Panic Survivor Members Blog

Well today I had wave after wave of panic while at work.  I think it was due to the fact that I've been having to work the counter in the morning to pick up 2 people's slack by them not coming in til late in the day and then my stuff piles up and today was worse cause of the fact that tomorrow my manager and the manager at the other store are going with the owner to a meeting out of town so I have to go work at the other store tomorrow.  The one I originally worked at before transferring to the warehouse position; but I haven't been down there in months and with my work piled up I had to get it all checked in before I could leave today cause obviously I couldn't leave it outside I had to lock it up inside.  I had a huge filter order that was what I worked on from 1 til 5:15 and I think all of it together caused an attack.  So I took a half a lorazepam at 4:20 or so and then at 5:35 I had to take a delivery.  I was really really nervous and scared.  Made it the 6 blocks east for the first delivery by myself then I stopped and bought a water at a convenience store then I started driving to the other place which was the one I chickened out on yesterday that's about a mile from work.  I was really feeling an attack and scared but I called my mom and talked to her on the cell phone to try and get thru it.  I was gagging and feeling sick and thoughts rushing through my mind of how bad I was feeling and that I was going to throw up etc...and for some reason throwing up was a bad thing but I was able to talk to her and calm myself down and made it to that delivery and then back to the store.  Once back to the store I was fine and got off the phone with mom but then there was one more delivery and it was almost to the same place as the one I had to call mom on so when I started feeling panic again I tried to call mom again and she wouldn't pick up the phone but I made it down the road and to the shop and back to the store.  I felt stronger and better.  Left work and came home then Jody and I went down to the grocery store....About 20 blocks away from home and it was already dark which I think exasperates my anxiety but I drove us down there and was feeling it but I calmed myself knowing that Jody was with me and it wouldn't take long to get the groceries and go back home.  Was able to accomplish it without any meds.  Still hate that I had to take the lorazepam this afternoon and I am still a little leery about going to the other store for work tomorrow cause its literally 46 blocks from my house.  Which I know is not far but for those of y'all with anxiety with traveling you know how much farther and longer a block can be than normally...So I'm a little on edge but I am feeling a little better for now but at least I drove through my anxiety today.  So I feel better about that!!!

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Well these damn attacks won't go away!  I don't know what it is about this time of year that causes them to be worse but they are always worse this time of year it seems.  I did good today and didn't take a lorazepam til about 5:35 p.m. today cause I had to work til 6 and due to that I would have to take some deliveries...Took one that was about 8 blocks from the store but I really felt the panic and anxiety...Came back then at 5:30 I got another one that was about a block before Sam's Club which is about you know a mile or so from the store and I tried going but turned around and asked my boss the other guy there to take it cause I couldn't make it...Pissed me off that I had to turn around but I think it was better than hitting the wall in the middle of the road and having a full blown attack....I don't know though maybe I should've just kept going but second guessing won't help now...But once I got back to the store I took the lorazepam and then finished up the day.  Came home and my fiancee and I went and got some food.  My side was really starting to hurt and I was still feeling the attack...most of it because I was hungry but still anxious from the earlier trip.  We went to Arby's which is only about 5 or 6 blocks from where that last delivery was although I had Jody with me and she drove I had my eyes closed and breathing trying to relax most of the way to Arbys.  Which by the time I got there I was ok and feeling better...Its just amazing to me how much difference 5 mins can make and also how much easier it is on me when someone is with me rather than me driving alone....Don't understand it and probably never will....But another day down and lookin forward to tomorrow!

