Panic Survivor Members Blog

I am now at the worst I've ever been.  While I struggled over the weekend with the anniversary of my abortion, I also struggled with the option of taking a full-time job offer.  The decision making process was so grueling. I wanted to take the offer so that I could become independent, have insurance, and move in with my bf. Those are my goals. However, the job included crazy hours working 6 days a week and weekends. I didn't like that idea and I also was considering doing something else. I work with Alzheimer's patients and I like it, but I hate losing them. My bf was home during the weekend to be with me. He left on Sunday, it was so hard to see him go. When I woke up on Monday, I felt horrible. I felt in a thick fog like I was coming down with the flu. However, I never came down with anything. My depression and anxiety seems to have gotten 10x worse literally overnight. I'm on a very small dose of desiprimine (an antidepressant) which is practically nothing. Wednesday came along and I made the decision to decline the job offer. It didn't feel like a good match for me and most importantly my therapist and I agreed that I am not feeling well enough to work full time yet. Since Monday, it's so hard to focus. My memory is even screwing up. I forget everything. I'm walking around crying in a depressed, anxious fog.

The thing that upsets me the most right now is the possibility that I may never get well. I will lose everything, my life and the man I love. I am so afraid that he will leave me if I don't get better. I am definately not the girl he fell in love with. The reason I'm afraid is because he doesn't understand these problems. He believes you can control how you feel. Does anyone encounter this problem with their spouse/gf/bf? He says he believes that I'm doing my best. Over the weekend when we were talking, he started crying (he never cries). He confessed that a couple of times he thought about breaking up with me because we were fighting alot. But he told me he loves me and that he doesn't want to. That he wants to support me and see me through this. But I'm still afraid.  I can't lose him.

I went to church today, finally. I haven't gone in a while. I prayed in tears. I'm at His mercy. I don't what else to do.  Is this just my fate? I can't function like this, I can barely eat. I thought about going into the hospital, but I still work pt and I'm ashamed to tell my bf that I'm going back. I think I'll feel worse there, I don't know. Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist again. I'm on practically no meds right now.  I need your prayers :(

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I really didn't know what to title this blog. I haven't been on in a while so I will give you a quick update. I finally got off Cymbalta. It wasn't doing much for me and coming off of it made my symptoms 10x worse. Unfortunately, they are still lingering. The drug is definately out of my system but now I am just far worse than when I started all these drug trials. But despite my frustration, I have decided to continue on with the drug trials. It's not really determination, I'd just rather quit knowing that I tried every avenue or class of drug. Maybe I'll actually stump my psychiatrist lol. At least I'd walk away from him knowing that I stuck with the treatment and gave it my best shot. Also, I don't think it would be wise to walk away right now when I'm in such an emotional state. As you can guess, I'm looking for reassurance. Thats what I always look for when I come here. (Just a side note: for those of you thinking about getting on Cymbalta or who are on Cymbalta, please don't be alarmed by my experience. Many people respond very well to this drug. Remember that everyone's chemistry is different.) So, I am now on my sixth drug, Desiprimine. It is an old tricyclic antidepressant. I'm on a small dose right now and my doctor thinks that its not doing much. The good thing about this class of drug is that you can determine how much of it your body is absorbing my getting a blood test. I'll be getting my blood tested this week. I like my psychiatrist and I have told him about my doubts and frustrations. But I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I know more about this stuff than he does.  I don't know myself as well as I used to anymore so I can only hope that I am doing the best thing for me. I struggled with this decision (staying or getting off meds) for a while. But I have come to the conclusion to continue as long as I feel that I'm still being heard by my doctor. There is no way to tell which neurotransmitters you need more or less of. This is a guessing game. Maybe in the future there will be a way to measure brain chemicals. But in the meantime, I'm glad that no one will give me a lobotomy or fry my brain. (I watched One Flew Over the CooCoo's nest the other night )

Of all my symptoms, depersonalization has been one of the worst. Everyone I know feels like strangers. My relationship with my bf has suffered the most. I keep breaking up with him. I'm such an emotional mess all the time. I love him but because of the depersonalization, its hard to feel that love for him. Our relationship doesn't feel like it used to. Its the same for all my relationships right now. But it is the worst with him. Perhaps its because my illness threatens this relationship the most. For example, my mother will always be my mother, my father will be my father etc, etc,..but my bf and I are not set in stone. It can be threatened by anything or anyone. He's wonderful to me, but I always manage to sabatoge the good things. He travels for his job so this complicates matters more.

