Panic Survivor Members Blog

one of the 3 lumps in my thyroid was cancer the dr said it was at such a early stage he feels nothing more needs to be done but i am getting a 2nd opinion and on top of that idk is there a way to have a full body scan to find any tumor cause i  feel it would be the right thing to do just to make sure this wasnt caused by a tumor spread seeing how thyroid cancer at my age is so uncommon

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Well, I've been going through a rough time recently. I've been sick with mono for the last two weeks, and its getting unbearable. Mono has made me very sick and physically weak.. and combine that (or contribute as well?) with some horrible panic, and that's where I'm at.  Its been a struggle.. cause its to the point where every time I leave the house now, I'm getting hit with panic. I figure its because I feel so weak and have panic like symptoms to begin with.. that it triggers things. Also, general stress has been up the last few weeks.  Always get more prone to anxiety and feeling down in the Fall... preparing for fiance to leave soon. So, stress is way up, naturally. However....

I had been doing pretty great lately.. all these huge problems with the anxiety just started when I got sick, so I'm thinking/hoping its connected, and its making me overwhelmed, etc.  On the upside, I'm finally on my way to getting married! So hopefully by early next year, we'll finally be together at last. I'm really happy and thankful for that, but I feel like I'm hanging by a thread at the moment. 

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Well what started out to be a perfect day has slowly turned into a day full of anxiety. Big surprise, I have no idea where it came from...well I do and I don't. You see my dad was recently in the hospital with pnemonia (I'm not sure of the spelling). While he was in there I kept thinking about the fact he is 91 years old and not in the best of health. I'm sure somewhere in my mind I was thinking that he wouldn't be around much longer. I know this sounds a little weird, but I'm not ready to give my dad up yet. I know he's had a very full life, but I don't know how I'm going to get through losing yet someone else I love so dearly. I lost my brother 22 years ago and my sister two years ago - both times were extremely hard on me. I'm still feeling the effects of losing my sister.

Anyway, today I wake up and really didn't feel any anxiety so to speak, I mean it's always there, but there are varying degrees of it - I'm sure you all know what I mean. But throughout the day I could see my thoughts were drifting to fearful things, then of course the depersonalization would kick in every once in awhile and even though I know what it is, it still makes me feel uncomfortable. These thoughts lead into thinking maybe this time it'll be different and I'll crack for sure - what if I can't get myself back to reality...you know the ones.

So this afternoon I decided to get my butt outside and go for a walk - I took a three mile walk around the forest preserve. While there I felt pretty good. I listened to Claire Weekes Pass Through Panic on my IPod and was feeling calm once more......until I walked in my door - I got nervous all over again. This is really unusual for me, because it's normally the other way around - I feel nervous outside my home and my home is my comfort zone! What the heck is going on here???? So, as soon as I walk in the door I saw a library book of my daughter's that needed to go back - I asked my daughter if she wanted to go with me, but she didn't - that was almost a relief - I wanted to be by myself - again...weird because before I'd want to be out with someone with me - to help me if I flipped out or something. So I drive to the library and checked out a few books - Gee! I wonder what kind of books I got!!! So now while I'm out, I'm talking to myself in the car (I do this a lot to help me sort out my thoughts) and again, feeling calm. I pull into the driveway and bam! it hits me again.

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Hello people. It's been 5 months since my last post, and i admit that things are still the same. But this time time, it's a kinda different. Despite panic attacks come from time to time, i tried many strategies to cope with my condition, and not just use panic attacks as an excuse. i still panic during exams, and i thank you for all your advices about taking your time and devise a stratagem to not crack under pressure. Again, this next two weeks will be a doozy.  i will be finishing up my papers and study for exams as early as possible, but not to be  over analytical again, to the point of being frantic.thanks again people.

 

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For a very very long time I have been afraid of flying in an airplane. As long as I can remember this has been one of my biggest fears. I have never flown anywhere, (except when I was a baby, which doesn't really count as I can't remember it).

