Panic Survivor Members Blog

So I have been trying the positive self talk and just trying to relax while the anxiety is there.  Problem is it's there all the time!  It's exhausting!  I have a hope that eventually it will just become natural to talk it away.  But I feel that when I am in it, it's such a strong force that no matter how hard I try I can't help myself get through.  This is when I feel having this disorder is hopeless.  everyone says you have to go through these steps or keep living your life.  I have been yet i'm not that much better.  I'm better than I was nine months ago but I'm not where I want to be and feel it should be gone by now.  My doctor tells me I put to much pressure on myself and I feel I do but this whole thing is just such a mind f*&% that it's so hard to figure it out.

 I do find that when I try to give others advice it makes me feel better bc I know what I am telling them is right, whether I can follow my own advice or not!  I guess a positive is that I once again want to go out and do things but then I psych myself out by thinking i'm going to feel awful no matter what i do.  i was at a party a few weeks ago that I wanted to be at and loved the people i was with.  But about three separate occassions that night I felt anxious.  I didn't get it since I was happy to be there and wanting to have one.  Luckily I stayed through it but i was so discouraged that it happened when I should have praised myself for staying.  But i just get so upset that it keeps happening even though I want to enjoy myself.  This makes me believe this is my life which then makes me depressed and anxious.  So frustrating!

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I haven't been on this site or posted for months bc I was feeling better.  Anxiety was with me but I was doing what I needed to do and was even doing fun things from time to time.

 in the last few days I've been feeling worse.  I used to be afraid of dying now I can't stop thinking about "what if I go crazy"  I know this is part of anxiety but I fear that I may have some other disorder.  Anyone else ever feel this way? I just feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.  I think about things like what if i am sitting at work and start acting crazy and lose my mind.  What if I am not fit to live a normal life?  It scares me that I could be losing touch with reality.  I've been thinking about this for the last three days or so constantly.  I just want my life back.  I was at a party that I wanted to be at and a few times I had episodes of feeling weird and anxious.  I didn't understand it.  I was having a great time and really wanted to be there.  I didn't go home which was good.  I stayed but then the days after I can only concentrate on why that happened and what if it means I will never be able to just live.

 If anyone has any insight or experience with these thoughts I'd love to hear it...

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I have been doing fairly well lately.  Been able to go about my daily routine with little anxiety for a few weeks.  The last few days tho I feel that I am crashing again.  Sometimes it's so tiring just trying to fight everyday that I feel it builds up and then collapses.  Sometimes I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders.  I have no idea how to accept that this is the way my life is going to be.  I just want to live without thinking about it.  Without feeling fear on some level  all of the time.  I feel like I am beyond help.  Go to therapy, I am on meds, tried hypnosis etc and nothing works.  Why can't I be fixed!  I can't change my thoughts or how my body feels no matter what I do.  My mind won't let me ignore it.  I can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life.  What a terrible existence.  Hypnosis did work for a while then things just went south again.  So frustrated and side.  Feel like I am shut out from the world and just watch everyone else live a normal life.  Like I am on a different planet or something.  I just want to be part of the living!

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Hope everyone is getting by.

 Lately I have been better.  People have said all along that it's the way you think that can help and I always cast that aside and say that I cant control my thoughts.   Maybe it's bc the meds have kicked in or I'm getting sick of being anxious all the time but I have noticed a change in my thoughts and actions.  I sat in my house for six months thinking poor me and wasted that time that I will never get back.  I'm starting to realize some things about myself.  I have anxiety about dropping dead and death in general.  I believe that I truly fear death but I think I fear it more than normal bc I don't like they way my past has gone and want a do over.  I'm not going to get that do over and I'll never have the chance to be who I wanted to be back then while in college and high school.  So many regrets that I can't fix and I dwelled on all the until it literally drove me crazy!  I can't think that way anymore.  It's going to be hard but i have to realize i can't go back and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.  I also think I am scared to live bc living means time is going on and going by.  Eventually I will lose my parents and family members, friends, and then myself.  So if life goes on that means death creeps closer.  I can't escape death no matter what I do.  Getting mad at death won't stop it nor will staying home and hiding from it.  It's going to happen whether I like it or not.  Today was gorgeous out and i drove around listening to what i call nice weather music.  I even sat outside and played with my niece and nephew and it felt great.  I need to learn to look at what I have and be thankful bc in reality there is nothing negative about my life accept the anxiety.  I put in an old cd and a song from high school came on and instantly took me back.  Instead of wishing i could go back I thought to myself "I'm so glad I had that experience and had such fun times"  there were bad times but I need to be happy about the good ones and concentrate on that!  Let's see if i can keep this thinking going!