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Well I was hoping after this long weekend that my attacks would abate and leave me alone...No such luck...Woke up this morning and went to work and felt it immediately this morning.  Don't know why I was just anxious...Anxious about the day; Anxious about what I had to do today...Which is my normal everyday stuff nothing out of the ordinary.  Course I worked through it and took my every morning meds and then at 11:20 I took lunch...Came home cause its not far from work and was still feeling an attack so I drank an Ensure and then I took 1/2 a lorazepam and laid down and napped the rest of the lunch break.....Got up at 11:10 and went back to work...Once there I realized my attacks weren't bothering me much at all.  So I just relaxed as I worked the rest of the day.  5:00 came and I came home and our floor was sticky and Jody had mopped it 3 times so I mopped it once and now I'm just sitting here....Pondering why she is so stubborn about sex and us trying for a child....only 2 or 3 months out of the last year have we had sex more than 2 times in a month and those couple of months we did it between 4 and 6 times trying to get pregnant and now all she wants to do is once or twice...I asked her a week in advance if we were trying she said yes so we did it on Monday...Then we skipped Tuesday and then Wednesday we didn't and then on Thursday we had family and on Friday we were planning on it but her car wouldn't start after her and her mom went to the movies so she texted me at work and said she didn't feel like it after her car not starting cause she was frustrated....So we did it again Finally on Saturday...I didn't realize that was past the time....I mean hell I had asked if she wanted to try I guess her idea of trying and mine are two different things cause I asked her tonight if we were gonna try and she said nope its already past...The day was Thursday....Well great glad we really tried for a child...I mean hell just tell me you're through trying....I said that I'd try and get tested next year if she's not pregnant this time...she said ok cause she'd still have to get a pap smear and then other tests to find stuff out and be more expensive....however I don't know what the deal is...I mentioned that we needed to do it more and she said no we don't cause I know when I ovulate and besides we had done it 5 or 6 times a few times....yeah well sometimes its not an exact science...but she said we even did it on days she ovulated which should have done it then....well not always and not necessarily but what do I know she's the pre-med student..........She said she's not going to keep really trying and working herself up to disappointment when it don't work....Really I mean all you have is disappointment if there is no trying.....oh well....its not necessarily a bad thing.....just needed to vent a little....

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Well actually I've been having some minor bouts with my anxiety the last few weeks since the weather/time change plus I think my second job was really taxing and stressing me out...So that second job is no longer there after Friday...Then I start my new second job at a much less stressful place (hopefully).  Although today at lunch when I was driving to my second job to tell them that Friday will be my last day I was really feeling an attack hitting me and its only about 8 blocks from my first job crazily enough...So I pulled into the parking lot and kinda gagged a little cause of the anxiety.  With my attacks my left side will hurt really bad and I'll gag sometimes too if its really bad...So I took 1/2 tablet of my lorazepam and then walked inside and purchased a new digital camera that I wanted and then went into the bosses office and told him about me quitting...No problems after I took the lorazepam and got inside as I knew would happen....Then the rest of the day was kinda easy but at 4:20 my boss at my main job said he needed me to run to Sam's and get a pallet of oil...no big deal right??? I mean I've driven there and picked up orders before....Just not on days when the anxiety is a problem...Sam's is about 1/2 to 3/4 of a mile farther down the road from my second job...same road just a little further out...not a big deal I mean c'mon its not like I'm driving 10 or 15 miles...its only less than 1...but here comes anxiety...I force it back to the back of my mind and get there and pull in the parking lot.  Put my lorazepam and my inhaler in my pocket (two things I do not go anywhere without) and started to walk in to the Sam's Club.  Made it through the doors and it was packed took one look at it and said "Shit I can't do it" and literally turned around and walked out the doors and back to the truck.  On the way back to the truck I said to myself "What the hell are you doing?? You are here all you have to do is go in and pay for the shipment then pull around back and have it loaded...at the most 20 minutes"...which those of y'all with attacks know can be an eternity but I turned around and started walking back towards the store and called my mom to talk to her and take my mind off the anxiety which usually helps calling her...She's home sick with laryngitis of all things so she could barely talk but she visited with me for about 15 minutes long enough for me to pay for the stuff and pull around back.  By then I had calmed down all without taking any more lorazepam!!!! OH YEAH I WAS AND AM STOKED!!!  Got the pallet loaded into the back of the truck and signed for then as I left the store I pulled out on the road from the parking lot and the top part of the order was above the truck bed but it was shrink wrapped so usually it won't go anywhere....not this time...I lost 4 cases of oil in the middle of the road...luckily none busted and one guy helped me pick it up and believe it or not no anxiety there at all!! You'd think it would really hit with losing a load and having to stop in the middle of traffic to pick it up but it didn't...drove back to the store with no problems unloaded and by then it was right at 5...so I went home and my fiancee and I drove about 19 blocks from the house (me driving) and went to Walgreens and I got my prescription that was ready and then we went and got chinese food and came home.  Have felt some slight anxiety since about 8:30 or so but none while getting the food or prescription or eating or anything...So once again I beat it for one more day...Granted I had to take lorazepam at lunch time to get into the store of my second job and tell them I was quitting but I did not have to break down and take another one at Sam's Club so that was extremely great for me!! Maybe things will start getting better and the attacks will leave me alone again like they have for the past several months....

