A day in the life of a mom with anxiety.....

I haven't been around for a while, I have taken some real hits over the course of the last few months and I have been so consumed that I feel like even coming here for help seemed senseless.  Even though I have received so much support and love from the people on this board. 

Since the middle of June I have lost my Gram, my husband was hurt badly at work, he lost his job, he left for about 10 days because of stress, and we are incomeless even to this day.

Working has been an issue for me since I developed panic disorder 5 years ago.  I suppose I do get anxious just leaving the house but feeling trapped somewhere in a job is very bad for me.  We are desperate at this point though, we have not received any sort of income in close to 6 weeks we are drowning financially.  I have had several interviews none that have turned into a job.  With the economy being what it is there are a ton of people trying to find something, unfortunately I now fall into that catergory.

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I haven't posted for a while, not because of lack of interest but more because of lack of something to say.  My anxiety is like a yo-yo some days I am really good others not so much. I have been watching people around me struggle with their own issues such as alcoholism, bi-polar, and physical medical problems wondering why I cannot be as strong as them.  What I mean by that is I have a severe and I mean severe phobia of medication.  To the point that taking an Advil or Tylenol is like being given a jail sentence for me. 

My husband's drinking is getting very bad again and his personality has changed so much over the last few months because of it.  My other family members are getting incredibly short with my anxiety and the way that I handle things in my life. In my opinion given the situations I am put in at times I handle things better than most would but that is all I do barely handle.  I don't live the way that I want to.  I want nothing more than to be able to feel independent of everyone, to feel that I can stand on my own two feet.

Right now I DO NOT feel that way, I feel like without my parents and my husband I would crumble and fall on my face.  I worry about something happening to them and what would happen to me and my girls if it did.  There was a time when I worked full time and took care of my girls and I often question how I did it, but the fact of the matter is that I did do it.  Regardless of how I got it done I still managed to succeed.

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Well last night was a crappy night, I was very much on edge all evening.  My heart was fluttering like crazy I really would do anything for that one symptom to go away.  There is nothing that scares me more!!  It is actually doing it right now and I am always worried about it.  I have to make a doctors appointment tomorrow so I am going to bring it up with the doctor when I see her.  If there is a way to make it stop of at least ease up I would love to know.  I know that I have had it happen a million times but I always wonder if this next one is the one that will kill me.

Today is Mother's Day and I should be happy and celebrating not worried about my heart.  I have noticed that on holidays I always stress thinking if something happened to me today it would forever ruin it for my kids forever.   I want to learn acceptance with this disorder. I mean most days I have it and I take it for what it is  but then there are days like yesterday and today that well it just won't let up.

Alright well I am rambling now so I suppose I will go now.  Happy Mother's Day to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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April 27th was my five year anniversary of my very first panic attack.  I was going to write that day but instead I have taken each day since as time to reflect on the last five years and all of the things that have happened and that  I have done.

There have been many accomplishments and failures along the way.  Each day seems to bring some new dynamic to this disorder and what it means to live with it.  Through all the bad there has been good that has shown through.  There are still days that I feel as if I am new to this and have no way to cope, however most days I get through just fine. 

I have done it all over the last five years medication, meditation, hospital visits, hiding in my home, and living life to the fullest almost panic free.  Through it all I have somehow always managed to survive and learn from it. I have lived through births, deaths, marriages, divorces, confrontation, times of joy and everything in between.

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Dear Smothering Feeling,

First I would like to say thanks for stopping by but you can leave at anytime.  For whatever reason you have decided to pay me a visit today.  Sure there has been a lot going on in my life but I could do without your company. In fact I am so positive that I could without your company that I hereby declare you are no longer welcome in my lungs.  I enjoy taking full breaths of air and my body not saying Oh Hell No we need a little more. So please go away and bother someone else as we currently have a no vacancy policy in my lungs.

 Sincerely, Momoftwins2's lungs

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My fathers has been hospitalized since Tuesday afternoon, I have had to face a number of my own fears this week.  Some of them have been successes some of them have been failures.  So here is the story I have been waiting to blog for days because it has been hard to get my thoughts together but I think that I am finally ready to get all these feelings out.