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I realized that I forgot how to live.  I don't know how to just "be".  It's like anxiety is always right next to me.  Sitting next to me on the couch, in the passenger seat of my car...always telling me to be scared.  It's been since October since I have had this again and I can't shake it.

 Sometimes I think about just throwing in the towel and accepting that this is how it's going to be bc nothing I have tried is really working.  Here's the thing:  I'm obsessed with dropping dead at any second from a heart defect or whatever.  No one can tell me this won't happen so how can I live with this?  It could happen any time and any day and it's all i think about.  It's like I am running from death constantly and it's all i focus on.  What a terrible existence.  There's nothing I can do to not be scared.  I obviously can't deal with the uncertainty.  I do have good days but it's always there.  Sometimes I can just deal with it better than other times.  There's no hope in getting over this fear since I will never know.  I  could probably deal with it better if it were just thoughts but my body feels like crap all the time.  I never feel right.  So of course that's going to feed into my obsession that something is wrong.  I can't live like this but I have no choice since there is no guarantee that nothing is going to happen.  How does everyone go about their lives without thinking about it?  How can you not think about it?  I have turned life into being about waiting for death.  I hate this.  

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Tonight I did something I wouldn't have done a month ago.  I drove to my sister's house at night while it was snowing.  I was not that bothered.  I did something that felt like the old me and it felt great.  I realized that I haven't really listened to music since this happened.  The radio is always on in the car but I am usually to distracted with my thoughts.  Tonight I dug out some old cd's and sang at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs.  It felt so good.  Although it seems little I felt like my old self for a while.  I always loved listening and singing to good tunes in the car.

I share this bc sometimes we have to let ourselves put our worries behind us for a few minutes.  Just say i'm not going to think about this for a little bit and give my mind a break.  Not that easy to do but it feels so good.  Hope everyone is well!

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Lately I feel I am just going through the motions of life.  i get up and do the things i have to do like class and work.  I'm uncomfortable the entire time and count the seconds until i can run home to safety.  I feel like it should have faded away by now.  I am starting to think this is the rest of my life.   If it is going to be like this forever there's no way I can take it.  Every couple of days I break down bc I am so tired of everything.  I am sick of waiting to die and being scared all the time.  I am functioning but not living.  No docs can seem to help me or I just may subconsciously be unwilling to change.  I can't figure it out.  There are no answers as of now.  I'm tired bc of the drugs and depression.  I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything.  I'm afraid my heart is going to randomly give out on me.  All I do is think about this daily and constantly.  It drives me nuts.  I don't know how i made it this far.  I would never hurt myself but something has to give and soon.  I feel I have no control over this.  If I did, why would I still be scared all the time.  So frustrating.

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Since Monday I have been having heart palps/flutters or whatever it is daily and multiple times a day.  Called my primary doc and she told me to seek psych treatment which pissed me off.  Even if she's right i feel it's always better to be cautious.  So i went to a new doctor who wants to do every test just to rule it out.  Perfect find for someone with anxiety!  So i had an ekg which was normal.  However, that does not bring me relief since my heart wasn't having a palp during the test so it wouldnt show that.  I even asked my cousin who is a doctor if it is reliable if it didn't get the palp.  She said no but then again if something was seriously wrong with the rhythm somewhere it would probably show.  So i'm on day five with palps and each one scares me.  Thinking the next one could kill me.  I don't know how to go on with this.  People are saying its anxiety but sometimes when I have a moment where I am not thinking about myself they will come.  I also quit smoking two weeks ago and my therapist suggested it could be nicotine withdrawal.

