Panic Survivor Members Blog

 Hi everyone... well its been over a month again at least.. big changes... so I was starting to settle down then my daughters dad dropped the big one. He is moving to Ontario.... he told me a week ago and is leaving in a week exactly. Going to live with a girl hes in LOVE..

 So of course I went into pretty heavy anxiety.... even had a panic attack last Saturday.. its all about my daughter will be with me alone.. and I will have no safety person here. BUT I was settling down quite well until he told me. It has been a week now that I know but I am so scared if i will be ok.. he offered to take her with him but I dont want that at all. I am looking for some positive feedback.. LIE TO ME LOL .. Im calming down a bit today was better but the anxiety came back hard this week... thinking wierd... intrusive thoughts etc.

 I hope I can do this... I am scared really scared.. oh I started the gym too...

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Hi.. everyone, think its been almost two months.. so here is a update. I have my daughter home now regularly..she is with me mon-friday as per usual before the breakdown. I am starting to work more, picked up  a few jobs. I am off the clonazapam but still on the citraplex.

I still struggle with anxiety, not very many panic attacks at all, but Ifeel keyed up most the time still... hope all is well

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 Hey all, its Melanie here, been a while again but I have some good news.. first of all I finally had my daughter back for the night last night!!! My visits went from one hour to about 8  hours and I finally had her sleep over.. was a long hard road but I made it there. I am hoping now to be back on regular schedule within a few weeks.. her with me during the week and at her dads weekends.

I am starting to work more too, I have my own house cleaning business and am back picking up more jobs.... everything is a bit overwhelming after not doing much of anything (besides freaking out LOL) all the time but it is a adjustment getting back to normal life and I realize that.

I am also in a panic disorder group. I started three weeks ago. It is cool because the guy who runs it really has a heart for it. It is the first group I have been in or have found that deals specifically with this disorder. I have a hard time going to the group though lol he challenges us... he wants to make us not be afraid of feeling panicy.. for example he is going to put us in situations that cause us to panic.. one class he got us to hyperventilate so we got that wierd feeling... ya I didnt like that too much..lol it was actually scary and I almost cried.. but I do not want this disorder to beat me down anymore so I am going to keep going no matter how uncomfortable I get.

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Hi everyone its Melanie here... well how am I doing? Am I cured yet? LOL Anyway I am doing for the most part alot better. Daughter is still not home overnight yet BUT I am picking her up from daycare about four times a week at noon and dropping her off at daycare or my ex's dads around five ALL BY MYSELF. It is becoming more normal to be around her although I have had a few challenging days. I also usually see her on the weekend. Her dad is moving  way closer this week, I am honestly hoping she will be home within a few weeks.

The anxiety is alot less.. although I still have some fear sometimes and anxious feelings. Up and down days, but compared to before way better. I am supposed to up my Lexapro to twenty from fifteen and of course that hasnt happened yet.. still a little wierd  with the pill thing. Going to try and do it tomorrow. Down from four crumbs to three... .25 clonazapam. I know it is a teeny bit but I even tried to go to two, wasnt good.

I am working a bit and looking for more work, life is becoming busy again and that is in all honesty a bit of a adjustment. I got used to having alot of time on my hands and now Im busy with work and seeing my daughter alot even though its not overnight yet. So feeling tired and a teeny overwhelmed heading back to my normal life.

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Hi all its Melanie, well I havent blogged on here almost a week.. does this mean I am getting better???? LOL Anyway I am still taking 15mg Lexapro everyday now for over a week so that is good ... YAY for me...still taking about .25 of clonazapam a day in four crumbs.

I think the anxiety is getting better.. I still have it, but I think the periods are getting less. Like I still can go into the fear and anxiousness but it usually passes after a while. Like right now I have it a bit but just try and relax and realize it will pass.

I still dont have my daughter home.  I am truly trying to have faith in God with this. I saw her for four hours a few days ago and also today picked her up at her dads and took her to park for a hour. I still seem to have alot of anxiety and fear around that but am just trying to trust the process. The good thing is that her dad is moving closer at the end of this month so instead of being on the other side of town he will be ten minute drive away. Its like I have developed a phobia being around her alone, fear of the panic attack even though I am rarely getting them.. I think this will pass and am having faith it will and to just keep trucking along. It is gone on longer then I like thats for sure and it breaks my heart every visit but I am a fighter and eventually between me , god , medication will defeat this.

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Hey its Melanie. Well for the most part I have been improving. I am still getting fearful moments at times, and feel the fear but am coping with life ok. Still some fear like I said and moments of anxiety.

 I still dont have my daughter back.. I had her over for a little over four hours today..and then she got picked up. Of course I can keep as long as I want but I still just start getting anxious. Nervous, not about her or her behaviour like that I cant handle it but just on edge. I am still trying to have faith this will pass and I have had great support from my friends. I think I am anxious too because just the fact she is not home and I am always trying to find some angle to get her home. I think the normality of being a mother  to her is off right now because of everything that happened and just not being around her all the time like normal. It is going on two and a half months now.. it is the fear of the fear I am dealing with now.

I did take a break this week and didnt see her but I dont think that resolved anything..its like I have this hurdle to overcome and dont know how to deal with it.

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WOW seems like forever since I blogged yesterday... all I wanted to share was I took the fifteen of lexapro again today... day two... some of you know how hard this is with the pill phobia thing... off and on all day tripped out about it but hopefully with enough days go by.. hoping a few more will just become normal...

I am trying to have faith in God about my daughter. That is all I can say about that. I go crazy thinking of ways to get her back, create safe zones around it, its all retarded and a head trip.. so I am just going to try and have faith.

Still had bad moments of anxiety today, but today went for two walks with my friend and the black lab. So all together today I would guess I almost had a hour of walking excercise.. but I have been napping in the afternoon like 2-3 hours just to escape the fear and anxiety and kill time, so I have been up later at night..

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Quick Blog... ended up sleeping all day yesterday.. well four hours... but had a good evening.

Today woke up not freaking out, I finally took my 15mg of lexapro instead of ten.. to be honest been tripping out about it a bit in my head but ok. Kept busy today.

 I talked to someone today and decided I am going to take a few days break from my daughter and just take the pressure off getting her back. I think it is really unhealthy communicating with her dad at all and I am putting way too much pressure on myself to get her home. I need to just trust with time it will happen. I hope nobody thinks I dont want her or love her like crazy but this has been major pressure on my head and maybe Im just not ready yet.

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Feel like things are going downhill. Waking up bad anxiety, starting to cry again. I feel like I cant take this anymore....why why why I want God to heal me so bad.. I dont understand.

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I feel like I am going backwards the last few days... feeling more fear and anxiety... I woke up panic attack last night... on the verge of one now.. supposed to work then pick up my daughter... I wonder where god is and why he wont heal me... will this ever get better and stay better? I am so full of fear right now.. I am tired of this constant battle .. I just want my daughter home and dont want to lose her.. I try so hard why???

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