Panic Survivor Members Blog

As usual we get caught up in life and that means we're caught up with....well, just living it. Do you get what i mean. Maybe not. For me that translates to hanging out, chillin, and doing everyday tasks which may includes running errands to looking for a job. For me the past couple of months has been pretty good, i mean life isn't perfect but i pefer to dwell on what i've been experiencing for the past six months--since going on externship as a medical assistant--which  is sort of living this carefree existance; however, i want a little bit more substance, you know. Like care free to me is...um...not fulfilling who you completely are, like i want some seriousness back. Like--a balancing act between the two--working; being more independent...after all i'm 24.

Ok, enough with my deep reflection on how i've been feeling and what my outlook of life has been  since the last time i've spoken to you guys.

For some good news, i graduated from Medical Assistant school in november 2012 with a G.P.A of 3.86 making me magna cum laude. It was really special day for me because i have stated before in my previous blogs that  i was really going through it on my externship. It wasn't on the surface when i was at my site but when i got home, i completely fell apart and Thank God for my parents especially my father who really listen to all my fears. Hence my user name...the other part is my favorite rock 80/90's band. Love their music. Back on topic, lol...that day really made me realize that if you're willing to face your fears head on makes fighting for your life and being happy so worth it. I never experience that type of anguish in my life. I've been depressed before but having GAD is much worser, it really plays with your mind. It makes you doubt yourself, have horrible thoughts, and fear of failure. With that being said, sharing my graduation day with the people i love the most will be a memory i will always cherrish. Happy New Years(:

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For a while now i've been at ease and i don't feel like i'm about to explode and I don't if it's the lexapro or if it's because i've been taken out of a unfamiliar enviorment that i was in  few months ago. Since then i feel like my regular ole' self and it feels good. LABOR DAY WEEKEND IS ALMOST HERE!!! YAY, lol...seriously i don't get this hype about a holiday unless it's my birthday (yes, my birthday is a holiday) or christmas, but since i'm going to a two day festival with all the hottest acts and then to top it off, a cookout on labor day then of course this girl has lots to be excited about it. I took my certification, but i didn't pass; however, i'm determined more then ever to move forward and take it again, but i'm also thinking about studying for my drivers premitt...yeah i know i'm late in the game, don't judge.  Even though my anxiety has been smooth sailing so far, my hands--not as often--still tremor and that's the most annoying thing about having GAD, for me. 

I always come here to find comfort because this blog is truly an outlet for me and i know that i'll get that understanding which so many people don't show when they're not faced with this condition. <3

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Last week was a busy and exciting one for me. I was gearing up the whole week for a big cookout/ birthday party so i was busy getting my hair done and also a mani and pedi and helping out with the party. I had a blast with my family; lots of laughs, fun, music, and of course, food.  I really enjoyed myself and that's the thing that really matters.

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I been trying to post on here for a while now, but i've been having lots of logging in issues which has hinder my weekly updates on how i'm doing. Regarding my two last post; i want to say thank you to those who comment on my blog and gave me positive feedback. Secondly, I feel a lot better since i started on lexapro--hope i spelled it right--and i finish my externship last month and i've official have been listed as a Graduate; my Graduation won't be until the fall, most likely November or December. Now i've just been studying for my certification.

 Throughout this whole entire experience i realize that fear, sadness, and feeling hopless can have such a profound effect on one's life. I fear the worst about everything for the past few month; however, i'm not out the woods yet, i still have a lot of growth to do. I'd came on here everyday during that time and i can honestly say that your stories and seeing you guys encourage one another has gotten me through everything. Also, i got the support at home which is really good but it doesn't mean they truly get it.

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This week, I went to see my doctor for an intial interview and told her everything that is (still is) on my mind. So she started me on Lexapro (hope I spelled it right), but i was told that it won't start working until two weeks later. I keep obssesing about this dream i had and now there are certain situations that I'm in that makes me feel like i've been through this before but in a dream. I keep thinking about that day and even now i'm still thinking about that dream. Everything feels like i've done this before in my dream, from being in conversations to numerous of other things. It feels like that dream is fortune teller and now i'm living it. Hell, even when i went to the doctor, i felt like i was apart of a dream that has come true. My week went sort of good, but today is woser, i'm looking for some support and understanding and i keep getting shut down. Parent's just don't understand (my will smith voice); I pray everyday, everyday i pray...that i don't do something crazy or disgusting that is 100 percent out of character. I don't want to be embarrassed, humiliated, ahamed, or tourmented.

