Panic Survivor Members Blog

Ok so I decided to finally act upon one of my concerns lately, that maybe all of my anxiety problems were being caused by my thyroid because of my mothers history with her thyroid problems.  Blood tests came back and they were negative but there were two things that now have me wondering....  

 1 - I have a high allergy to dairy, which pretty much means that I'm lactosintolerant.  Normally I wouldn't get myself worked up over this but I remember reading something a year or so ago that people who are schizo are often lactose.  Anyone else remember reading anything like this that could clear this up for me?  I really stay away from WebMD as much as possible so I really don't want to go reading through articles to see if that's true because I might find something else.  

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Hey everyone, so I didn't really take it easy for new years eve and I'm not sure if that's why I'm feeling so weird now though.  All I know is that I feel really strange.  For starters, sleep last night didn't come easy.  I only got about 3-4 hours in and probably only about 4-5 in the night before as well.  One thing that really bothers me and maybe it is related to how much sleep I get, is this feeling of blankness.  I catch myself just zoning out and not really thinking or worrying about anything, just a blank stare.  Even when I talk too it sounds like I just show or demonstrate no emotion.  Gets me worried that I'm indeed someday, going to become schizophrenic.  Like this could be the early stages and then somehow I'll just get to a point where I am just a total nutjob.  Problem is too lately, that for all the lack of sleep that I have, I don't really get TIRED like I used to.  Like pre-severe anxiety I used to get really tired after work and just lay down and I'd pass right out.  Now it's like, my body is physically tired, but my mind isn't.  It's like I'm still on the go and want to keep doing things.  Really strange stuff, that and the fact that today I'm having some trouble just organizing my thoughts and focusing a bit.  Just been playing games to try and get through today, going to go try and get some sleep now and take a nap and see what happens.  Funny thing is I actually had a great night last night at my friends house, felt like I was finally letting go for the first time in awhile.  Just so weird how this has its up and downs, and how utterly crazy I believe I am at times.

 Anybody else deal with that zoning out feeling?  To the point where you really don't care or listen to conversations going on around you, its like Im just staring out into space and just there......

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Going out and being around my friends yesterday I think was just what the doctor ordered.  Granted I shouldn't have drank as much as I did and I'm paying for that this morning with this ridiculous headache (and the hangovers make the anxiety much worse), but it's not something that I haven't dealt with before.  But I took away some positive things from last night for a change, normally I just take away the negatives lately but I'm beginning to see SOME changes, and I feel like I just need to focus on those for the time being and everything might work itself out.  

 Positives

 #1 - I actulaly WANT to go out and be with my friends.  Something I can honestly say, even pre-anxiety, probably the last 2-3 years or so, I really didn't want to do.  I was definetly depressed for awhile before this anxiety and depression hit me hard, and going out and socializing wasn't really something I was doing much of the last 2-3 years.  Now I am atleast totally open to going out and just talking, meeting people, trying to better myself.  It may be out of desperation bc I know thats the way to heal, but whatever the reason, I look foward to it.

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Alright well today has been a better one so far.  I did take 2 ambiens last night to get some sleep but I definetly needed it.  I still feel a little out of it, but I'm so much better today.  This could also be because I finally got 8-9 hours of sleep last night, it could also be because I actually put in 5 hours of work today so I was able to keep myself busy.  I'm going a little stir crazy now not really knowing what to do to take up the rest of the day.  I am giong out for a couple of drinks and grabbing somethin to eat with a friend in like an hour so that will atleast keep me occupied.

Just ridiculous how it is from day to day ya know?  Another thing I struggle with a lot is loneliness.  I'm a single guy and even though I still live at home with my parents and my brothers, I really feel alone a lot.  I don't want to talk to them about this because I feel like I'm just such a nag with it and such a downer.  But then again I don't really, for the most part, feel up to just bs'ing and laughing because it doesn't feel normal.  I dont know, I'm forcing myself to go out tonight and tomorrow night with some friends so atleast being out and being social should take my mind off of me a little bit.

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Alright well I just can't seem to get out of this damn rut.  I've been avoiding and isolating myself for what seems like the last 4 years, since my surgery.  The anxiety only kicked in heavy for the last year.  I swear to god I don't even feel like I'm alive or even here anymore.  I've become this agreeable, go with the flow, doesn't care about anything guy.  My likes and my interests have just gone down the shitter.  I don't enjoy anything anymore, nothing.  The only thing I do is play call of duty all day, thats the only thing that atleast holds my attention.  And that only holds my attention not because I like it, only because I'm good at it.  I try to go out with friends and reconnect and feel that fun and care free life that I once had, I can't recapture it.  It's like it's gone.  And it feels like that with my family too, it just is what it is.

But why was I avoiding after my surgery?  Growing up I always had that stupid complex about my jaw, thinking it affected how I looked, how I smiled, how I laughed, how I talked.  And I guess it did affect these things, but not to the extreme that I would worry about.  I tried getting it fixed so many times when I was younger but couldn't get covered until I was like 21-22.  When I had the surgery it was terrible, I couldn't even breathe for a month afterwards because they had my jaw wired shut and my nasal cavity was all swollen.  I looked like a freak, my face was all swollen, and I would lock myself in my room to just hide from everyone.  I didn't even want my parents or my brothers to see me.  I would come downstairs for dinner and that was it and then go back in my room in solitude.

