Just Another Day

I was a brave soul earlier this year to move into an apt. I didn't foresee the cost of what it would do to me emotionally. I felt detached from my new surroundings as if I were a visitor waiting to go home, to the home I'd lived in for over 20 years. The panic attacks took a pounding on me. There were two times that I felt like I didn't exist and could not get grounded. Those were the times that my mother talked me back to reality. I've had to see my doctor on a monthly basis instead of the usual 3 month interval. In April, my doctor suggested I begin working on building my nest. I had been here for over a month with boxes unpacked and nothing hanging up. That day I hung up a clock and one picture in the kitchen. Until this past weekend, I wouldn't even talk about getting a couch for the livingroom. Now it is filled and looks nice with a normal furniture arrangement.

Well, when my daughter began school, I started a 12 year memory frame of her school pictures each year. She graduates this week. I haven't filled in the last picture or put any of her senior pictures in frames to display. I'm hoping to be ready to do that soon. I bought all the decorations for a graduation party. Just haven't pulled it all together yet.

I have been on crying jags about the move and the graduation. I don't like my older kids to tell me I couldn't handle the home I had before, etc. When it was my idea that it was a good idea to move on, I did have a relapse with my panic disorder, but I'm beginning to move forward. 

Comment (3)

A while back I began to feel myself slipping into a depression and the miserable feelings that go with that. I had some crying bouts, but I think it was cleansing at the time and I have moved away from that now. The other day I thought a hair cut would be uplifting, and you know stylists love to talk. I had a very sweet girl cutting my hair, and I told her I hadn't been feeling well. I talked as she cut and listened and shared her bits of wisdom, and I began to climb out of my pit of despair as I looked in the mirror when she was finished.

I mentioned in my last post that I wanted a vacation or at least a haircut, and I finally went and did at least one thing that was manageable. I also began listening to podcasts from my church and enjoying them very much. Our pastor is a gifted speaker and very easy to listen to, and at times so funny. I am not attending the worship services like I used to. My panic and agoraphobia used to be my main problem, but now I've bundled the package with chronic arthritis pain and back spasms. My mobility worries me. My back gives out before I have finished the things I had wanted to do. Anyway, I crochet and listen to the podcasts and enjoy every minute of it.

Lisa

Comment (4) Read More...

So, I wore a new red shirt and my jingle bell earrings to bolster my confidence at the eye exam yesterday, where I had my eyes dilated and pictures in bright white lights taken next to my eyes. I made it thru all that, and had even brought my sunglasses to wear afterward.

My next dr's appointment was about 30 minutes later at the pain center I go to for my arthritis and chronic back problems. I started to melt down. Every sound and person and a movie playing in the waiting room bothered me to no end. I was still in my sunglasses, but I started crying. I had my friend with me, who was my driver. I just cried quietly. I think I had to release the tension and cleanse my eyes. I also had taken a severe headache and had an upset stomach. When my name was called to go in the office, the ladies working there were very sweet and kind to me. The nurse practioner turned the lights off and talked to me as she looked at her computer. The routine is to tell what your pain scale is, and I said I'm a mess right now and don't have a pain scale number. That was OK.

After two appointments in one day, I was exhausted. Still I wanted to look around and try to get into a better mood. We went to a $1 jewelry store that's full of hair bows, hair clips, earrings, etc., all for $1.00    After that we went to Hobby Lobby and I cruised every aisle there. I was ready to take over driving after that, and drove my friend home.

Comment (3) Read More...

It's a pure task for me to go get an eye exam. In fact, I had broken glasses that I never took in to be repaired. So, I had an appt. the other day. I thought it would be routine, and then the doctor spotted in my eyes that I was developing glaucoma. Crap! So I have another appt. to have my eyes dialated. I'm trying not to think about it, least I go crazy! This whole ordeal pushes all my buttons about control. Sheesh. So, my old glasses were fixed and I have a new pair ordered. What next, I do not know.

Comment (3)

I feel better today. I released quite a bit of pain in my last blog. Today's outlook is a bit better. I have had a long, hot shower (the hot water heater had to be fixed last week with a new element)---not that I went a week without a shower. I am about to wrap a birthday present for one of my granddaughters. I hope you all are blessed today, in some way, shape, or form. If you are like me, I overlook my blessings.

