Panic Survivor Members Blog

 

Just finished reviewing the last week of James: Mercy Triumphs' homework for tonight's last session. You never know what is going to go on in your life during the weeks of a Bible study, but every study I've ever done has spoken to what I was going through at the time. Isn't that just like God's Word? It is relevant and it is applicable to your daily life, and it will speak to every circumstance, transition, and just plain everyday life. As Moses told his people,"These are not just words to you, they are your life!" (Deuteronomy) We can't survive in this world culture without the Word of God. It is truly our daily bread and the living water that quenches our thirst. The world culture today is self-centered, dark, evil,  and  tries to violate our spirits and souls. We need godly provisions daily.

My favorite verses that were brought up in this week's homework: "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." 1 Peter 2:9-10

I praise God for choosing me to be His special possession that I may declare His praises for bringing me out of the darkness of the futility and hopelessness of my thinking and into His glorious light. Flawed and sinful, with evil desires I cannot control without Him, He sought me and paid the price so that I could be made righteous and holy and live now and forever with Him. Truly, "Mercy triumphs over judgment." (James 2:13)

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So... it's been quite a stressful week so far. I had two essays due in on Friday, I got through that without allowing my stress levels to get too high. I have an exam in the morning but as I took saturday off to relax, I don't particularly feel anxious. Yet I still feel like there's the potential for stress lurking at the back of my mind. I don't feel like I've done enough work for this exam but another part of me feels quite confident in my abilities. I'm more worried that one of my essays wasn't particularly good but the subject was just so complex and particular that I didn't feel very confident. It didn't help that the 'constructive' criticism I got on my last essay from that tutor didn't add up to the feedback I've received in all my other courses. After having spoken to friends who study that course as their main degree, I'm starting to think that the tutor may have a personal issue with me but I don't want to jump to conclusions. Thankfully I won't be taking that course in the next academic year so I'm hoping that I will have passed with a decent enough grade and move on with subjects I feel more comfortable with. 

My fiance arrives in a few days to help my pack all of my things before my parents come to collect me to take me back home. I've just been thinking how strange it will be to live with my family again, I've got my own routine now and the prospect of change is a little daunting. I'm also a little bit sad to be removing all my little personal bits and bobs from what I now feel is MY room. I feel as though I've achieved so much by coming here and getting through the academic year without too many major blips. There's a bit of a worry in the back of my mind that by going home I will undo all the work I've done and end up struggling at the start of the next semester. Recently I've felt as though I've been quite disconnected from home, I haven't really spoken to my parents in a few weeks and my Auntie just got engaged. My Godmother has asked me to a be bridesmaid at her wedding so I look forward to going home a bit more in the next year.

Hope everyone is doing fine,

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Well I just had my 2 year anniversary with my wife on Friday.  But we still haven't made love in almost 3 months so I'm really finding it harder and harder to stay... It's almost like we are roommates and not husband/wife.  I went out to concert Thursday night and then last night I went out dancing and had a great time but though I offered and wanted her to go she wouldn't get out of the house to go with me.  I just mentioned a few minutes ago to put down the computer and let's go make love and she just shook her head no.....  I'm getting really sick and tired of that computer and t.v. taking precedence over me!  She never comes and sleeps in the bed when I'm in it.  The only kiss I get is a kiss goodnight.  I try and come up behind her and hold her and she steps out of it.... I just don't know that I can keep on living with a woman that loves the computer and t.v. more than me.  Sounds girly I know for a man to say that but damn it it's getting really really old to have no intimacy in this house.  I just don't know how much longer I can do it....  I'm about to give the ultimatum either we start going to marriage counseling and she tries to give me more attention or she can pack her shit and go.... I hate to be that way but I'd rather be single and lonely and have the chance to find love and intimacy than to be stuck in a marriage where she'd rather watch t.v. or play video games over letting me hold her or be intimate with her....  I give her the roof over her head I pay for her car insurance her cell phone the groceries she buys the dogs food etc.... and all I hear is when I say it to her is I love you too....  I'm just getting really fed up with it and needed to vent!

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I am embarrassed lately of the thoughts that go through my head. Like they are so silly no one should have them. But people do and I do. Thoughts of hurting myself or catastrophes. But mostly lately its thoughts of hurting myself. I don't know why I think like this and it feels like i cant stop it. Its embarrassing to tell people about because I feel like its silly. I don't think people really know how messed up my thoughts can be at times. Because I am to scared to tell them. Maybe they will deem me clinically insane and that will  be the end of it. 

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Just over a week ago now my boyfriend and I decided to break up. I don't think it's quite hit home yet. I think I'm feeling numb, and I think I've been feeling numb for quite a long time, which was part of the problem. 

