Roses Have Thorns

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend. Mine was a mixed bag & I should blog about some disappointments I had over the weekend. I have to get my thoughts together before I do, because I don't want to fill my head with negative thoughts right now.

I do want to recommend a good documentary currently on HBO On Demand. It is about anxiety - first hand accounts of Panic Disorder by people who do have Panic Disorder. I found their descriptions of their symptoms very good and felt a kinship with all of them. If you can get your family to watch it, I think it does an excellent job of portraying what we go through everyday. 

 

Comment (3)

Most of you know that the first part of last week was hard for me. I felt like I was slipping into depression again. One morning I woke up and couldn't think about anything except how much I hated myself. I wasn't suicidal or anything - just didn't like me at all. I spent a lot of the day thinking about why I was feeling so down on myself. I realized that I still expect myself to be my version of perfect - always do all the chores that can possibly be done, before I take any time to enjoy myself. I realized that on days when I knew I wasn't going to do what I expected myself to do, I felt guilty and wouldn't allow myself to enjoy any of the day. After all you didn't do any work - you don't deserve to be happy or satisfied with yourself.

That same day, my youngest daughter sent me a cute video about "Bad Attitudes". I expected it to be funny like most of her choices are, but it was serious. The speaker made me think a lot about how damaging my negative self talk is to me and my family. I don't know why this one clicked with me when others haven't. Perhaps it was because I was trying so hard to get out of my depression. That same evening I caught myself saying negative things about myself. Finally I asked my husband and daughter to both let me know when I said negative things about myself - felt like I could use a shock collar or something to make me stop the automatic negativity .I was very surprised to see that there were way too many times in just one night that I was being negative about myself.

The next morning when I woke up and I decided I would try to spend an entire day without guilt about doing what I liked and not feel like chores had to come first. I decided to see how I felt after a day doing just the things I enjoy. I did clean up the kitchen & do some laundry, but I spent most of my day re-decorating my family room, working in the garden and reading. I made it through the entire day with just twinges of guilt.............a big step for me. I did the same thing on Friday - lots of reading (not about PA), listening to music, playing with our new kitten and more gardening.

Saturday, I slept late and finished my garden work. Unfortunately late Saturday afternoon, I moved something & put my back into severe spasms. Finally Sunday morning, I was able to get help for my back - a shot of morphine, pain pills and muscle relaxers. I hate taking the pills because now I really can't do anything - they knock me out completely, but if I don't take them I also can't move or do anything. The positive part of this is that I am not feeling guilty (maybe just a bit) about taking the pills and not trying to do all the things I usually would. My husband cooked dinner and did dishes and the world did not come to an end & he didn't hate me because I wasn't Susie Homemaker!!!

I am continuing to think positive thoughts about myself and am also working on the self imposed guilt I feel when I don't live up to my rigid standards of perfection for me.

Comment (3)

Today is another bad day. Fear of not getting any better than I am right now and loathing myself because I can't seem to do anything productive to get myself better. I have finally started laundry at 4:30 pm. I got dressed only because I don't want to endure the eye rolls I get from from my daughter, when I am still not dressed.  I am going to try to force myself to make the bed and clean up the kitchen. Yesterday I told my husband I would finish the vacuuming - now I am regretting that statement,because I am not going to do it. He won't care, but I do.

Thanks to all of you who responded to my last post. I do think I need to check in with my psychiatrist and see if I need to change medications again. I am also trying to find a new therapist. I am just afraid that I am going to have to ask my husband to go with me again. I don't want to burden him with this mess again, but I will have to.

 

Comment (4) Read More...

It has been a long time since I've written. I find it so easy to respond to other posts, but I feel as though I don't have much to write about. I do feel as though I've hit a wall and can't find a way to break it down, go around it or climb over it. I just want to find some part of normal again and don't feel like I am getting far enough, fast enough.

I am able to go out of the house when I really have to. I also managed to go out for dinner with a long time friend and our daughters, who grew up together. I make it to my appointments on my own. The bad part is that I am still having major panic attacks before I leave and sometimes even when I arrive. I had one when I saw my psychiatrist last time. She could tell I was having it and reminded me that no one ever died from a panic attack. At that time, I was almost sorry to hear it, because I felt so horrible that I would have done just about anything to stop the attack. She keeps telling me the more I go out, the easier it will become. So far it hasn't worked for me.

My daughter and son-in-law visited over Memorial Day. It was wonderful to see them. I wasn't able to go out with my daughter at all though. Every time I even thought about it, I started crying. I know I disappointed her, but even with all my medications I couldn't force myself out of the house.  I am also still working on accepting that she is an adult married woman with her own responsibilities and can't spend 24/7 at our house when they visit. I get very aggravated with myself over this. I want her to be happy and do things with her husband, his family and their friends, but I always feel depressed that she can't spend more time here with us.

I have been struggling with my xanax dosage too. Recently I started to feel as though the xanax was making me tired and unmotivated. I asked my psychiatrist about cutting back on it and she said it was not a problem. I originally cut 1mg out of my morning dosage - I was taking 2mg each morning. I did fine for a few days, but started to get very dizzy so I am now trying to cut it back more slowly. I knew that cutting back could cause me a bit of anxiety for a while. I wasn't prepared for how anxious I was going to feel.  I also cut out my ambien completely, because it wasn't making me sleep and I woke up every morning with a headache.

The combination of cutting out the ambien and cutting down on xanax has really affected my sleeping. I always had problems with sleeping, but over the past couple weeks I have had more than one day of no sleep for more than 26 hours. I am back to trying trazadone again - 1/8 of a pill, so I can wake up the next day. This is making me depressed and anxious too. I am feeling like I will never get a normal night's sleep so I can live a normal day again. I am so tired of not being able to get up before noon and do something useful during the day.