Later on today, i'm going with my mom to look at some new houses, but i can't even be happy about that and i remember being estatic about looking for a new house.

All I want is some reassurance and peace of mind, I feel like a complete weirdo for having these thoughts. I continue to pray that nothing happens, i feel so lost and doomed. I feel soooo ignored.

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There are many mountain tops

Some reach beyond the clouds

Some stood the test of time.

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So, I'm on the verge of completing school; however, ever since I started extern, I've exaggerated on everything that could possibly go wrong and my anxiety went from being nervous and anxious sometimes to constantly worrying about the craziest things. Last weekend was so scary for me because I went from thinking about making mistakes or someone accusing me of something, to really awful thoughts about, & (oh God I can't believe I'm saying this) what if I fail. Or if I cause myself to fail by doing something really crazy. I think of these different scenarios of what may happen and the funny thing about it is--figuraly speaking--these thoughts just popped up in my head all of the sudden. This is such a weird fucking time in my life when I'm supposed to be the happiest. I fear that eventually I would lose control. This week, I had a Deja vu moment that totally freaked me out because all of the sudden it was like a flash back to a horrible event that happened in a dream of mines which I totally forgot about. I don't know how the two coincide with one another or is mind playing tricks on me. I pray everyday, and I pray that none of these thoughts become a part of reality, especially that Deja vu moment I had. It's fucking awful to wake up like this everyday, wondering about the next day and the next day and so on. This has to be the most messed up case of bad timing.  I was supposed to go to my initial interview so the doctor can give me an evaluation and start me on a plan and I was so worried/anxious about what would happen if I don't show up on extern that I suddenly went from having my regular clothes on to switching into my scrubs and immediately left the house to get my hours in. Fortunately, I have an appointment next week and I hope that I get all the answers I need. Last night was the first time I slept all the way through in the past week or so (Thanking God for that). I think it would be best if I go out, that way my mind won't be obsessing every minute of the day.

Question: If the Doctor starts you on a plan does the medication stop all of the awful thoughts and relieve the anxiousness/worry.  

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For years, I knew that there was something different about me besides my quirky personality, if you get what i mean. My earliest memory of having the shakes was when I was in my pre-teens and the first time I'd felt an overwhelming sense of uneasiness was when i was in high school during class. However, when i started college in the fall of 2006--at the age of 17---my whole world suddenly changed and i started having second thoughts about school and maybe i should take a break and just go out and work. That beats just sitting on my ass. To make a long story short, i was given an ultimatum by my mom and for a long time i held all my feelings back which led to a meltdown. I believe that if your back is up against the wall and you have no choice, then something changes with inside of you. I wrote a letter to my mom and dad explaining how i felt because i knew i needed help, but i didn't get the support, so once again how i felt was pushed to the side. Over the years, i started getting "better," but I was never the same, i never went out the house besides going to school or shopping and most of the time i needed somebody with me. I didn't leave the house for days--during summer breaks--and if i did leave the house i had to chew gum--i still do it now to this day--because that was the only thing that would keep my calm in public. Around 2008 i started to notice trembling in my hands, but i hid it because i was ashamed. It started getting worser and worser and I would also get anxious. I had my first panic attack last year before my birthday weekend. I know I don't have steady hands and i easily get nervous, so my hands would shake uncontrollably, my heart would start racing, and my mind would just be all over the place. Recently, my anxiety has reached an all time high from always thinking the worst even though each day turns out completely the opposite of what i expected it be to now having bad thoughts and thinking I'm a failure. It's keeping me up and I'm losing lot's of sleep and when  I do fall asleep I'm having the most bizarre dreams.

I guess when you have unresolved issues from the past; they come back like hell has no furry.

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