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Ok no one needs to read this unless they really want to...this one does not concern my attacks at all I just needed a place to vent....My fiancee wants a kid but at the same time doesn't want to make love.....GREAT!!! (lots and lots of sarcasm).   I am finally ready for a child.  Attacks are kept way at bay, financially stable, have a house and am just at the place in my life where I am ready to be a father.....She obviously has different ideas about how to conceive or something....we have been trying for a while now yet last month she only let us try twice!? Really!?  that's not trying that's barely even making an effort....since that last time its been over 3.5 weeks and yet she still doesn't want to make love.  I know she has a test Tuesday and she's studying today but damn....yesterday evening I told her I loved her and wanted her yet she said not tonight and then she played on the F****** XBOX till at least 4:40 this morning then got up at 3:30 p.m.  I don't mind her playing the games or playing on it till late at night I understand she's a night owl but if she can play the games and stay up all night why in the F*** can she not go to bed with me for even 45 mins today......Its been over 3 weeks!!! C'mon I'm a guy and I love her and intimacy is a great thing....she always says she loves it and she says she wants to do it more but then she never does.......I'm just getting tired of it...I know she loves me but damn it don't say you want a child with me and then keep pushing me away when we ought to be making love in order to TRY and then get on the xbox all freakin night!!!!! shit its irritating......ok I'm through I just needed to vent a little......And of course just a little bit ago she gets dressed and leaves and goes to Wal-Mart to look for a video capture card for her computer so she can save things from her xbox game to her computer and then went and got something to eat....So she can take breaks and be gone for an hour but yet its not to be with me.....once again irritating but she does love me otherwise she woulda been gone a long time ago back when I couldn't even get over here to see her cause I lived an hour away and traveling was something I couldn't do at the time...So she loves me but she just irritates me when she does shit like that.......ok now I'm officially done

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Ok,  So its been a while since I've written and of course as things always go I end up writing alot when I'm having problems but not so much when times are good....Well lately they've been good except ever since the weather has been changing from hot to cold my attacks have kicked up a notch.  Maybe it isn't the weather maybe its just this time of year I don't know all I know is it seems like every year around this time my attacks get worse.  I am now having trouble forcing myself to drive around town.  Just last Monday evening I went to the drug store to get my refill with my fiancee and I went inside and was panicking while driving down there then inside the store.  The funny thing is that less than a year ago I was living 5 blocks from there and even now I'm only about 20 blocks from it yet I was having problems.  Of course tonight I had some when I drove to the Library...Once again only about 30 blocks or so from the house and its only about 5 stoplights maybe 6 mins trip at the most....yet I was ready to turn around but had to return my books so I called my mom and talked to her to calm myself down.  Then I came home and ate supper and after supper I climbed in the attic and installed one of the 5 new duct hoses for my a/c unit.  Had a slight attack in the attic cause where the vent is I had to lay down and crawl to get to it and after laying there trying to pull the old duct off I started having an attack cause I was in close quarters....but I made it through that fine.  Now I've had my shower and am trying to relax but I'm still really keyed up and all so I figured I'd write this...I know most won't read this cause I am long winded but for those of you who do I'd like to know if y'all seem to have more problems at certain times of the year or if you've noticed a difference.....Also and this may sound strange but has anyone else noticed if their attacks seem to come more frequently when they have gas??  Sounds gross and embarrassing I know but its true...when I seem to have gas if I can't release through burps or otherwise my chest feels tight and I start feeling the onset of an attack but if I start burping or something it seems that it gets easier and lighter in my chest...Just wondering if anyone else experienced that....

