Panic Survivor Members Blog

​I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen wishing my fingers could type what is inside my head.

Almost 2 weeks ago I started a slow weaning process to get off xanax. I realized that even though I feel I need this medicine, I cannot keep taking it after 8 years straight of ridiculous doses. My psychiatrist put me on 2mg/day about 4 months ago, which was the lowest I've been on in awhile. It would ONLY help with withdrawals after a month of taking it. I wouldn't even be having anxiety but would have to take a xanax to stop the withdrawal symptoms. If I had a panic attack I would have to take 2mg at a time to help with that. So I wasn't going to have enough xanax to last me until my next Dr apt. I talked to her and scheduled a week early and going to talk to her about this. 

I'm her only patient that she gives out that much xanax to because of how long I've been on it and I cannot just stop taking it cold turkey (risks of seizures and death).

Even though I have to figure a way to deal with my agoraphobia and anxiety/panic attacks eventually without xanax, I realized I cannot keep doing this. This stupid pill has a hold on me so bad. My son is 7 months old now. I don't want him growing up seeing his mom like this. He is my main motivation right now because sometimes I feel like this is impossible.

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 Yesterday I had a doctor appointment. I've never been there before so that gives me anxiety. My husband and son went with me (I don't go anywhere alone or drive). Before we left I felt the panic coming on. During the car ride there I felt it even stronger. The xanax I took before I left wasn't helping. I was thinking of taking another one but I wanted to try to control it myself before having to take more. When we got there I realized it was on the 3rd floor. That gave me even more anxiety because I need an easy way outside if I'm somewhere and have an attack. So I knew I would be stuck up on the 3rd floor with this anxiety and if I had a full blown attack I wouldn't be able to get outside quick. I filled out forms for them and the waiting room was small and very full of people. I was shaking so bad the writing on the papers looked like chicken scratch.

As I sat there trying not to be obvious to other people that I'm freaking out (it was obvious) I glanced up at the other people every so often from my phone...they were playing on their phones, reading magazines, sitting patiently and calm. The thoughts of why couldn't I be like that. Why does this have to happen to me, how I envy them being able to be so calm and not have a million panicking thoughts go through their head. I looked down again and tears started falling, I tried so hard to stop from crying. It wasn't the sobbing crying, just the tears that you can't help from coming. I tried focusing on my phone and hoping no one could notice. It was the really low feeling of thinking what my life has become. How much I wish I could enjoy life and how much I want to. I want to be able to go take my son for a walk by myself, but I won't because I'm worried that I'll get a panic attack. I want to go into a store and be able to walk around and browse through things, not having to rush inside grabbing onto the person I'm with going as fast I as I can to get out of there. I want to be able to go see a movie. Go to a restaurant with my husband and not have to do take out. For once, enjoy life. I want that so bad. I've tried to hard, SO hard. I've done therapy, CBT, exposures, inpatient in hospitals, outpatient, medication, listening to CDs to reduce stress and panic, read so many books...applied everything to my life, I'm still the same. I'm worse actually. The rest of my day was spent in a daze of depression and anxiety.

This isn't living, it's surviving day to day, hour by hour....minute to minute. And you just wonder when will this finally break you.

I look at my son and I have too much to live for to let this break my spirit. But I feel like I can't hold on to that ounce of strength I have left.

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Ugh I've been so annoyed with these daily panic attacks! They are SO bad!!! I hate leaving the house but I needed to get out before I went crazy. I did the only thing that I can handle without too much anxiety and went fishing with my husband while my mom watched Nathan. I started a vlog on youtube. I don't know if anyone would be interested in it but here is the link to it:

www.youtube.com/user/MissJenniferVlog

 Nathan will be 5 months on the 24th! Getting bigger and bigger!! I keep telling him to slow down! Where did my little baby go?! He doesn't even like being held like a baby, always wanted to sit or stand. 

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FIOJAEGOIAEOGIJAEOIFJA that's my angry I just poured my heart out in my blog and somehow the back button got clicked and I lost everything. Dammit. Okay in short because I'm not typing that out again:

1. I'm having a panic attack and it sucks sucks sucks  & building a tolerance to my xanax so I bascially am taking it only to avoid withdrawals, but I'm addicted to it. And I only have one left until about 8 more hours from now and that makes me feel uncomforable. I should of filled it yesterday. I hate being alone during one of these. My husband works a lot :(

2. Stopped seeing my therapist for now. Had a very hard session and it messed me up mentally and physically for over a week and had nightmares every night. I'm sure I will go back within a few weeks though.

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Sigh. I really hate being alone. Well, I'm not alone...I'm with Nathan. But alone to where I don't have help if I need it. It just scares me. The other day out of no where I had a horrible horrible panic attack, thankfully my husband was home. They kind of set me back when I get bad ones because I know they can happen at any given moment.

Yesterday I was still feeling pretty anxious but I pushed myself to go to the store and buy Nathan a really nice automatic swing (which he loves!). I don't think anyone has been in and out of that store so fast as I was. The whole time I was gripping my husbands hand on the verge of tears. But, I did it...and I guess that is what is important, right?

I'm alone now, been alone for 7 hours...3 more to go!

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THIS is my reason for living, my son. To go on and be strong, regardless of my anxiety, depression, etc. I'll get through this, for us. I love you.

Nathaniel born January 24, 2012

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Warning: Post may be triggering to some.

