Panic Survivor Members Blog

Was just looking at some movie clips on YouTube, if you've read a lot of my old posts you know I love these motivational speeches.  I've been using them to motivate myself to keep goin about my work and trying to move foward.  Hope this helps and motivates you guys as well

Any Given Sunday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_iKg7nutNY

Comment (0) Read More...

Well here we go again, fresh start all over again.  Just ended another job and now I'm looking at a potential bank teller position right now.  Hopefully I wind up getting that pretty soon so I dont have to be unemployed too long.  This is really something, never really envisioned that I'd have myself in this situation.  Never really planned on any of these idiotic problems happening to me.

But atleast for the first time ever, I'm seeing positive help from a therapist.  My first therapist ever was probably the worst one in the history of psychology.  I wouldn't recommend the guy to anybody.  The second one I had was ok, he was a psychiatrist though so he focused more on medicine then actual therapy which is what I think I need.  After coming back from my first session yesterday with my therapist I came away feeling confident that I'll be able to bounce back from this.  She reassured me that I am nowhere near bipolar or schizophrenic which yes, those concerns were starting to creep back into my head.  How could they not?  This has been a year of dealing with this crap.  She said I was definetly scoring way off the charts anxiety wise, and I am extremely self conscious.  Unfortunately we talked for like 45 minutes a lot about what's going on in my life, changes I've been making, and what exactly I'm looking to accomplish from the therapy sessions.  She said she was totally confident that I'd be able to get back to that happy and comfortable place again.  She was impressed that I've been forcing myself to do things in my current anxious state, and I told her I just don't accept losing, I hate it.  I hate feeling like a loser, so even when I get down and out I just force myself to get out and do something.  I'm definetly anxious and a little awkward more now around friends then I used to be, but I'm praying it will get better and better as time passes.  Therapist told me that I need to tone down my tough act approach a bit though and mix in a bit of acceptance and compassion for myself.  Something I've never had.  I guess it's time to start building up that skill?

Comment (2)

Matchbox 20 - Unwell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_TL9YFemic

Comment (0)

Well that's it, I tossed in the towel today.  I can't do this alone on my own anymore and just tough this out.  I need help.  I'm so wrapped up pointless worrying and annoying anger/confusion problems.  My old psychiatrist can hit the road and go on with his little practice he has running.  He wasn't willing to recommend me to someone while I had my job and couldn't make our appointments, in the 2 months of having nobody there caused me to regress down to this point where I'm at now.  So now that I am officially done working with any job, I'm done with him.

I just called up this new therapist who doesn't accept any insurance, as a last ditch effort to try and get this figured out.  I go tomorrow and the appointment is going to expensive and funds are running real low for me lately but I need to figure this out and get my head right so I can get another job and do everything right this time.  All that toughness and grit that I had for the last couple of months, I got tired of forcing myself to do it.  It freakin got me nowhere, I'm hittin one of my lows again.  Hoping this meeting tomorrow with this therapist goes well and maybe I can actually get somewhere.  Instead of my last doctor just looking at me, letting me vent, and prescribing me cymbalta.  Great practice, good therapy....fuckin joke

Comment (3)

I keep making these different moves in my life to try and prove to myself that I can do things that I never thought I could, in an attempt to try and make this out of control and wired feeling finally leave me.  It's not working.  I'm so much more outgoing now that I ever used to be and working at new jobs and doing things that I never thought I would ever do before, going to school in manhattan and going back to school, applying and looking to get this job at this insurance company right now.

I should be excited right?  I should be so pumped up right?  How come I don't feel like that?  Ever?  I try to fake it, I try to get amped up and try to psych myself up, but it doesn't work.  I even try to do it when I'm working out, I try to tap into that strong part of me that used to be there but I don't see it anymore.  It's so hard to see that part of me anymore.

I'm thinking more and more that I'm not cut out for this kind of work, working and selling insurance to all my family and friends.  They want me to come up with a project 100 and list 100 people and their addresses and numbers and try and sell them insurance.  I honestly don't think I'm cut out for it....

Comment (4) Read More...

I cant shake this feeling of figuring that I'm a cmpletely different person lately.  I've never thought this positive ever, I've never been as outgoinga s I have been lately and it's showing great results.  I'm meeting and developing new friendships and meetin people that I normally would just not bother and just stick to myself and ignore.  I used to be such an idiot.  It is so hard to get used to this newfound confidence, but whatever I don't care I'm just going to keep this new attitude up for as long as I can.

This part of this song really sums up how I feel.

Eminem - No Love


[Verse 2 - Eminem]
"I'm alive again
More alive than I have been in my whole entire life
I can see these people's ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen, I'm a little bit sicker than most
Shit's finna get thick again
They say the competition is stiff
But I get a hard **** from this shit, now stick it in
I ain't never giving in again"

Comment (0) Read More...