We were together for six years. He was my first everything. First boyfriend, first kiss, first boy best friend, first boy to meet my family, first boy I went on holiday with. The list goes on.  

It's hard to know whether it's my apathy that ruined things or whether I was apathetic because I knew things weren't right.  

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hello all -

does anyone else expeience the horrible feeling of not being able to catch your breath?

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I have a new identity. I belong to Christ. This Servant--Shepherd--Savior loved me and died for me. He took my filthy rags away and wrapped me in His robe of righteousness. He who died and rose again is mighty, faithful and true. He hears my cries for help and saves me from a broken past, wrongful thinking, oppression, and from my sinful nature.

I have a new identity. I've been transformed from death to everlasting life by Christ's rejuvenating resurrection power. When the enemy tries to tempt me to believe I haven't changed, I can turn toward my God and find refuge. I no longer have to walk in brokenness, weighed down by guilt, circumstances, or driven by anxiety. I can choose to believe and have hope. I can choose to pray to my heavenly Father because I am His child. He rewards my faith as I withdraw from worldly passions and diligently seek Him.

I have a new identity. The Holy Spirit testifies with my spirit that I am God's child. Panic and anxiety do not get to define me. I don't face anything alone. I can ask in the moment of my need and wait in expectation. He will answer. He lives in me to teach me, guide me, lead and protect me. Panic cannot take His protection away. He provides for me and keeps my soul safe. He is trustworthy. There is no one in heaven or on earth who is like Him. He is Truth and Life. I have a new identity. I've been bought with a price. I am not my own. My body is His temple. But when I am weak, His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weakness. So when I am weak, I humbly bow, and in due time, He raises me up again. He enables me to persevere, to continue to do what I cannot possibly do on my own.  

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i got into a horrible fight with my ex-husband yesterday on mothers day and i am still feeling the affects of it. he is and will always be a huge bully who does nothing but judge and critize everybody and everything they do (including me still). i always told him that i wished that he had beat me instead of the mental abuse he put me thru. the bruises go away, but the mental stuff will always be there.

i dont know if anyone had read my post about my anxiety but i have panic attacks about me having a heart attack or stroke, especially while i am driving and no one will n there to help me. so ui have been unable to go any of my sons baseball games because i dont want to drive by myself. i dont really have anyone that can go with me because everyone works and my boyfriend is in really bad shape to be riding in a car for that long. so the thought of me going terrifies me.

apparently my ex has been talking trash about me to our son, saying on its all in her head, and its just an excuse and other b.s. well i have been tallking to my son about it and frankly he is really the only who needs to know anything that is going on. he did say he was ok and that he understood, but i still feel and felt bad, like i was a horrible mother. so of course, my critizing, judgemental ex started talking trash yesterday when i asked him to just meet me half way so i didnt have to drive all the way. he told my son "i cant meet u because i am having an anxiety attak and my foot hurts". can u get anymore childish or be a bigger jerk?

of course after yelling and screaming for what seemed like forever with him, he then says oh i didnt know because u or our son didnt tell him anything. i didnt really think it was any of his business but i did see that i was wrong an apologized, but can u understand now why i didnt tell him?

sorry to have written so much, but i feel better now that i said something.

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I was a brave soul earlier this year to move into an apt. I didn't foresee the cost of what it would do to me emotionally. I felt detached from my new surroundings as if I were a visitor waiting to go home, to the home I'd lived in for over 20 years. The panic attacks took a pounding on me. There were two times that I felt like I didn't exist and could not get grounded. Those were the times that my mother talked me back to reality. I've had to see my doctor on a monthly basis instead of the usual 3 month interval. In April, my doctor suggested I begin working on building my nest. I had been here for over a month with boxes unpacked and nothing hanging up. That day I hung up a clock and one picture in the kitchen. Until this past weekend, I wouldn't even talk about getting a couch for the livingroom. Now it is filled and looks nice with a normal furniture arrangement.

Well, when my daughter began school, I started a 12 year memory frame of her school pictures each year. She graduates this week. I haven't filled in the last picture or put any of her senior pictures in frames to display. I'm hoping to be ready to do that soon. I bought all the decorations for a graduation party. Just haven't pulled it all together yet.

I have been on crying jags about the move and the graduation. I don't like my older kids to tell me I couldn't handle the home I had before, etc. When it was my idea that it was a good idea to move on, I did have a relapse with my panic disorder, but I'm beginning to move forward. 

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Lately I have been feeling like i cant focus. Like my eyes wont stay focused on something. And i kind of zone out. I find that if i go lay down and keep my eyes closed and maybe doze of for a bit i will be better for another hour or so after i wake up. Then it starts again. Is this because of anxiety. I know anxiety can cause depersonalization. I am not sure if thats what this is. Its really freaking me out. Have you ever felt this way? 

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