Panic Survivor Members Blog

Just over a week ago now my boyfriend and I decided to break up. I don't think it's quite hit home yet. I think I'm feeling numb, and I think I've been feeling numb for quite a long time, which was part of the problem. 

We were together for six years. He was my first everything. First boyfriend, first kiss, first boy best friend, first boy to meet my family, first boy I went on holiday with. The list goes on.  

It's hard to know whether it's my apathy that ruined things or whether I was apathetic because I knew things weren't right.  

Comment (2) Read More...

Yesterday I had the first stage of a job interview. 

 It very nearly tipped me over the edge. I'd been pressured into applying for the job by my parents, when I knew full well I wasn't ready. I'm only just scraping through these final weeks of the course, the only thing getting me through is knowing that there are only 27 days left. If it turned out that I somehow got a job and had to do this for a whole year more, I don't know what I'd do.

    I think the amount of relief at not getting a phone call to say I'd got through to the next stage has shown me that this isn't right for me.

Comment (2) Read More...

Wow, last week was tough. I let myself get in a bit of a state really. Didn't sleep properly. Didn't eat properly. Cried. 

 It wasn't good.

The thing is, I think I'm actually doing  an ok job of the course. I'm getting fairly positive feedback. I'm just really hard on myself and thrash myself over every little thing. I feel like at some point someone is going to turn round and say, "why haven't you been doing this?"

Comment (3) Read More...

I feel a huge amount of pressure to do and say the "right thing". It's a crushing, overwhelming feeling. Every now and then though, I suddenly realise that everything and anything I do is "the right thing" for me, because it comes from my mind and heart, it shouldn't matter about other people's expectations. I'm constantly searching for the "right" answer, when really I should just do what I feel is right for me. That's the right answer. Who cares what anybody else would do because if I act like them, I'm not being me. It's hard to remember that though when I'm in the midst of things and my brain is thinking, "what would be the right thing to say in response to that? What would somebody else say? Somebody else would be doing a better job of this than I am... " 

     I was seeing a hypnotherapist for a while but I found the sessions frustrating rather than helpful. I didn't feel particularly comfortable talking to the lady and it was a relief to cancel the sessions. There were a few helpful little things I've taken away with me though. For example remembering that it's not just one thing that defines a person, we are made up of lots of little quirks. I know I tend to define myself by my problem, but that's not necessarily how other people see me. 

     The next couple of months will be hard. I have my final eight week placement and then a few more days at uni...then I'll have completed my training year. Right now I'm feeling very apprehensive. The next four days are a visit week where I get to meet everybody and find out lots of information. I just need to stay positive. 

Comment (3)

   Well the New Year did not get off to a good start. Somehow I ended up in the front room...with my parents...crying. Probably tops the list of worst New Years Eve's.  In fact the whole Christmas/festive holidays has been a real trial for me. I don't know whether it's the awful, grey, rainy weather that's darkening my mood even more than usual, or whether it's just me.  

   Going to see a hypnotherapist next week, plus I start the next stage of my uni course. I think it's the waiting that's the worst part, I'm quite nervous about what the next few months holds in terms of uni and in a way I'd rather just get it started now. This weeks holiday has been a bit like torture, I've been going to bed at 3am and getting up around midday, just whiling away time doing nothing. 

     I'm reading a book at the moment called "How to stop worrying and start living". Hoping it'll help a bit.

Comment (2)

It's so maddening that when I seem to make the slightest bit of progress, a few days later or a week later something happens and I feel like I'm back to square one. 

   The fact that it doesn't seem to follow any kind of reason is even more maddening. Last night I pushed myself to go to a concert. I knew it would be a challenge, but I tried to keep myself calm. I thought I'd be fine for the car journey there. It's only an hour. I've done it loads of times before. I did it about three months ago with no problems! Got about forty minutes into it feeling reasonably ok but then BAM. 

  I also just kept thinking about the fact that if I was there with anyone other than my parents I wouldn't have been able to cope. 

Comment (1) Read More...

Been building myself back up from the other week when I completely had a melt down. I felt so down after it that I was close to losing interest in pretty much everything. My course, my friends and boyfriend, everything. 

    I can see through the fog a little better now. I still feel incredibly scared about this course and unsure about whether I'll have the confidence to complete it. I do have the odd episode though where I suddenly feel more confident and I'm able to push through the self-doubt. It's an odd feeling, and one I haven't experienced for a long, long time.  I'm starting to think it has to do with pushing myself out of my comfort zone, something I hate to do but something that I'm beginning to see is necessary to break out of the cycle. 

   This self-pity and doubt isn't constructive. The only person it's affecting is me. Nobody is holding me back, I have the potential to do ANYTHING I want, I just have to believe that I can. I'm being harsh on myself but I'm finally accepting that I need to snap out of it or I literally won't get anywhere in life. I've ordered a few self-help books on confidence, but I'm taking little steps on my own too. Just little things like trying to converse more and more with strangers/acquaintances and then NOT analysing every little thing I said or did and worrying about it.  I'm beginning to learn to act more without thinking, which is what I need to do. 

Comment (3)

    I had a complete breakdown last night. What should have been a fun evening with my other half turned into an absolute nightmare. It ended with us coming straight home before we'd even got there, with us sitting in silence apart from my sobbing the whole way back. 

    It's the first time he's seen me get into a real panic since I was honest with him about my problems, and in fact the first time ever he's seen me like that. He didn't cope very well. I didn't cope very well. I have all these thoughts flooding through my head. I'm trying hard to talk to him to try and make sense of the whole situation but I'm so awful at talking in general. Plus he's said some quite hurtful things, I think more out of confusion than cruelness. That I'm stubborn and don't listen to his suggestions intentionally. That perhaps I like it deep down (like what? having my life ruined by a debilitating anxiety?!?!). I feel like as well as constantly having to fight against my anxiety, he's now sided with my anxiety against me instead of supporting me. He says that I've just accepted that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life, and I can't come back at that with an answer because yes, I can't see a way out of this. It does feel like it will never end. I need someone to tell me it will be ok and I can get through this, not the other way round. 

       I don't even like to think about it because it means facing up to my problems, and I'm scared that they've grown too large lately. I feel depressed. Like I have no energy and it would be easier to give up trying to face them because I haven't got very far in the seven years I've been trying to beat this. And on top of that I've withdrawn into a shell of who I used to be to the point where I'm scared of pretty much everything. 

Comment (2) Read More...

I accidentally posted my last entry when I'd originally planned not to...that's why it was so brief.  So I'll update a bit more now.

    Although I have achieved a lot over the past month, I had a really tough morning today and things have been playing on my mind and getting me down all day.  

     I've been managing fine up until Monday of this week, when suddenly things got too much and panic hit me about a certain aspect of my week. I don't know why I can't make myself think rationally about this because it really hasn't been an issue so far and I know I can manage it perfectly fine (because I have been doing!)...so WHY did I nearly have a panic attack this morning and almost couldn't make it out of the door? I wound myself up into such a state that I was in tears and had an upset stomach.

Comment (2) Read More...

You wouldn't believe what I've achieved in the past month or so.

    I've started a new course which is every day of the week, nine till 5, sometimes longer. I've had to meet lots and lots of new people, and been mixed around a lot so you never really settle with the same group. 

Comment (1)