Here I am again, 3 in the morning, can't ever sleep anymore because of my high anxiety that I get especially at night. I'm struggling to breathe. I can't lay down and lay still. I really don't understand how my body can be in this constant state of panic ALL the time. I have anxiety all through the entire day. Then it peaks and I get an attack. I've had two severe attacks today, including this one. About a half hour ago I went in the bathroom away from my sleeping husband so he wouldn't hear me and cried and cried. Had to compose myself and come back into the bedroom. He did wake up and asked me what's wrong. I can't even give him an answer to that question anymore. I want to say that it's my life. Myself. Every messed up aspect of me. I wish I could tell him everything, but I don't. I don't even write everything in this blog, it's like I am shameful of myself. So I just shrug. That's always my response. Shrug. I guess I don't really know how to verbally communicate my feelings anymore because I don't know how to put them into words when speaking. And I don't want him to think he's doing anything wrong or he is at fault for how miserable I am. But I feel so alone not having anyone know my true feelings. I try to fake it as much as possible. I think I'm pretty good at it sometimes. I really just feel like I cannot handle this anymore. The stress on my body is taking its toll on me. Constant chest pains, always have a hard time breathing...I find myself gasping for breath a lot, I'm exhausted but I can never sleep which puts me in this fog and I believe makes my anxiety worse. I feel like jumping out of my own skin or ripping at it to escape my own body.
I wish I could vent and write more, I really really need it, but my husband just got out of the shower and I don't want him knowing I'm writing...for some reason. Am I embarresed of myself with my own husband? Eh, I think anyone who truly knew me and my thoughts would be embarresed of themselves.