Sunday will be August 8th, one year since my abortion. I really wish that I could forget it ever happened....but I can't. I don't know if its the guilt or the shame...its probably both. I cried till 2am last night. And although my bf was there for me, I wanted him to cry too. He doesn't share the same pain and that makes me angry. I feel like I carry this burden and he doesn't. Maybe it's just because I'm the woman?

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This seems like a common topic lately. The last two days I've been on 30mg of Cymbalta now. Last week I was on 60 and the week before that I was on 90mg. If you haven't read my previous blog, my doc would like to put me on Desiprimine (trycyclic anti-depressants). I've been on 6 medications, 2 since January. I'm still debating on getting off everything for a little while. All the medication switching has produced more anxiety for me and I have been unable to pinpoint my real symptoms minus the side effects. So far, I haven't felt that bad. Last week (on 60 mg) I actually felt pretty good. I still had some anxiety issues (of course). My family had actually said they noticed a happier me. I've been more sociable and active. However, today (now on 30mg) I woke up feeling like crap. I believe it is withdrawal. I'm so dizzy I'm having trouble standing. I also have the craziest dreams!! They make my reality feel even wierder. I had a strange feeling last week while I was feeling great. It has been so crappy for me lately that I was so surprised how good I've been feeling especially with decreasing the meds. But in the back of my mind this made me nervous. I kept thinking "why am I feeling good? This isn't normal for me" ahhahaha. Anyways, I kept thinking when is the other shoe going to drop. I'm hoping that  these side effects pass in a few days and I feel good again. It was such a joy to feel good for a week. I'm bummed but I do have hope. Regardless, I still fear getting up in the mornings. I lay in bed, scared of how I am going to feel when I actually start moving around. Anyone else feel this way?? I am going to be calling my doc this week to let him now my final decision. I definately DO NOT want to switch from med to med anymore. It made me feel horrible. I'm ready to either do without or return to a medication that worked for me at least for a while. I really don't understand psychiatrists :( I personally prefer therapists. I think they do more for your recovery. That is my personal and amateur opinion everybody. Wishing everybody a great day!

Mandy

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I just came back from my psychiatrist. Cymbalta isn't working. He now wants to put me on some old tri-cyclic antidepressant called Desipramine. I've never even heard of it. At first I began to cry. I've tried every class of drug (SSRI, SNRI etc.)..some have worked for a while and others not at all. And now I feel that he has no clue what to do anymore so he is putting me on some crazy old meds. He keeps saying, "I know its frustrating and discouraging." How would he know?? Now I'm just angry. I don't want to do this anymore. This would be my 6th drug. I'm considering not taking...not taking anything anymore but I'm scared. I still worry that there is something more wrong with me than just anxiety/depression. I feel so hopeless, like the worst case ever. I'm soooooo mad!! I'm so tired of this. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I'm not in the driver's seat of my life. My life is in somebody else's hands. I want to take back control again. I feel like I can't do that when drugs are being shoved in my face and I feel forced to take them. How much trust should we be putting in these doctors?? How much is too much? Where can we draw the line?

I NEED to know of your experiences with drugs/medications. PLEASE share your story. How many have you tried? Have you ever stopped? Is there any of you in the same predicament?? I'd really appreciate you sharing.

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Hello all! Unfortunately this week I have less to do.  Last week I replaced someone at my work so I had a full week. I noticed that I do better when I'm busy. However, knowing that I have to work makes me somewhat anxious.  I'm currently looking for a full-time job. I haven't worked full-time in 2 years.  It's extremely scary because I never know when I'm going to have a "bad" day anxiety wise. This damn disorder is so unpredictable. On the other hand I seem to do worse when I have nothing to do. The next couple weeks I won't be working much. When it's like this, all I want to do is sleep.  When I finally do get up, I think about my anxiety all day while trying to do housework etc. I have to actively stop my brain from thinking about my depersonalization. I think "Is this really me? Am I really awake pouring coffee right now?" They sound like stupid questions but they scare me into mini panic attacks. Sometimes things look wierd, unrecognizable. My dog looks wierd I don't know it's hard to explain. Then the insanity questions boggle my mind. I'm going to attempt the laundry now.....

