Awake with panic

Posted by: MissJennifers in sadrantpanicbad day on  PDF


Here I am again, 3 in the morning, can't ever sleep anymore because of my high anxiety that I get especially at night. I'm struggling to breathe. I can't lay down and lay still. I really don't understand how my body can be in this constant state of panic ALL the time. I have anxiety all through the entire day. Then it peaks and I get an attack. I've had two severe attacks today, including this one. About a half hour ago I went in the bathroom away from my sleeping husband so he wouldn't hear me and cried and cried. Had to compose myself and come back into the bedroom. He did wake up and asked me what's wrong. I can't even give him an answer to that question anymore. I want to say that it's my life. Myself. Every messed up aspect of me. I wish I could tell him everything, but I don't. I don't even write everything in this blog, it's like I am shameful of myself. So I just shrug. That's always my response. Shrug. I guess I don't really know how to verbally communicate my feelings anymore because I don't know how to put them into words when speaking. And I don't want him to think he's doing anything wrong or he is at fault for how miserable I am. But I feel so alone not having anyone know my true feelings. I try to fake it as much as possible. I think I'm pretty good at it sometimes. I really just feel like I cannot handle this anymore. The stress on my body is taking its toll on me. Constant chest pains, always have a hard time breathing...I find myself gasping for breath a lot, I'm exhausted but I can never sleep which puts me in this fog and I believe makes my anxiety worse. I feel like jumping out of my own skin or ripping at it to escape my own body.

I wish I could vent and write more, I really really need it, but my husband just got out of the shower and I don't want him knowing I'm writing...for some reason. Am I embarresed of myself with my own husband? Eh, I think anyone who truly knew me and my thoughts would be embarresed of themselves.

Comments (1)add comment

Loves October said:

I don't think you should "ashamed" of anything. You have
anxiety. Period. You haven't robbed a bank. You haven't
hurt anybody. I just hope you can find someone who can help
you get to the root of what is causing these attacks. I
would also love to hear that you got some sort of medicine
to help you to sleep. If you could talk to my husband, the
first thing he would tell you is that I HAVE to sleep. Or
else I don't think well, am nervous, and very vulnerable
to having a panic attack. Nothing you said sounds strange to
me. You just sound like a textbook case of anxiety. It's not
a character issue. I just want you to get some relief.
November 19, 2011
Votes: +3

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