I'm crazy.

Posted by: MissJennifers in sadrantpanicocdhelpbad day on  PDF


How is it possible to still have anxiety this entire time. I did get to sleep for about 4 hours. Woke up about 2 hours ago and the instant I woke up had anxiety. My body feels like its going to crash from the stress I have. I keep having to gasp for a breath. All these irrational thoughts are driving me insane, and I say irrational because I know they are on a certain level, but I cannot get my mind to really believe they are irrational. I do such weird things...I have to have my bathroom door wide open, the TV has to be on, certain things have to be in a certain place, I have to lay a certain way when going to bed, when in the car with my husband he has to be in the right lane at all times, I have to keep the window cracked open in the car even if its in the negatives. These are just SOME of the things I do and if I don't do them I think something bad is going to happen. That's the first time I ever admitted that I do stuff like that. It's embarrasing...

My mom just came home and brought me some food, but I can't even eat anything because of the anxiety. I want to go in there and tell her how horrible I've been doing. But I mean, what can she really do? I'll feel vunerable that she knows how I feel and she'll feel helpless that she can't help me. My husband went to his mom's house but he will also be home soon. I just want to tell someone to please please help me, that I can't take this anymore, I can't do it alone. Bringing me back to the thought of no one can really do anything. I love them so much and I don't want them worrying. Oh, and this morning my husband was talking to me and he didn't know I had anxiety. We are trying to have a conversation and because of the anxiety I couldn't even speak. I noticed that I haven't been talking much the past couple days because of it. I don't know if it's a comfort thing because talking for some reason makes me feel more anxious. So all I could really do what nod, shake my head, shrug, say "yeah", "mhm", things like that. I must seem like a total weirdo.

And on the whole cutting thing, I haven't done it. I've wanted to, Bad. I'm always thinking about it. I don't know how I have the self control right now not to do it, but somehow I do. Of course, like I said before, it's for the sake of my husband and mom, not for myself. But I know that if I went in the bathroom right now and did it I would get temporary relief. Yeah, not complete relief but SOMETHING has got to be better than this. So I've been scratching at my arm which makes me have red raised up scratch marks that last about an hour. It's something I guess, but doesn't really help too much.

I used to find comfort in my dog. This morning I grabbed her and layed in bed with her and I got scared and wanted her to leave. I had her stay with me and try to ignore those thoughts. It was really weird. She always helps in some way to pet her, cuddle with her, but this time it just freaked me out having something living being so close to me. Which brings me to my poor husband. He hugs me and I give a little hug and pull away. Or will give me a kiss and I freak out on the inside and give him a peck and pull away. Human contact is making me very uneasy lately. Even being next to someone. When he lays in bed with me it makes me nervous being so close to someone and when he goes on the end of the bed to play on his laptop I feel some relief. And I want to cuddle with him so bad and just be a good wife. I feel like I'm a horrible wife right now Oh geez, that got me to start crying. I love him more than anything and I wish I could just push through it and give him affection, but human touch terrifies me right now. Hell, my dog terrifies me right now. Oh my gosh, I sound like such a nutcase. I'm going to stop for now before I sound even more weird. Anxiety is still going very strong and making me weak, physically and mentally. Don't know how much more I can handle this.

Comments (4)add comment

Loves October said:

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? I am,so I feel very comfort-
able telling you that I hope you find one. You don't HAVE to
live this way. There is help. There are people who devote
their entire lives/careers to helping people like you and me.
Something has your feathers ruffled and it would help you
so much to get it off of your chest. Are you on medicine? If
you've already told me, forgive me, my memory isn't what it
used to be! You're very hard on yourself. I wish you could
give yourself some grace. Your family needs to know what's
going on for two reasons: It's bigger than you can handle
right now and you shouldn't have to do this by yourself. You
sound very blessed in the husband and mom areas. Reach out
to them and tell them you are suffering. GET HELP.
November 19, 2011
Votes: +2

inspired said:

I certainly agree with Loves October. I have to thank you for the well written and completely open posts you have been writing. I can literally feel the pain and the hopelessness you are feeling right now. I have been there. Of course, I thought I was doing a wonderful job of hiding it from my family because they did mention any of my "strange" behaviors to me. They were afraid to upset me even more than I seemed to be & they had no true understanding of the agony I was in.

I imagine your Mom knows something is off since she went through some of this with you before. You told your husband about your past and I am certain he can tell that your mood has changed. They are waiting for you to open up and ask for help. I imagine they are worried about you, but don't want to upset you by asking you what is going on.

You are not crazy. You have a disorder or a disease that all of us here have. If you have a heart attack, you ask for help. If you break your leg, you ask for help. This is the same thing. The only difference is that others can't see it and will never understand the pain you are in. We do understand your pain and want you to get help before it gets any worse.

Please sit down and talk to your husband & Mom and tell them how you feel. I know it took me a long time to gather my courage to tell my husband. I felt stupid and worthless as I did it --- huge drama with me shaking, crying and all the typical panic reactions. The relief I felt after sharing it with him was incredible though. No, I did feel my anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, OCD, etc. disappear, but I knew I had someone to support me in getting help. I needed it so much more than I thought I did.

Please find a psychiatrist ASAP who can help you find medications that can help you control all those horrible emotions that are racing around in your brain. When I think about my BiPolar thoughts, all I can compare them to is a child with a crayon scribbling on a piece of paper faster and faster and faster until the crayon breaks. When the crayon breaks, I fall apart and dissolve into a heap of depression. Medication and therapy can help. You can get to the point where you will wake up and not want to go back to sleep. Please let your family help you find a doctor and support you. That is what family is for - they will be relieved to know they can do something to help.

All My Best, Norell
November 19, 2011
Votes: +2

AdiMoon said:

Dear Jennifer, Norell and LovesOctober have given you some
very good advice here. Please take it. Please seek some
help and support from both family and professional sources.
The relief of speaking to someone about how you feel,
or even portions of it, will be enormous. It is almost
as if you are punishing yourself by holding it all in to
bursting point. There are possibly things that have happened
to you in your life which may be making you feel this desire
to punish yourself, but regardless, tell your dear husband,
your mother, and seek help.
As for all the strange behaviours and nasty thoughts,
they are like the many roots and branches that come from
a single plant...they all derive from the same source.
Sure, there are many manifestations, but when your anxiety
starts being treated they will all gradually melt away.
I've had to do things like hang my children's clothes on
the washing line in a certain pattern so that nothing 'bad'
would happen to them, crawl for months rather than walk
because i was sure
if I stood up my head would burst, I stayed in my house for
3 years once and never spoke to anyone besides my family.
I still can't use phones without freaking out (!!!I can't even
begin to understand that one), have believed for long times
that death is all I deserved, and so on and so forth ad
infinitum......They all stem from the same affliction. They
are like the same thought wearing different clothes.
Please understand fully you are not alone. Reach out TODAY.xxxx
November 20, 2011
Votes: +3

curtmos said:

two things
practice Vipassana and read the book "The power of now" by Eckhart Tolle and you will feel amazing. I have had serious panic attacks on and of for the last three years and now i can say that they are just a memory.
November 27, 2011
Votes: +1

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