Thoughts from hell...

Posted by: MissJennifers in Untagged  on  PDF


My husband just left to go to his first day of work, he's just filling out paperwork and stuff today. He's been unemployed for about 4 months and I've been with him everyday all day. So now that he's gone it's freaking me out. I'm not really used to being alone. And my anxiety is way high.

So here I am, thoughts going crazy, hating being alone, scared, anxious...sitting in my bathroom, listening to music, and having my razor blade sit next to me. Thinking of a place I could cut without him noticing or finding out. That's horrible. I shouldn't be doing this. I've had days where I just want to down my bottle of xanax and just be numb as numb can be. To feel a MOMENT of relief from this anxiety and obsessive thoughts would feel so amazing. Since I fell asleep last night, which took me about an hour 1/2 from finishing my last blog, from when I woke up this morning...anxiety. It has not let up one bit. What the hell, how can my body be in this state constantely.

Honestly, I don't think anyone knows how truly miserable I am. How often I think horrible things, how much I cry when I have a second alone. I hide the really bad emotions under the surface. Right now I'm just sitting here crying and hating myself, I would never show that in front of anyone else. Sometimes I try so hard not to cry in front of my mom or husband that my throat starts hurting so bad and sometimes a few tears escape and if anyone notices they ask if I'm crying or if my eyes are watering and of course I say 'oh I just have something in my eye, it's watering' when inside I'm screaming.

If I cut myself now and my husband finds out and he knows that I did it when he left for work he's going to be scared of leaving me because I did that. That's not fair to him, I don't want him to be stressed out. I wish I could just do it and feel the relief and have no cuts to show for it. I can't help it. It's what I know how to do to make this stop. I need this to stop so bad. It's so overwhelming not to have a second of not having anxiety or horrible thoughts.

If I didn't have anybody, no one that cared, no one to hurt, I wouldn't want to be here anymore. I wouldn't want to live this life I have created for myself. This isn't living. I just cannot stop crying uncontrollably and breathe right. My thoughts are all jumbled up, I don't know if this is even making sense.

I just put away the razor, I didn't do anything. It was so hard to do. I can't do it. Not for myself, but for everyone else. I wish I could do it for myself.

Please give me the strength I need to get through this.

Comments (3)add comment

AdiMoon said:

Jennifer, there are very dark aspects to this disorder,
and yes, many of us have walked those hellish paths.
Please understand that the mad, bad and sad thoughts you
have, no matter how dreadful, are quite common with this
condition. Yes, it is a terrible suffering, BUT it can pass.
You are going to have to make changes in your internal and
external world in order to facilitate this recovery. You
are going to take baby steps...and one day at a time...
and abandon any attachment to the razor blade as an emotional pain
reliever. It just isn't.
Read my blog, where I cover some of the things I did
to make a journey back from what was Hell for me. It's an i
integral and ongoing process. But to get yourself started
you need to somehow release a portion of the physical
tension you are feeling right now-
and then begin, slowly, slowly, programming
positive thoughts into your mindstream DAILY. Start your
morning with an affirmation you repeat several times, aloud,
such as 'I believe I can do all things through God
who strengthens me..' Repeat this several times during the day as well
Stay away from caffeine and refined carbohydrates.
Drink enough water. Take a high strength Vitamin B and
Omega 3 supplement (Both these feed a starved nervous system).
Exercise even if its only going up and down the stairs.
And, because things seem to be at a particularly
distressing peak for you, please take some COUNSEL (GP, friend,
psychologist, whichever)
There is a way out of the deep dark forest. The way is not
always easy, but it definitely exists. What you describe is familiar
to us all. It is not more extreme. Be Hopeful. Love YOURSELF.
November 17, 2011
Votes: +2

ceejay said:

It's really good that you feel some relief in writing, I encourage you to keep doing that. But also, you must reach out to someone professional. There are many paths out of this darkness and pain you are feeling. Get some help to make that journey. You do not have to do it alone.
November 17, 2011
Votes: +2

Danica said:

You can do this! and ceejay is right, find some professional help. Its the only way I'm keeping my head up above water. I know whats its like to want to just feel numb, to make the that awful feeling just go away but there are other ways. I have a psychiatric service dog (PSD) that helps with my panic disorder with agoraphobia, and provides great companionship. Try getting a puppy for when your hubby is away. It will help will the loneliness and provide a positive alternative to the razor. They teach you how to love yourself by showing you unconditional love. My thoughts are with you.
November 23, 2011
Votes: +0

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