blog about healing the panic and anxiety

 sometimes it seems like the stars have fallen out of the sky. and in a corner of the cold unfathomable universe there walks a piece of dust and water that i put my own name on. loneliness. (feeling lonely. my name is not lonely)

but within all these things there remains life and light. accepting help is the smart way. medication, yes. after many years of refusing such! sorting out the loose ends that have gathered on me. letting people back in that i have pushed away. finding things to hang onto. the way forward. letting the change take place with God. yes him!

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Wow friends. no-one posted since that last load of tripe ;-)

You are fabulous, stupendous, benicimo, benevolent, fabdabadosy and very very special.

There is not one person that i have met in this life that didnt have something to give. they might have held it back....but they still had it to give.

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I was recommended this book by a friend and have started reading it. It is about 'refreshment for the spirit day by day'. I believe that the author knows what he is talking about. It is straight to the point and even in the first few pages i know what he is saying is true.

Would be interested if anyone has read this or tried the suggestions.

The book is called 'the morning quiet time' by jack winslow.

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After recently moving into my new digs (the summer house...which ironically, is cold enough to freeze ones .....off) i have experienced some fears. i recognise the feeling (we usually do dont you think?). its never a new fear just the same old ones with different clothes on.

there is one feeling especially that always used to shake my foundations. it seems to start in the chest and back of the head and spreads dread down my arms and panic in my mind. i remember when i was a young man feeling these things i would bolt out of the door and run down the road trying to run away from it. poor bastard. the boy had little chance in those days.

i have drawn closer to him now and accept him more as me....my own. he has suffered enough and i do my best to let him live this life in the light and sunshine.

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after some more tension with my present landlord i have decided to move out sooner rather than later and am sitting here in my new place writing this to you. wow that was quick. i only rang about it yesterday!

i had to borrow some more money to pay the deposit. financial pressure does bother my thinking i must say. but over the years i have seen a change in myself. my own frailties force me into growing up. and then i end up reflecting on the present and thinking that i am more a man than i used to be.

but these thought are interspersed with some fear and anxiety about the outcomes of my decisions. its a funny thing isnt it, that part of me insists on hanging on to worry. especially when all the evidence of my life is that things will always be alright.

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on christmas day i was driving to a friends who had had a recent bereavement. the bereavement was also a good friend of mine who died quite young. i felt something building inside of me and recognised the feeling from old. once upon a time such a feeling would have driven me toward crazy things. unable as i was to even try to understand it. but this is what happened. as i drove i began to say, i love you, i love you. i said it to the feeling and i said it to God. and over time it went. i spent the day with my friends and it became history. just one part of one day. i have never fully understood what that feeling is. but as a child i knew it well. and terrorised my waking moments it did. but the time for fighting it has gone. all that did was make it worse. i think now that what it is, is the deepest loneliness, and to embrace it has been a difficult journey. but what i couldnt do then, i can do now. time, guidance and healing.

fear of its return crushed me with anxiety and indeed it did take a few hours to recover from its showing itself. but here we are today. still in munchkin city in the land of oz.

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happy christmas friends.

keep believing. keep knocking. keep asking.

onward

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good friends, brothers and sisters, what can i say! we have survived the mayan apocalypse (yawn) and now what?

you know the mayan calender never said the end of the world was coming on the 21st of this month 2012. that was the media, the prophets of doom and those with nothing better to do than look on the gloomy side of life. what the mayan's said was that for them, one age was ending and another beginning. anyway, i didnt come on here to say that, although it does have a certain message in itself-just carry on with this life regardless, when the end comes we'll certainly know about it-but until then dont worry be happy. worrying about the 'end' and the gloom only changes the moment in which we live. it is a bad habit, engrained by years of thinking that way. and years of thinking a certain way dont make it the truth.

if you want to know what the weathers doing....stick your head out of the window. dont take someone elses word for it.

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being worth it, whatever it really is (outside of a modern phrase about self and self), is about claiming this life as my own and living it with the knowledge that i am being who i can be. selling myself short usually comes from fear and low-ish self esteem. (plus being a little idle at times!!) m. scott peck said that to love oneself is to put oneself in a place where one can grow spiritually. i suppose 4 me that means allowing myself to be healed instead of fighting.but healing has consequences and duties attached. and none greater than the duty to use that healing toward good and not for personal gain only.

it also seems odd why i should struggle against being healed in order to stay the same. i can only say that it is fear of the unknown me that holds me back. to be fair as i have got older it has been easier for me to admit that i have a cynical and spiteful streak that has never left me. and so to move forward, let go, be healed, would be the smart option. and yet there are some parts of my character that i quite enjoy, even though they cause me trouble. 

but being worth it is fundamentally an attitude about myself and what i think i deserve. left to my own devices my worth is covered with feelings of anger fear and spite. but if i see that my worth is important to the world about me then those feelings change. a person can never recover alone because they are inextricably linked to those about them - the common thread of humanity. to accept this as so and to try to put a bit into this life is to find the 'it' and its worth. 

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there are some things in my life that just dont make sense to anyone else. yet these things are most profound and meaningful to me. they are hard to explain because no-one else really knows the full story of me nor the way that my being works and interacts with the world around me.

 a long time ago i was having a hard time. not really knowing where else to go i went and sat by the graveside of my old nan who had passed on some years before. as i spoke out loud about the spot that i was in i noticed something in front of me. what it was is of no importance to you here and now. but it was something that i noticed at the time and which stuck in my mind.

later that same day, in the evening, i was standing in the car park underneath a building, waiting for some help in the form of some people that i knew. when again i noticed this same thing. it was so small that no-one else would notice it. but i had already seen it once that day and here it was again.

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