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Well ya'll I'm a little worried and upset about this up coming weekend.  My family reunion is this weekend and I would like to go....I used to love going and seeing all the cousins and aunts and uncles and playing games and such but this year I'm more dreading it.  I'm still having the trouble traveling and of course its in a small town in the middle of nowhere west texas...It is an hour from where I'm living in Abilene and the closest hospital to the town is 10 miles away....Very upsetting for me.  I mean I've been doing great...its just traveling is my main problem and getting out of my comfort zone and my mom is threatening to drag me over there cause this may be the last year I get to see one of my great-aunts.  I mean I would like to go its just I'm more afraid of how my body will react to the panic attack..I know what its like to have a major one and be sick for days afterwards due to lingering anxiety and nowdays I can't afford that since I now own my own home.  I mean I now have bills along with rent and the upkeep of the place etc....Jody understands and said if I have to turn back she's ok with it she understands and supports me but my mother seems to think that I just need to do it and she's been through this with me in the past its just that in the past I had to work up to going places and this time she's just gonna take me....I don't know bout that...I'm already a little edgy about it...I mean hell it took me a year and a half just to get out of my hometown and get moved to Abilene.  Granted I've accomplished a whole lot in my year and a half here in Abilene.  I have a great job a new home and just refinanced my truck for a much lower interest rate and no added payments so I have done a lot and the anxiety has been low to non existent but this is bringing it back up and I don't know if I'll be able to make it over there without a serious attack...So ya'll pray for me I'll be trying my damnedest to make it but with anxiety already showing I know it may be a deal where I go a little ways and have to turn back...I just hope my mom understands that now I have other things that have to be taken care of and I can't afford to have a major attack that lingers for days and days......

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Well its been about 4 months since I've been on here.  I guess that could be considered good.  My attacks haven't really bothered me.  Every now and then I have a flare up but its mainly if I start to go out of my little comfort zone.  I'm still working for a parts store in a town an hour east of my hometown and I did buy my own house here in town.  My fiancee and I live in it and we both like it.  Lately though I've been frustrated with her and I don't know what to do.  I love her to death but there's just some things that are aggravating.  I mean I know that I'm like the girl in our relationship.  I'm the touchy feely one and the one that always says I love you which is fine.  I'm actually ok with that cause that's just me.  But it seems like she'd rather play call of duty online on the xbox with her little friends and not spend time with me.  I know she loves me and she tells me so its just that sometimes I'd like to hold her or just the two of us play a game and she'll just play the xbox.  I even asked her one day when we had the Tiger Woods golf game if she'd play with me.  She said I want to work on my challenges so I said ok...then one of her friends got on and wanted to play her so what did she do??? Immediately she got on with him and played two rounds..I got upset and I mouthed under my breath and we kinda fought about it and she said she was trying to be a good friend cause she told him she would play him later and I said well I asked to play and she yeah and I said later and we did end up playing but it was almost like...ok what about being a good girlfriend/fiancee what about me and spending time with me.....Course I'm just venting but its grating on my nerves and I'm sure I'll blow up one day over it but maybe if I vent on here I won't...but another thing is she doesn't seem to really enjoy making love.  I mean she wants us to have kids and we have been trying but she only chooses one day during her "time" to try every now and then two times..like this last time but I mean you can't just plan it you have to keep trying not just one or two times on a certain day...and then for the rest of the month she won't make love to me at all...I mean I mention that I want her and she'll say somethin like good luck or sometime...and then it ends up being during her "time to get pregnant" before we do it again....I know when I lived in C-City we did it once a month cause that was all we could really get together and then she did watch it to make sure we wouldn't have kids but now I'm here and we have our own house and only once...and every now and then twice a month....REALLY!!?? I just think if you're in a relationship and love the other person you'd make love to them more than one or two times a month and if you didn't really feel like it you'd try and let them maybe turn you on....or there again maybe I don't know a thing....Course I think you'd make sacrifices to for the person you love...such as not as much xbox when they ask to play you...instead of continuing to play with others.....and I've mentioned maybe all her soft drinks are part of the problem with us getting pregnant and she won't cut back on them so I dunno what to do....just frustrated and needing to vent.  I love her and this I do know is she DOES LOVE ME...she just hasn't ever had to put anyone else before herself and she's trying its just frustrating from time to time and I also will admit there's a whole other great side this is just venting so ya'll don't judge cause this is one side of it; the side that is bugging me but other than those two things everything is great and it all works....but as I said I was just thinking and wanted write some things down....