In reading Drew Brees' new book I really am learning a lot about how a lot of people have to deal with their own issues and adversity.  Here was an NFL player who up until this point in his career, made his career on his right throwing arm.  And when he tore it to pieces and have to have it metal anchors inserted into his shoulder just to hold it in place, he had to start building up his strength again.  Tossing a ball 2 yards to his physical trainer everyday, and thenw orking it up to 5 yards, and then to 10 for days and days on end.  Something that seems so tedious, and something that could make almost anyone just want to quit and give up because they feel like an idiot, like there's no hope.  But that's not how winning is done.  I read this one paragraph from his new book "Coming Back Stronger" and it really made me realize how normal I really am.

I kept thinking for the longest time, damn I'm unable to focus or think clearly, my head wont stop pounding, my ears used to spasm so bad and ring for days.  I was in suuuch a bad way, and lately my mind will race out of control and I feel like Im falling right back into my old trap.  I can't sleep worth a damn anymore still as well.  But guess what, it just takes time to get better.  Time and a positive outlook can do wonders.  This quote is from the book, coming from a guy who has had to deal with a lot of adversity  both mentally, physically in his life.

"Whether you're talking in terms of the physical, the emotional, or the spiritual, healing has its own timetable.  When there is tragedy in your life--perhaps a health crisis or a death of a family member or something else that upends your world--there's a mourning period you have to go through in order to cope with it and come out on the other side healthy and mentally whole.  You have to work through the emotions and deal with the fallout."

Comment (0)

Well I have been off of these meds now for a month, and thank god.  I feel so much better about myself for being able to achieve this.  I've been continuing to battle with retarded thoughts of thinking I'm so crazy, that I'm so weird, that I'm going to fall back into my old trap.  I found a little peace and reassurement in 2 books I recently picked up that I am not so different from others out there.

These books have nothing to do with anxiety, I guess they can relate a lot to depression and how to come back from bad times.  In fact, that's really exactly what these books are about.  How when times are bad, they don't stay bad.  There are good times and there are bad times.  And these times come and go, the key is to stay grounded during both times.  Don't get too high and happy when times are good, and don't get too low and too down when times are tough.  I'm working on that now, I was thinking of quitting my job and leaving and trying to find something else, very impulsive thinking because sometimes the job really gets to me.   These books and the teachings from both of these guys (they are biographies) have really opened my eyes to how much a positive outlook can have on you.  And the BEST part about these books, is I realized, even positive people aren't positive ALL the time.  They really open up and go into detail about some of their thoughts at some of their darkest and panicked times.  Yes, even sports athletes panic, and it's very reassuring for me to read this from these two awesome sports figures and see that even they struggle at times.

Tony Dungy - Quiet Strength

Comment (3) Read More...

Ok so I have been off of the antidepressents now for 2 weeks.  I keep feeling the weirdest sensations though and I'm getting VERY frustrated.  I feel as if things are never going to turn around for me.  Like I'm never going to feel good again.  I walk around so frustrated and mad at myself for not being able to pull myself out of this.

I even feel like I don't really care what's going on around me.  In my softball game I played yesterday I really didn't feel any emotion at all the whole entire time until I hit a home run, which that excitement lasted for like a second.  I feel as if I'm just a little detached.  I don't feel like I'm here, I don't feel any sort of connection to anybody I feel like I'm totally out of it.

The good parts?  I am still able to work and to get my school work done for the most part, as well as being able to keep myself out of trouble (because I just have this retarded feeling that I'm out of control).  I really want to be able to get through this and just get back to being able to just relax soooo badly.  I bought some green tea and plan on drinking that in the morning and at night, and also starting to try and start eating a very high solutable fiber diet because I've been having digestive problems SOOO bad during this whole process.  I haven't digested my food properly in like 7-8 months, my nerves are just so on edge.  So hopefully changing this diet up and combining that with the workouts I've been doing lately could help.  I sure hope it does

Comment (1)

Ok well I've been off my meds now for 2 weeks, thank god all the dizzy spells have ended for me.  I can't help but think that I'm still crazy though.  I've kicked all my bad habits of secluding myself and have been keeping myself a lot more socially involved lately.  But I can't help but kick the feeling that this isn't me.

On top of that, my mood swings have been really insane.  I've thought about quitting this new job atleast 5-10 times a day in the last two days, I get so fed up with the damn thing.  I also had the bad episode the other night getting angry when I was drinking.  The littlest things seem to set me off, things that I used to be able to just be fine with.  On the other note, I see my feelings coming back slowly but surely.  And the confidence in my thoughts is coming back as well.  Weird to admit this I know, but while I was on these meds i felt numb and would just go with the flow.  Now I atleast feel like I'm able to make decisions for myself.

Any survivors out there deal with this when they first came off their meds?  These mood swings are scaring the crap out of me, I seriously feel like I'm gonna snap at times.  Thank god I just keep myself in check and remind myself it's just  a short burst of anger that idk even know where it comes from.  I never used to have this.  I keep controlling it and working out everyday but I can't shake this damn anger and feeling of unreality sometimes.  Hopefully this could just be a side effect of the cymbalta leaving my system?

Comment (4) Read More...