I guess I could blog and write about things until my fingers bleed, but what good would it do? Does it change anything? No, it hasn't. But since I'm seeing a new therapist now, maybe it would be a start to have somewhere to write down what I need to talk to him about and get it out somewhere other than my mind. The things that changed me as a person and made me who I am today. I don't really WANT to have to face these things, but I know if I don't, how can I get better? So I'm just going to list things, things to bring up to him at some point. Maybe do it in some type of timeline, starting from the beginning of what I can remember...because I cannot remember much.

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My husband left a little bit ago, I think he needed to get away from me...

Yesterday wasn't good. He was in a bad mood and not really talking to me that much. So I tried talking with him, trying to give more affection to him, but he was kind of just checked out. I didn't think too much of it, people have bad days. He fell asleep around 10pm, I was awake so I went on the computer and went into a depression chatroom and was on there for awhile. He woke up and I talked to him but I was still on the computer...I didn't think it was a big deal. He was watching TV, I didn't know he was mad at me.

So he let out a sigh and turned over and I asked him what was wrong. He shrugged. And I asked again. Shrug. I asked if he was mad at me. Shrug. I gave it a break for a couple minutes. Tried talking to him again, asked him are you mad at me...? He said kind of. So I asked why. Then he got upset (from his voice) and said something like I don't pay attention to him, I'm always on my laptop or phone, he feels like I'm bored of him and don't want to be with him. To be honest, I wasn't completely shocked that he said that. I only go on my laptop or phone if he's on his because I'm bored or need a distraction from anxiety. But I can understand why he would feel I'm bored. I said in my last blog I've become afraid of human contact and I haven't been comfortable talking as much. We've only been married a month 1/2, things should not be like this. And I know it's my fault and I'm sorry for that...but I don't know what to do to stop being the way I am. i feel like he's going to leave me if this continues.

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How is it possible to still have anxiety this entire time. I did get to sleep for about 4 hours. Woke up about 2 hours ago and the instant I woke up had anxiety. My body feels like its going to crash from the stress I have. I keep having to gasp for a breath. All these irrational thoughts are driving me insane, and I say irrational because I know they are on a certain level, but I cannot get my mind to really believe they are irrational. I do such weird things...I have to have my bathroom door wide open, the TV has to be on, certain things have to be in a certain place, I have to lay a certain way when going to bed, when in the car with my husband he has to be in the right lane at all times, I have to keep the window cracked open in the car even if its in the negatives. These are just SOME of the things I do and if I don't do them I think something bad is going to happen. That's the first time I ever admitted that I do stuff like that. It's embarrasing...

My mom just came home and brought me some food, but I can't even eat anything because of the anxiety. I want to go in there and tell her how horrible I've been doing. But I mean, what can she really do? I'll feel vunerable that she knows how I feel and she'll feel helpless that she can't help me. My husband went to his mom's house but he will also be home soon. I just want to tell someone to please please help me, that I can't take this anymore, I can't do it alone. Bringing me back to the thought of no one can really do anything. I love them so much and I don't want them worrying. Oh, and this morning my husband was talking to me and he didn't know I had anxiety. We are trying to have a conversation and because of the anxiety I couldn't even speak. I noticed that I haven't been talking much the past couple days because of it. I don't know if it's a comfort thing because talking for some reason makes me feel more anxious. So all I could really do what nod, shake my head, shrug, say "yeah", "mhm", things like that. I must seem like a total weirdo.

And on the whole cutting thing, I haven't done it. I've wanted to, Bad. I'm always thinking about it. I don't know how I have the self control right now not to do it, but somehow I do. Of course, like I said before, it's for the sake of my husband and mom, not for myself. But I know that if I went in the bathroom right now and did it I would get temporary relief. Yeah, not complete relief but SOMETHING has got to be better than this. So I've been scratching at my arm which makes me have red raised up scratch marks that last about an hour. It's something I guess, but doesn't really help too much.

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Here I am again, 3 in the morning, can't ever sleep anymore because of my high anxiety that I get especially at night. I'm struggling to breathe. I can't lay down and lay still. I really don't understand how my body can be in this constant state of panic ALL the time. I have anxiety all through the entire day. Then it peaks and I get an attack. I've had two severe attacks today, including this one. About a half hour ago I went in the bathroom away from my sleeping husband so he wouldn't hear me and cried and cried. Had to compose myself and come back into the bedroom. He did wake up and asked me what's wrong. I can't even give him an answer to that question anymore. I want to say that it's my life. Myself. Every messed up aspect of me. I wish I could tell him everything, but I don't. I don't even write everything in this blog, it's like I am shameful of myself. So I just shrug. That's always my response. Shrug. I guess I don't really know how to verbally communicate my feelings anymore because I don't know how to put them into words when speaking. And I don't want him to think he's doing anything wrong or he is at fault for how miserable I am. But I feel so alone not having anyone know my true feelings. I try to fake it as much as possible. I think I'm pretty good at it sometimes. I really just feel like I cannot handle this anymore. The stress on my body is taking its toll on me. Constant chest pains, always have a hard time breathing...I find myself gasping for breath a lot, I'm exhausted but I can never sleep which puts me in this fog and I believe makes my anxiety worse. I feel like jumping out of my own skin or ripping at it to escape my own body.

I wish I could vent and write more, I really really need it, but my husband just got out of the shower and I don't want him knowing I'm writing...for some reason. Am I embarresed of myself with my own husband? Eh, I think anyone who truly knew me and my thoughts would be embarresed of themselves.

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