So here's the thing.  I can't be sure they aren't dangerous.  I have to wait til next friday to get an echocardiogram and a holter monitor.   What if it's too late by then?  My parents are upset that i am letting this scare me but i don't know how to be ok with it since dropping dead is my biggest fear.  I've had palps before here and there but never constantly for days.  So of course i think it's something bad.  I feel like my life has turned into sitting around waiting for death to come.  I sit through class and work waiting for it to happen.  I am sitting on the couch tonight waiting for it to happen.  I fear I lost the ability to live without thinking about it.  I can't even remember how i used to live without constantly thinking about my anxiety or dropping dead.  CBT doesn't work.  I'm scared this is how the rest of my life is going to be.  I can't be comfortable having constant palps.  

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Since Monday I have been having heart palps/flutters or whatever it is daily and multiple times a day.  Called my primary doc and she told me to seek psych treatment which pissed me off.  Even if she's right i feel it's always better to be cautious.  So i went to a new doctor who wants to do every test just to rule it out.  Perfect find for someone with anxiety!  So i had an ekg which was normal.  However, that does not bring me relief since my heart wasn't having a palp during the test so it wouldnt show that.  I even asked my cousin who is a doctor if it is reliable if it didn't get the palp.  She said no but then again if something was seriously wrong with the rhythm somewhere it would probably show.  So i'm on day five with palps and each one scares me.  Thinking the next one could kill me.  I don't know how to go on with this.  People are saying its anxiety but sometimes when I have a moment where I am not thinking about myself they will come.  I also quit smoking two weeks ago and my therapist suggested it could be nicotine withdrawal.

So here's the thing.  I can't be sure they aren't dangerous.  I have to wait til next friday to get an echocardiogram and a holter monitor.   What if it's too late by then?  My parents are upset that i am letting this scare me but i don't know how to be ok with it since dropping dead is my biggest fear.  I've had palps before here and there but never constantly for days.  So of course i think it's something bad.  I feel like my life has turned into sitting around waiting for death to come.  I sit through class and work waiting for it to happen.  I am sitting on the couch tonight waiting for it to happen.  I fear I lost the ability to live without thinking about it.  I can't even remember how i used to live without constantly thinking about my anxiety or dropping dead.  CBT doesn't work.  I'm scared this is how the rest of my life is going to be.  I can't be comfortable having constant palps.  

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I am losing slowly to anxiety.  My obsessions won't go away.  I started school and an internship yet it's still all i can think about.  I wanted to go to a support group tonight bc I  borrowed a book from someone there and couldn't get myself to go.  I haven't been in weeks.  I had heart flutters multiple times today so I knew I would get nothing done.  I tried to go to the meeting twice but made it half way down my street both times before deciding I didn't want to be this uncomfortable and scared for the entire drive.  I cry all the time and I am always on edge.  I don't know how much I am doing to myself or how much is improper meds and therapy.  I'm just waiting to get a heart flutter that's going to be my last.  I'm home a lone right now.  Just had one.  Scares me every time even thought I've had them for months.  Had an EKG in October which was fine and went to the doc on Friday for a check up and she thinks I have silent heartburn.  Looked up the symptoms (of course!) and heart flutters were not listed among them.  Therefore I have decided that it's something else and I completely rule out the fact that it could be just part of anxiety.  I am so scared of dropping dead that everything that happens I don't assume it's anxiety, i assume the worst.  I can't live like this anymore.  I am too scared to do anything and I don't know why i am going backwards in my progress.  I am just so convinced that there is something wrong with me and I search the internet all the time (which i know is bad) and try to figure it out.  I want answers.  I don't trust that my doc thoroughly looked at the EKG and that she didn't take my complaints seriously.  I feel I was written off bc I have anxiety.  I can't relax.  My parents won't take me to the ER bc they think (or know) i'm just anxious.  They say I can take myself which is impossible.  I feel I can't rest until I have a diagnosis for these heart flutters and i am not buying that it's anxiety.  I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  The doctors don't know either.  For some reason I am refusing to get better subconsciously maybe.  I don't know.  No one, including myself, knows how to help me bc they all say I don't take their suggestions.  Maybe this true and due to the fact that I don't believe that all I feel is all contributed to anxiety.  I feel I am going to have to end up in a home when my parents are gone bc I am never going to get through this and have the confidence to live again.  I rely way too much on others to make me feel safe.  I am alone right now and I hate it.  If only the flutters would go away I could do something!  hate this.  Feel like a whiner right now but i needed to vent somewhere.

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