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I know the title is a title from a Dixie Chicks (who personally I don't care much for) song but it fits this post.  "I've been a long time gone no I ain't had an attack since I don't know when, Long Time Gone and hope to never have one again!"  Now those of ya'll who know that song will see that I kinda changed the lyrics but it fits me.  My last post was in February.  Since then I've done a lot with very little anxiety.  Now don't get me wrong I've still had a few minor bouts but overall I'm winning this war!  I closed on my house on March 12 and moved in on the 14th.  Did all our moving got things turned on stayed in our house for the first time on the 14th and lo and behold no anxiety.  I had always wondered how I would do when I finally was out on my own just me and Jody.  I kinda feared that with no one else there I might freak out....hasn't happened.  I now live about 15 minutes from work depending on the traffic but its only 4 blocks from our other store so its not bad.  I'm right in the middle of town but its like I'm in the country.  I have my house and lot and then I have two open lots to the east of me.  In front to the north is just a business area but all kinda open and then just neighbors to the south and west.  I personally love the house we ended up getting.  I love having the two lots.  Eventually I'm going to fence them in and make one big backyard!  Also yesterday and today I mowed my own yard.  First time in 13 years or so that I've mowed.  The last time I did a yard I was wearing a dust mask and still ended up in the hospital for two days due to asthma.  So I've been leery of doing it again.  Now I am building a R/C lawnmower so that I won't have to push a mower and be right in all the dust and weeds but I actually did it yesterday afternoon and today for 4 hours before I was completely finished.  I had no trouble out of my allergies or asthma and surprisingly enough NO ANXIETY!  For those of ya'll that are new and are still really struggling if you are reading this thinking man I wish I was there I'm here to tell you there IS HOPE AND YOU CAN DO IT!!!!  If you'll look back and read some of my earlier posts you'll see how far I've come.  I'm happy and excited and look forward to everyday.  Sure I still have the occasional feeling of anxiety but I don't let it fester and grow I cut it down real quick and it goes away.  I am very proud of myself and feel like bragging on here cause this is the right place to do it.  I wish all of you the best and I hope ya'll get to this point too.  Anxiety is nowhere that I want to be and I know ya'll don't wanna be there either but this post is for all of you still struggling read back and understand I've been there but I'm also proof that you can get better NOT OVER IT BUT BETTER!  Take care everyone and I hope I can continue to say "I've been a long time gone no I ain't had anxiety since I don't know when, long time gone and I ain't having an attack again!!!

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Well today was a good day I even drove across town to a place I haven't been before.  It was almost 5:20 when we got the call to go there.  I was the only person there to take it so off I went.  On the way over there I really started feeling the panic.  I was north east of places I normally go and my heart started stuttering and had a feeling like I had something stuck in my throat and needed to throw up all at once.  It was a weird feeling but I knew I had to get to that shop and deliver the part.  So I told myself that I was around other businesses and people would be around so I would be fine so I kept my foot on the gas and kept driving.  I made it to the shop and when I got there I was shaking and felt like I would fall apart but I dropped it off and jumped back in the truck and headed back to our store.  On the way back I radioed in to tell them that I was on the way back and they said something about me actually making it so I radioed back and said "Thank You, Thank You, I know you're all impressed" it made them laugh and it helped me calm down more than I already was since I was on the way back.   I made it to another place I've not been before and survived again!! Maybe that's what its all about.  Getting out of our comfort zone and then finding our way back to normal....

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