After getting the wires taken off I thought it was going to be awesome.  Turns out that my jaw is still off a bit and causes me discomfort still when I talk.  Which still gives me the complex that I'm worried aobut how I say certain words or certain sounds.  My lips are still kind of numb from the surgery as well, right afterwards they were really numb.  I would mumble non stop and couldn't spit out a sentence if i tried.  So there he goes again, Mike isolating himself to hide from his problems.  Regretting ever getting the surgery that I wanted because it caused me to be in the situation I was in.

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Alright well I have been unemployed now for the last 2 weeks.  The mini version story of how I got there is I felt very dishonest and bad about the job I was doing at my last job (retention at a call center selling vitamins), and I was leaving to go work at a company that claimed to be a "part" of MetLife.  After I put in the 2 weeks I had follow up interviews for this new job, only to realize that it really wasn't what I wanted.  So that's how I wound up in this situation, which I can tell you with 100% certainty, is not healthy.

I feel as if I'm slipping back to my bad spots.  I really don't get any damn pleasure out of most things anymore and I really don't want to see anyone for the most part.  I meet up with friends on the weekends for a few drinks but that's only because I know I should do it, not because I actually want to.  But at the same time, it's not that I don't like them.  I do still love all my friendsa nd I actually really feel guilty if I don't go and back out, which I have done on occassion.  I honestly don't know what to do with all these mixes of emotions, but I do know one thing, I want it to stop and want to get well.

I can't sleep again, for awhile I was getting by with taking 2 melatonin pills and going to bed for the night.  I tried that again tonight with no success, I waited 3 hours and then I just took an ambien.  I'm not comfortable mixing stuff but damnit, I need rest.  I never get it anymore.

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Was just looking at some movie clips on YouTube, if you've read a lot of my old posts you know I love these motivational speeches.  I've been using them to motivate myself to keep goin about my work and trying to move foward.  Hope this helps and motivates you guys as well

Any Given Sunday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_iKg7nutNY

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Well here we go again, fresh start all over again.  Just ended another job and now I'm looking at a potential bank teller position right now.  Hopefully I wind up getting that pretty soon so I dont have to be unemployed too long.  This is really something, never really envisioned that I'd have myself in this situation.  Never really planned on any of these idiotic problems happening to me.

But atleast for the first time ever, I'm seeing positive help from a therapist.  My first therapist ever was probably the worst one in the history of psychology.  I wouldn't recommend the guy to anybody.  The second one I had was ok, he was a psychiatrist though so he focused more on medicine then actual therapy which is what I think I need.  After coming back from my first session yesterday with my therapist I came away feeling confident that I'll be able to bounce back from this.  She reassured me that I am nowhere near bipolar or schizophrenic which yes, those concerns were starting to creep back into my head.  How could they not?  This has been a year of dealing with this crap.  She said I was definetly scoring way off the charts anxiety wise, and I am extremely self conscious.  Unfortunately we talked for like 45 minutes a lot about what's going on in my life, changes I've been making, and what exactly I'm looking to accomplish from the therapy sessions.  She said she was totally confident that I'd be able to get back to that happy and comfortable place again.  She was impressed that I've been forcing myself to do things in my current anxious state, and I told her I just don't accept losing, I hate it.  I hate feeling like a loser, so even when I get down and out I just force myself to get out and do something.  I'm definetly anxious and a little awkward more now around friends then I used to be, but I'm praying it will get better and better as time passes.  Therapist told me that I need to tone down my tough act approach a bit though and mix in a bit of acceptance and compassion for myself.  Something I've never had.  I guess it's time to start building up that skill?

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Matchbox 20 - Unwell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_TL9YFemic

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Well that's it, I tossed in the towel today.  I can't do this alone on my own anymore and just tough this out.  I need help.  I'm so wrapped up pointless worrying and annoying anger/confusion problems.  My old psychiatrist can hit the road and go on with his little practice he has running.  He wasn't willing to recommend me to someone while I had my job and couldn't make our appointments, in the 2 months of having nobody there caused me to regress down to this point where I'm at now.  So now that I am officially done working with any job, I'm done with him.

I just called up this new therapist who doesn't accept any insurance, as a last ditch effort to try and get this figured out.  I go tomorrow and the appointment is going to expensive and funds are running real low for me lately but I need to figure this out and get my head right so I can get another job and do everything right this time.  All that toughness and grit that I had for the last couple of months, I got tired of forcing myself to do it.  It freakin got me nowhere, I'm hittin one of my lows again.  Hoping this meeting tomorrow with this therapist goes well and maybe I can actually get somewhere.  Instead of my last doctor just looking at me, letting me vent, and prescribing me cymbalta.  Great practice, good therapy....fuckin joke

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