I've had many dreams that I was getting on an airplane to go somewhere, and in my dreams I am always so afraid to fly. And I've tried when I'm awake to imagine myself ever getting on one, and I can't. All I can think of is that I will be feeling claustrophobic and panicky, and that I'll need to get off. I can't imagine spending hours on a plane thousands of feet in the air.

Except, now I am at a point in my life where I really do need to get on a plane. About 4 months ago I started talking online with a guy from Scotland, and just recently he came here to Canada to meet me. We care about each other very much, and we've decided to try this long-distance relationship, even though we both know it will be difficult in many ways. He knows about my fear of flying too, but of course he would really like me to visit him in Scotland.

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I asked the Lord to make Himself known to me today--I needed to know He was still with me, and He certainly has done that. After a weekend of sickness and low energy and feeling just down about myself, my spirit has been energized and my thoughts have been most wonderful today! He is such a great and loving God! Today He has answered my prayer. There is no other way I can explain it. I feel assured of His love for me.

I came across these words in my quiet time--"may your love and your truth always protect me." (Psalm 40:11 NIV) I so got that this morning. Without His love and His Truth--the Truth that sets me free--I am unprotected and vulnerable. I can get locked into negative thoughts and convincing lies. I praise you, Lord, this afternoon, for you have set me free once more from my condemning thoughts and made me feel secure in You!

 

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Not even sure what to write, just feeling like I need to write stuff down.

The last 2 weeks have been a bit hard.  More anxiety symptoms.  The elephant came back to sit on my chest a few times.  The cool part is that I know what's happening and I can separate myself from the symptoms.  Usually, just doing that is enough to get them to go away after a few minutes.  Sometimes it continues and if I don't feel like dealing, I pop a 1/4 of a klonopin.  Other times I just keep putting off taking anything and the next thing I know, the entire day has gone by.   Symptoms were there but didn't stop me from continuing with life as usual.

I'm more worried that the symptoms came back.  I'd been planning to talk to my psych about weaning off the antidepressants.  I have all the other medical things under control (I have several that can cause depression).  I consulted with my therapist first, asking her if she thought I was in a place to try.  She gave me the thumbs up, saying I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, had the coping skills, was using all I'd learned.  The question is now a medical one ... do I have chemical depression or was it all due to out of control medical issues and higher than normal stress in my daily life that I was not managing well.

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my relationship with my parenst has been worsening day by day. Its like they dont understand me anymore. They have no idea about my mental condition and always blame me for my current state. Recently, i had an arguement with my mom and she said callously that, i have been highly irresponsible and a spoilt child. Gosh! The rift has been increasing day by day, and i think my relationship with my parents has been deteriorating almost to the extent tht i dont feel connected to them anymore. I am so depressed right now and i dont know whats going to happen to me. I have no friends left and i feel utterly lonely. And now, the last resort is also fading away.

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Hope you all had a good weekend- I certainly did!

 I'm so glad I agreed to go to the wedding. I kept calm for the long journey there and at no point let my anxiety get the better of me throughout the weekend. I even relaxed enough to drink a bit which I tend not to do very often with other people there. Just about getting my appetite back now though, lack of sleep and alcohol meant I wasn't feeling my best for the journey back. The thing is I managed to stay calm about it. I just kept thinking that I couldn't feel as bad as I did on holiday last summer. I got myself so stressed and sleep deprived that I made myself physically ill on the journey there. This time though I coped well even when we got stuck in traffic which always sets me off a bit.

 Last night I was talking to two of my extended family whom I'm very close to and we  had a bit of a heart to heart. They think that I should book an appointment with a doctor to arrange to talk to someone about my self-esteem issues and things. I'm not sure yet whether I will. I do think it's getting a bit out of hand but  I'm not sure how much the therapist helped last time or whether I'd qualify for needing to see one.  

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Was just looking at some movie clips on YouTube, if you've read a lot of my old posts you know I love these motivational speeches.  I've been using them to motivate myself to keep goin about my work and trying to move foward.  Hope this helps and motivates you guys as well

Any Given Sunday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_iKg7nutNY

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