On Tuesday morning I had to take my father to a clinic in the area to get a routine stomach scope.  This is something that we do every three years to make sure that the digestive problems that he has are not getting worse.  After waiting much longer than we were supposed to he was finally called back for the procedure.  I went back out to my car so that I could find a Wi Fi signal for my laptop so that I could work on my homework while he was getting his procedure done.  Within 15 minutes EVERYTHING changed for me!!

A nurse came out of the building telling me I needed to come in immediately there was problem.  When they hooked my father up to the monitor they found an arrythmia with is heart.  I instantly panicked!!  It was like every fear I have for myself coming true but in my fathers body.  He was then sent to the closest hospital where they began monitoring him closely.  After a few minutes they sent in a doctor who told us they were going to administer a drug to slow his heart down because his heart rate was up too high.  They asked me to leave the room because there were a few other things they wanted to check but he had to be naked for them to do so.  

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I've stopped by and read a few entries but I haven't posted.  I have been trying to avoid thinking about my issues. It gets to be overwhelming for me so sometimes my only release is just to ignore they are there.  Not to fight against them just give in and pretend that life isn't as hard as it seems sometimes.

Usually when I am in the midst of all this ignoring I forget that this is a daily struggle.  I push through regardless of how I feel and take the who gives a crap if I die attitude.  Strangely enough those are the days when I feel like me again.  When I don't allow the what ifs to control all of my thoughts and actions. 

Today however I am having a terrible time with the who cares attitude.  The heart flutters are back in a very alarming way.  I started a new job working from home last week that is proving to be more of a challenge than I originally anticipated.  I always thought that working from home would allow me to feel a little more at ease than I did working outside of my house but I still have the same issues regardless.  Sure I have the added benefit of working in my living room in my PJs from laptop but I am wondering if I am doing myself a disservice by not forcing myself to go out to a traditional brick and mortar job. 

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1) I've decided that just because I suffer from panic and anxiety that doesn't make me less of a person.  In fact I am a way more sensitive person to myself and those around me because of it.

 2) I've decided to see the light at the end of the tunnel even when it isn't visible to me.  I will imagine it being there if I have to because that light is the motivation that I need to keep going through all of the darkness.

3) I've decided that I have to accept that there are things that just truly are out of my control and always will be. I cannot have it all my way regardless of how much I dwell on it.

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Things seem to be getting worse instead of better.  The bad days are out numbering the good anymore.  I am not sure what brought about this change I am not doing anything different. It seems like since I quit my job to stay home with my girls I have been progressively going down hill.  I went out to lunch with my mom today and had a heart flutter so after we were finished eating I went home immediately.  After being home for a little while I decided to go to the store to get some groceries and I needed to pick up a few things for a puppy that I found yesterday.  My daughters and I got to the store and the panic totally kicked in.  Instead of fighting through it like I used to I gave in and rushed out of there to my car. 

I decided that I wasn't going to let it be a total failure so I drove around for about a half hour in my own neighborhood making sure that I could be home in a few moments if I needed to.  I wanted to push myself but I just couldn't with my daughters with me at that store. So for me driving around for a bit made me feel a little less like a failure.  I kept thinking IF there really was something wrong with me this time they would be standing there freaking out because something happened to their mommy in a store full of people they don't know. 

I hate where I am headed!! Last night I felt like I used to feel when the panic first started.  So much anticipatory anxiety.  I knew what it was I was completely aware of what was happening but it was still there.  No matter what techniques I pulled out of my hat the panic kept winning.

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Dear Unnamed School District my children attend,

As we both know kindergarten registration is approaching rather quickly. I have made all necessary appointments so that we are all ready for the fun completely miserable day that I am going to spend at the elementary school.  Why my child has to be able to stand on one foot juggling oranges while singing the national anthem and giving you the square root of 98609928 okay that's a little exaggerated but not by much  to get into kindergarten I will never truly understand.  I am sure that you as well as the State of Pennsylvania have their reasons for these measures being taken but to be honest I really really hate them.  What you need to understand is that although I feel my children are bright  I am biased as I am their mother you however seem to think that  to be able to attend kindergarten there has to be this prerequesite that they are able to do all the things they are supposed to be learning there.   I am really starting to question the whole purpose of them attending school if all things should be learned before the age of 5. Perhaps you could consider cutting them a break since they are obviously just children  only 5 years old.

Not looking forward to registration day, 

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