Panic Survivor Members Blog

I have severe anxiety, depression & breakdowns over trying to come to terms with the tough things in life. I admire those who are fighters. I want to have a happy, healthy life with my child. I want to live through labor & delivery of her so that I can raise her. Some people are not so fortunate & I have got to accept this. Some people have the most horrid of diseases, ailments in life, etc. just waiting to their death, but I am understanding that we have the choice to let it either break us or make us. I want to be of the few that is an influence for good in the world. To be a strong person. I am looking to make more friends. I really think this will help because I can't do this life alone. Nobody can. We need support. I like this website,  because in time of need, I know people on here will understand & support me, when I'm at my lowest point.

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I have come to the conclusion that I have two options left in my life. I either deal with PD, risk nervous breakdowns, constant panic attacks & possibility of loosing my life over health issues related to severe stress put on the body or I just opt out.

Although I am not too religious & I'm just really living to live these days, a part of  me realizes that if I just deal with PD & risk my life being not so good, at least I didn't give up. I feel that choosing to live will allow my soul, spirit, body, whatever, to grow. I believe that if I just opt out & kill myself, in the afterlife a part of me will regret it & realize that I just gave up & didn't choose to grow within my soul. I feel I will be a stronger person, if anything if I pull through this disorder & stick it out. These days I am just so confused as to what I really believe & think on some days that it really wouldn't matter. But I think we can all relate to regret & one thing that suicide would create is regret in one form or another. Whether that be in a supposed afterlife or even during the act itself, having the thought that, "oh, I just should have given my life a chance, now there's no way turning back". 

Anyway, as you can tell, I think a lot on these things. I am just at a point in my life though, where I am trying to find new purpose & just get through it all in a way that I am satisfied with. I hope to one day find this purpose I am looking for & find new meaning & reason to live. To never go back on the thought that the way out is just to kill myself & that is what life should be. 

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For a while now, I have really been trying to dissect what truly causes panic disorder. I hope to discover this not only to help myself, but eventually help others out of this hell we all experience. There are a few things I have found that may or may not be true, but on a personal level I have found are pretty close to the causes.

These are my findings:

1. Since Panic Disorder has an origin in our evolution, with the fight or flight mechanism, it's good to consider that those with PD may just have an exaggerated tendency to want to survive. This, in my opinion is due to their immediate, or prior ancestors. Something happened where someone or many people along our blood line had to face up against horrid things. Some of us may know this history. Others may not. And some of it is just due to PD being passed down from our immediate blood line from someone, like a mom or relative who also suffered from PD. 

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I have come to the conclusion that all of us who have this panic disorder or anxiety have had to really search deep within ourselves for true inner strength as opposed to someone who doesn't have these disorders. Panic attacks, I hear are the worst thing a human can experience. This makes us stronger, in then end than most other people. I hate being told front to back by people who I love that I am weak, because I have these disorders & that I just need to toughen up. If only they knew how much these disorders toughen up my soul, they would understand. You just can't tell a person & how much they go through to live life. Who are they to judge? These are VERY hard disorders and the fact that I work everyday to my ver best to overcome, shows I am fighting my way out of it. Facing your deepest fears is the toughest thing us humans have to do, I think.

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So, I was perscribed an anti-depressant for my depression, but what I've come to realize is that the cause of my depression is indeed my anxiety & panic attacks.

So, I've decided to stop the meds since they caused my anxiety to highten a ton more. They also caused a skyrocket in my blood-pressure. I've been having some withdrawls from it this past few days, but I'm willing to put up with it.

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I am now starting to have less panic attacks and more GAD. I don't know if this is good or bad. Although, I am betting that it's good and this is why: I believe that panic is waay more intense because of it's overwhelming feeling of impeding death. Yes, anxiety is anihilating, VERY unpleasant, & bothersome. However, I would say it's a step down from Panic Disorder. This is good news since it means I have now overcome most of my panic attacks.

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So, I realized that though my panics are caused by anything leading to death, sadness, pain, etc. I have come to realize that:

A. this is all a part of life, so it's important to ACCEPT it.

B. We ALL have some kind of ailment, sorrow, or disease. We AREN'T immortal. What matters most, is how we COPE with it.

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I used to be completely numb. I would push away pain, anxiety, sorrow & all of lifes emotions. I followed the edge, just to get through life. Not really LIVE it.

Then one day, I snapped. Now that I look back, it was when I started smoking tabacco. I thought my panics were brought on by smoking synthetic marajuana, but as I look back they came on when I started smoking tabacco. Now, I know the meaning of why tabacco is so sacred to the Natives. It opened my eyes & spirit to a whole new way of being. I started to feel again & began to open myself up to the world around me, not just stay trapped inside my own world of isolation & numbness. These are what the panic attacks mean to me. Each one is like a release of tension & a breakdown of my former walls. When it's all done, my spirit sees clearer vision of the world around me.

It wasn't such a bad thing, now that I look back to smoke tabacco. I only quit for health reasons of which I am glad. However, it stiumulated me onto a path of true life discovery.

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So, I have found out a few new things about my panics only because it was suggested me to keep a tracking log of the times, triggers, etc. that happen around my panics.

Anyway, I found these interesting things:

• I have 3 "Hot Zone" times of day, where I am more prone to panics. They are anytime between 1pm-3pm; 7pm-9pm; or 12am-2am.
• My triggers are mainly: fear of potential heartattack,  fear of going blind because of my eye disease & fear of going into child labor in about 4 months from now.
• My panics are more intense the day after a full day of GAD without panics.

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I had a huge panic attack last night, then a large anxiety attack this morning. I felt like they were a big road block I overcame in my journey out of panic disorder. The panic attack was very intense with uncontrollable shaking & feeling as though Iwas going to crash completely & faint/die. The anxiety attack was more drawn out and made it so I felt crippled & anxious. I woke up with severe chest pains after holding onto & going through as much stress as I did. But I reached my maximum peak in both & overcame both. The regime that will now be my saviour during times of severe panic is this, since it worked very well last night:

1. put head down on the ground or in between legs (helps blood flow get back to brain, so you won't pass out & so you can think clearer, instead of be controlled by your fight/flight instincts)

2. do four deep breaths, counting to 4 on each inhale & exhale

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