Lisa 

Comment (1)

I haven't been out on a Saturday in a long time, and I wore a tacky flannel shirt that I had ordered from a catalog, and it fit me like a tent. I was ashamed to be seen in public. I don't know why I wore it out. We went to another town about 35 miles away at a strip mall, and I went into panic mode. I don't know how I made it thru those two hours of looking around. It seemed unreal at times, like a projected movie, a bad dream I was in.

Im having problems going anywhere because of my back. It begins to spasm and go out on me, to where I can't walk. I don't know how to describe it, but I get stuck. I have arthritis of the spine. Anyway, I ended up leaving Walmart in a wheelchair two weeks ago. I'm more fearful of my back going out than I am of a panic attack.

My nerves are wearing thin. I was in a car accident last month. I was going to the library and I got hit on the drivers' side toward the end of my car by a jacked up 4x4 pick up truck. The guy was all casual about it, and so was my husband who was my passenger. Note: I don't live with my husband. That's a long story in itself. When we were doing the paperwork with the police, my husband got a call that his sister was dying, and he just wanted to get everything wrapped up with the accident and get himself home. So, I took him back to my house to he could get his own vehicle and leave. (First, we continued on to the library and I got sick on the parking lot and again in the library restroom.)  He never checked on my again. His sister didn't pass away for another 5 days. I went to the ER the next day for a catscan and chest xrays. I was so sore on my right side, and my back hurt in the mid-section where I was pitched forward. I checked out alright; a mild head injury and mild chest wall bruising. I went home and stayed in bed for a few days.  I guess my feelings were hurt more than anything because my husband is so emotionally distant from me, yet he comes to my house a couple of times a week and thinks it's ok to turn on the TV and sit here at the house for hours on end entertaining himself. I get very upset and shaky if he turns on, for example, Tarzan movies, reruns of Walker, or Gunsmoke. He lives in the past with all these shows. He is 63 years old and I am 55. I tolerate him, but it is a difficult task to do. I don't rock the boat because I am partially financially dependent on him. He makes my car payment, my daughter's car payment and pays our insurance. For that, he gets to come in and act the way he does.

Comment (1) Read More...

I have never mentioned this to anyone, but I very often believe that what shirt, color of socks, even color of underwear, will determine what my day will be like. I have thought for years that what I wear could be the bad luck that would bring me a panic attack, or even death. Just thought I would unburden this.

Comment (3)

One situation I'm afraid of is going to a salon for a hair cut. It's been over a year since I had a hair cut. I just wear a ponytail and forget about it. But, last week I walked into a no appointment place and got a nice cut that looks better and feels good. :)

Also last week, since I was on a roll, I made an apppointment for a massage at the hospital fitness center I belong to. This was my first one ever. My back and shoulders feel so much better. So awesome.

I grieve over all the years, months, days, times and moments I lost to panic disorder---I remember when I wouldn't drive if it was raining! Just rain would keep me at home. 

Comment (4) Read More...

You know, I read a lot, and never thought to share some of the books that have been inspirational to me. I do like Joyce Meyer. I haven't read her latest book, but some others that were good include "Battlefield of the Mind," "The Confident Woman" and my favorite "Eat The Cookie, Buy The Shoes."

Another of my favorites is Beth Moore. I read, and re-read her book "Get Out of That Pit." The other one I read was "So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend to Us All."

What I just discovered is " 1,000 Gifts: A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are." On this one, I have the app on my phone, so I can either write or take a picture of my blessing as I become aware of it. This is something I love to do, since I am an avid journal keeper anyway, and I was intrigued to begin noticing and recording what I am grateful for from God.

Comment (1) Read More...

So, my title says it all. I had a PA last Sunday night and again tonight which is Sunday. It seemed to be triggered when I went to a picnic and demolition derby sponsored by our church at a large park in town last Saturday. I was enjoying myself and thought nothing when I went with my grandson and sat at the top of the grandstand. I had never seen (or heard!!!!!) a demo derby before. I was still determined to stick with this. Grandson and I were having fun together.

Next day, so exhausted, couldn't get out of bed. Weak all over, as if I could feel the engine roars, as if stuck to my nerves and muscles. Felt like I'd been hit and run over. It came to mind what Loves October said about hoopla.

I recovered by Wednesday to go to same grandson's ballgame. It has been a great season. He is 12 and growing up so fast. I actually cheered and yelled his name and clapped. In my younger days with my son, it was agony for me to sit at a game, never cheering him on. That was about 15 years ago. I think with this grandson, I have a second chance to enjoy what I missed before with my son. It won't come around again. This is it.

Comment (3) Read More...