some things in my life that just dont make sense to anyone else. yet these things are most profound and meaningful to me. they are hard to explain because no-one else really knows the full story of me nor the way that my being works and interacts with the world around me.

 a long time ago i was having a hard time. not really knowing where else to go i went and sat by the graveside of my old nan who had passed on some years before. as i spoke out loud about the spot that i was in i noticed something in front of me. what it was is of no importance to you here and now. but it was something that i noticed at the time and which stuck in my mind.

later that same day, in the evening, i was standing in the car park underneath a building, waiting for some help in the form of some people that i knew. when again i noticed this same thing. it was so small that no-one else would notice it. but i had already seen it once that day and here it was again.

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Today is day 7 for being on full meds. I am still having slight anxiety and derealization through out the day. Not all day it just comes and goes. I have started to make a few changes such as taking Vitamin C and B 50, breathing exercises and writing in daily log book. I am also still having sleeping problems. My body is programed to wake up at 430ish and then I got back to sleep until 515ish. I don't know if its because of the time change? Anyway the next few weeks will be pretty busy with work but in less than a month I have a whole month off. I can't wait

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Sorry to write it again, but it's so helpful to write, get these thoughts out, and have people that write back understand and support..

I was doing great, but I am getting so carried away with having to leave Friday I can't stop thinking about all the things I have to do.  I am obsessed with having my place perfectly cleaned and everything ready to go prior to leaving for a vacation!  I hate leaving anything not done to say the least.  I essentially drive myself crazy.. hence this leads to me picking my skin!  It is so horrible, but I can see the trigger so clearly.. but I can't seem to stop and slow my self down =(

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