How is it possible to still have anxiety this entire time. I did get to sleep for about 4 hours. Woke up about 2 hours ago and the instant I woke up had anxiety. My body feels like its going to crash from the stress I have. I keep having to gasp for a breath. All these irrational thoughts are driving me insane, and I say irrational because I know they are on a certain level, but I cannot get my mind to really believe they are irrational. I do such weird things...I have to have my bathroom door wide open, the TV has to be on, certain things have to be in a certain place, I have to lay a certain way when going to bed, when in the car with my husband he has to be in the right lane at all times, I have to keep the window cracked open in the car even if its in the negatives. These are just SOME of the things I do and if I don't do them I think something bad is going to happen. That's the first time I ever admitted that I do stuff like that. It's embarrasing...
My mom just came home and brought me some food, but I can't even eat anything because of the anxiety. I want to go in there and tell her how horrible I've been doing. But I mean, what can she really do? I'll feel vunerable that she knows how I feel and she'll feel helpless that she can't help me. My husband went to his mom's house but he will also be home soon. I just want to tell someone to please please help me, that I can't take this anymore, I can't do it alone. Bringing me back to the thought of no one can really do anything. I love them so much and I don't want them worrying. Oh, and this morning my husband was talking to me and he didn't know I had anxiety. We are trying to have a conversation and because of the anxiety I couldn't even speak. I noticed that I haven't been talking much the past couple days because of it. I don't know if it's a comfort thing because talking for some reason makes me feel more anxious. So all I could really do what nod, shake my head, shrug, say "yeah", "mhm", things like that. I must seem like a total weirdo.
And on the whole cutting thing, I haven't done it. I've wanted to, Bad. I'm always thinking about it. I don't know how I have the self control right now not to do it, but somehow I do. Of course, like I said before, it's for the sake of my husband and mom, not for myself. But I know that if I went in the bathroom right now and did it I would get temporary relief. Yeah, not complete relief but SOMETHING has got to be better than this. So I've been scratching at my arm which makes me have red raised up scratch marks that last about an hour. It's something I guess, but doesn't really help too much.
I used to find comfort in my dog. This morning I grabbed her and layed in bed with her and I got scared and wanted her to leave. I had her stay with me and try to ignore those thoughts. It was really weird. She always helps in some way to pet her, cuddle with her, but this time it just freaked me out having something living being so close to me. Which brings me to my poor husband. He hugs me and I give a little hug and pull away. Or will give me a kiss and I freak out on the inside and give him a peck and pull away. Human contact is making me very uneasy lately. Even being next to someone. When he lays in bed with me it makes me nervous being so close to someone and when he goes on the end of the bed to play on his laptop I feel some relief. And I want to cuddle with him so bad and just be a good wife. I feel like I'm a horrible wife right now Oh geez, that got me to start crying. I love him more than anything and I wish I could just push through it and give him affection, but human touch terrifies me right now. Hell, my dog terrifies me right now. Oh my gosh, I sound like such a nutcase. I'm going to stop for now before I sound even more weird. Anxiety is still going very strong and making me weak, physically and mentally. Don't know how much more I can handle this.