I had a major panic attack today when putting groceries away. I was spilling things all over, dropping things, shaking and feeling overwhelmed. I ended up having to sit down, take a half of a xanax and then felt much better. I also found a new thing that causes me to panic this week - not what I needed at all. We had a major storm in San Antonio this week. The winds were 60-65 miles per hour, tore off the cover on our back patio, branches fell on utility lines and our electricity went out for about 4 hours. I do fine without Internet connection and TV & even phone, but it also caused all our fans and A/C to stop which made me feel trapped and unable to breath. I felt like I was in prison and finally had to go stand outside on the front porch in the middle of the thunder, lightening and wind just to breathe. Today when my husband went out, he bought me a small battery operated fan that I can use if I feel that way again. I know it will help and it did make me feel good that he recognized how bad I felt during the storm.

I realize this blog sounds whiny, but I am feeling down about the fact that it has been almost a year and I have not progressed nearly as much as I thought I would. I am better than I was, but still feel like I have so much further to go. I am very tired of feeling this way.

Thanks to all who take the time to listen. I appreciate your support.

Comment (5)

 I didn't have the best week this week. Last week went relatively well. I got out of the house and managed to complete several projects that had been hanging over my head. Then Monday came and brought an unexpected about of anxiety, panic and IBS. I still don't know why I have one good week and then follow it with one or two horrible weeks. I feel like I push myself to do "normal" things and I can do them for up to a week, then I fall apart again.

The past week did convince me that I had to make an appointment with a therapist and find some ways of coping with the up & down nature of my anxiety.  On Monday the 10th,  I will have my first appointment. I am praying I chose a good therapist.

Today I woke up early and forced myself to go out alone.  I didn't tell anyone ahead of time. I wanted an out, just in case I couldn't make it out the door. I did it though - finally got my hair cut & shopped for a couple hours. I think going alone was good because I didn't have to worry about anyone standing over me, waiting for me to make a decision. I did it on my own time and at my own pace.  This leads me to the title of my blog - I am celebrating and want to Strike Up The Band!!!

Comment (4) Read More...

I just noticed that the Discovery Health Channel has a show on Severe Anxiety this evening. I haven't seen it or read any reviews, but will be watching.  Thought I'd let everyone know in case you want to watch tonight.

Comment (2)

This is a short one to celebrate having my internet connection back & especially the San Antonio SPURS win over our arch enemies the Dallas Mavericks. Despite the Mavs valiant efforts to hurt our players, we won even with broken noses!!! I am a very happy woman tonight.

Comment (2)

I am having more than a bit of anxiety about something very minor, but it's there anyway. I decided to drop our home phone land-line, because we don't use it. We have a shared line so our dsl runs on the same shared line. In order to make the change the phone company warned me that we will lose our internet access for a few days - in phone company speak, who knows how long it will really take.  Since I am still agoraphobic, the loss will pretty much cut off my life-line to the outside world. I have become very dependent on the PS site and Face Book. It will probably be good in the end, so I can ease back on my dependence on my little computer. So for now I am saying so long, farewell.....

 

Comment (4)

I came,  I saw,  I conquered - yes I made it out of the house to Walmart.  I am glad I did. It was a rough trip, but I had a great friend with me.  I was a bit shaky getting ready to leave which is not unusual for me - had my trusty bottle of water and we were off to shop.  I had no problems getting into the store, but as I started looking for several items on my list - I found out Walmart didn't carry them anymore (what else is new?).  By the time we made it outside to look at plants, it was pouring rain and I was losing it. I just felt so pressured and confused because all the things I really wanted were unavailable and add the pouring rain, I was a mess. To top it off, we ended up with the typical grouchy speedy cashier.  By the time we made it home, my entire body was shaking. I ended up taking a xanax and calmed down.  I did conquer the getting out and shopping which was good. I am now going to have to go to three different stores to get all the items I couldn't buy at Walmart. I wish I didn't feel so pressured and spaced out when I leave the house to do something.  I don't know why I felt that way - maybe it it just lack of practice. I hope everyone had a good day - next shopping day for me is Saturday.

 

 

Comment (7) Read More...

Once again, I am blogging so I don't keep myself isolated or let my emotions stay bottled up until they explode into panic & depression. The past week to ten days have been a bit of a struggle. I have had no major anxiety attacks, but I also have not been out of my own house or yard.  I made plans to get out several times, but backed out of them.  I have been letting my automatic thoughts go to the negative and haven't even tried to leave the peace & safety of my little nest.

My daughter (Ashley) asked me to go out with her this weekend to look for new clothing for her new job and also new linens for her bedroom. I didn't do it and she didn't say too much about it. I found out later, from my other daughter, that Ashley was sad and upset because I didn't go out with her. She said she misses her Mom. I hated hearing that because I remember so well how I felt when my Mom was unable to do things she said she was going to do because she was drinking. I know I am not my Mom, but I also remember how painful it was to feel like she chose to drink over spending time with me. I don't want my girls to feel like I am wallowing in my anxiety instead of spending time with them.

I have been doing a lot of reading - especially about how I have to let myself be uncomfortable at times, so I can take back my control and not let my anxiety & agoraphobia be in control. I have not been out yet this week, but I have set some spring cleaning goals for myself. It was very hard, but I did accomplish those goals. I didn't sleep until 5am last night, but I am going to make myself accomplish my goal for today. Hoping it will make me tired enough to fall asleep tonight.

Comment (5) Read More...