Panic Survivor Members Blog

There will always be that one person that you used to be close with. Your friendship fell apart for various reasons. Maybe you went to university or they did and you just didn’t bother to keep in touch. Maybe you started to see the other person through a different lens… or maybe you made out with their cousin and they weren’t very fond of that (at all). Regardless, they were the person you could see yourself having coffee in 20 years, chatting casually about your children and how your last gyno appointment was (awful… they are never “good”). Now, they are a distant memory and a past thought.

                I will never forget prom. You and I got ready together. We had our pre prom pictures taken at your house and your mom was screeching about how beautiful we looked and how she had never seen anyone else quite so beautiful. We looked past our dates at each other and rolled our eyes because there were about 200 other girls whose mothers had told them the exact same thing within the last hour.

                I will never forget how body conscious you were. It was something that you could never quite overcome. No matter what I told you, no matter what anyone told you, you could never fight the misconceptions you had about your body. It was really heartbreaking to watch someone so loving and beautiful suffer from something like that. You couldn’t love yourself even though everyone else loved you.

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Do you ever get sick of people telling you that everything is going to be ok?

They stand outside their own knowing and tell your how they know everything is going to be ok and how if you keep looking or keep trying that you'll have found what you're looking for. ENOUGH. It's enough that i'm struggling with these inner demons that can't just be pushed out in a certain amount of time. It is not a help when i hear this. It's painful. I have an issue of relapsing. RELAPSE is a borderline swear word for me. It gets better for a period of time and then i return to this state of darkness in which i feel as if the end is somewhere even deeper into this depression. 

3 Questions I Want to Yell At People Who Tell Me It Will Be Ok

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Where does this all lead? At this point, I do not care.

 One of my roommates is living out my dream. She got into the thesis program, she has a thesis supervisor, she is the psychology lab coordinator, and she is graduating in the research specialist designation. Of course she works incredibly hard and will continue to do so. She has this warm heart and beautiful features that make her a genuine and loving person. But she's living my dream. I am proud of her, but I am sad for myself. It's such a selfish thing to say. I would be lying so say otherwise though. You have these ideals in your head of how you want your future to turn out. In first year, I had these ambitions and goals. I wanted to do my masters in clinical psychology and concentrate on research with adolescents and then continue on to my Ph.D. All would be happy and well. Then the years go by ever so quickly and you find yourself looking back going "Where did I go wrong?". It feels like i took a wrong turn every which way  i decided to go. I went from being an honours psychology student in the research specialist program with a B to B+ average, to a general arts student with no designation with C- to C+ grades. I turned into something that I had never wanted to hear. BELOW AVERAGE. I can't say I have coped well with the depression that has come alongside all of this. I push it to the side and tell it that i'll deal with it later until it begs for attention. When the begging begins, that's when you know it has gotten to a point that you will have to begin working uphill to manage it.

I haven't felt this poorly in a long time. This depression is squeezing life out of me and giving me false beliefs. The worst part is that I believe them. "You're stupid" "You're no good" "No one likes you" "You are going no where"

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I was doing well. For two whole months, I found myself waking up to new opportunities and each day, but more importantly, a happiness I felt right down to my core. I felt unstoppable. Then this. This sudden setback that is putting me right back to the start. I've been trying to vocalize my feelings, but it feels as if no one is listening. The people who usually check in, aren't checking in. The ones who truly love me, think this is just a short phase and I need an adjustment period. The thing that someone has  yet to do is step inside my mind for 30 seconds and hear what's happening. I can give a run down:

Fear: Fear of losing talent. To FINALLY be good at something and have to throw that away

Depression: Where do i go from here? I don't have a lot left to go to. Why does it feel like no one understands me 

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There are always so many things working against us. People, grades, misconceptions, prejudice, and most of all, change. Change sometimes brings out the best, and forces in the worst.

There comes a point where acceptance becomes the forefront of reality. When you aren't good at something, do you work towards it until you become good at it? Most of us do. But what about when you can't be good at it? What happens when effort isn't enough? I think at this point, you're not giving up. It's not a failure because effort was strategically placed to become better at that particular situation. It becomes an acceptance. We are not supposed to be good at everything. And that in itself begins with maturity. The maturity begins with being able to exude confidence (not arrogance) in the items in which you excel in, and a constant willingness to learn more in the things that you are not as profoundly great at. I think a lot of the times we have a fear of the unknown. When we are not good at something, we don't know if we have the ability to be good at something, so for the most part we leave it for fear of failure. Do not be afraid of failure. It makes you stronger. I know I'm saying this all behind the keys on the computer, and that may seem to make it irrelevant for some of you. However, I can promise you that behind the screen, lies a person with the profound fear of failure, but also this person knows firsthand what its like to experience failure. 

Make this applicable anywhere. If you're afraid to spend time in public because of your agoraphobia, celebrate the small victories. Maybe you went for a walk and went into a convenience store and felt anxiety and overcame it. Congrats! You have shoved fear out of your mind for maybe even seconds at a time, and for those seconds, you gave yourself time to grow. It all makes you stronger. You have to tell yourself that there will be days of extreme difficulty and pain, but that doesn't give you a reason to give up. It gives you a reason to continue to pushing further. 

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As i sit in the library staring at the raindrops that pelt themselves against the window, i find I am brought back to last fall.  It really is the most beautiful time of the year and it I'm drawn back to all the memories that fell with the leaves. Is this the right place for me? Am i doing everything i can to benefit myself and move forward rather than drawn on the past? I do not have the answers. I have a hell of a lot more questions

When does this end, how do i leave, is this the right path for me?

Normal human contemplations that present themselves in times of need and loneliness. 

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After spending a weekend at home for thanksgiving I have concluded the following:

1) I will be happy at some point, but for right now I am not.

2) Family will love you forever

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In some ways, things are better, and in some way, things are worse. I finally have found a place i can call home. I live with three amazing girls. They really bring me a little bit closer to finding out a little bit more about myself.

I can't shake a lot of these feelings. I think mostly because there's an underlying factor that i need to get rid of first. I need to accept that some people and some situations are toxic to me. This, as easy as it may seem, has been one of the hardest things to deal with. How do you simply say goodbye to people who used to once mean so much to you? It is not a simple farewell or a temporary goodbye. This is permanent. And with permanence, comes a termination of a part of yourself that you used to once value. 

I have absolutely no idea where I am headed. It scares me to even think about it. Fear is powerful. Fear can drive you away from a goal or bring you even closer to it. The choice is inevitably up to you.

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I am in a constant argument with myself as to whether or not i am ok. It is such a loaded question.

The answer, as i know better than anyone else, is no. Why:

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It's been a little while eh? Time really does get away from us. I find myself sitting in starbucks yet again drinking an overpriced drink and complaining about it....again. Yet i'll do nothing to change it. and this is what i will be talking about today: Change

You can expect the person closest to you to disappoint you at some point in your life. But you can also expect them to surprise you. There is also that person who says that you're "best friends", when really, you only talk to this person once every 2 weeks and the only reason you know whats going on in their life is because they social network everything. 

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