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Okay, so I'm still really upset about that fight with my sister. For those of you who haven't read it its the blog titled "It gets worse." I qualified for a public defender and the court case is June 9th. Today I recieved the police reports including my sister's statement. All of it makes me sound like a psychotic aggressive person. I really don't think I am. Even though my sister and I "made up" I am still really angry with her. I can't even stand looking at her sometimes. I don't know why. In her statement, she failed to mentioned the fact that she said some things that caused me to lash out at her and that after I did, she beat the hell out of me.  After all thats happened in our family, I come out the bad guy....the black sheep. All these feelings came up after this fight. Feelings of resentment that I thought I overcame along time ago.  Why can't I be seen as I truly am? I believe I am a good person...why can't anyone see that? If they can't maybe I'm am truly the bad person. Maybe I am this horrible psychotic agressive person. I feel so unloved and so lost. I can't figure anything out anymore. Not my anxiety, my relationships, my feelings.....nothing.

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Good evening my ps friends.  Last night when I bought the book I told you all about in my last blog, I came across a movie called "Numb" starring Mathew Perry (from Friends). I watched it last night and loved it. It's a romantic comedy about a guy suffering from anxiety and depersonalization. It's not depressing at all and rather funny.  It brings humor into this crazy disorder. He believes that smoking pot put him into this state and he is determined to get rid of it. He goes on to try all these therapies. I was nodding my head and laughing many times. I feel like I'm the female version of this character. It's actually based on a true story. Mathew Perry portrays the disorder very well. The ending is great too. I got alot out of it. Its basically about fighting this disorder or accepting it. Lets just say I'd like to start my journey towards acceptance. I highly recomend you watch it. I watched it for free online with megavideo.

If you do watch it, let me know what you think!

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Hey guys. I hope everyone is doing okay. I came across a book on depersonalization and anxiety. It's called Overcoming Depersonalization and Feelings of Unreality: A Mindfulness and Acceptance Guide to Conquering Feelings of Numbness and Unreality. As you already know, there are many facets to this disorder and some of us are lucky to experience more than one symptom at the same time. This book doesn't just help the depersonalization symptoms but also applies to the other ones. Read 35 pages on Amazon for FREE! This is what sold me. The author is a PhD who used 3 people with anxiety as a reference. Very helpful.

Talk to you guys later

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Well, my anxiety has been about the same, still struggling. I don't think the Cymbalta is doing much for me (its been 4 weeks).  I don't know about all of you or your beliefs but I have been praying to God to relieve me of this disorder for the year and a half that I've had it. I have faith in God and believe in prayer although at times I lose my way, I get angry at Him, and I lose hope. Sometimes when I pray I feel like I'm just talking to myself or the wall, but I pray anyway. Like I've said before in one of my blogs, I'm drawn to Him especially in moments of crisis. I think all of us do even those of us who are not sure they believe. 

Anyways, I came across this in the bible and I thought I'd share it with all of you. Hebrew 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I really thought about these words. They are a promise. In fact, God has made many promises and he never breaks them. So when you pray, instead of begging (which I  sometimes do), remind Him of the promises He's made. He is the only one incapable of disappointing you. Sometimes I wonder why I just don't give up. It's my hope and my hope lies with Him. I trust Him to keep his promises. He has always taken care of me. The answer to my prayers may not be what I wanted or at the time that I wanted but I have to believe that whatever the answer, it is all apart of His plane for me. I have to believe this because He Promised, He promised all of us.

Psalm 91:2 "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him, I will trust."

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Like I said in my last blog, I can cope with the other symptoms of anxiety but the panic attacks. Unfortunately they have returned in the last couple of weeks. For a few months I was free of them. Now they're back with vengence. I had a pa last week at work and than managed to get through the rest of the week although the fear of them still lingers. I had another one today. It was worse than last week's. My panic attacks are a little different from the typical heart pounding ones. It's my mom's birthday today and we went out to lunch. I made  it okay until we got dessert. My mom and I got ice cream. All of a suddenly I felt like a little girl again. I got an overwhelming feeling of sadness and panic. It took everything I had not to cry. I wanted to run out crying and screaming. It lasted about 20 min. After I took a xanax I felt a little better. Afterward we went to my grandfather's grave. His birthday was yesterday. By the time we got to the grave it was gone. It would have been appropriate to have a pa there. I'm worried about why these pa's have returned. And they are very emotional (lots of crying). Anybody else get PA like these?

Some possible explanations are the upcoming court case (for the fight with my sis), the switch from Pristiq to Cymbalta, or my new job as an activites assistant for dementia patients. I really enjoy my new job but I worry that its causing my  PA to return. What do you guys think? I see my psych doc next week. Its sucks right after you have a panic attack cause its so fresh in your memory. Any tips would be appreciated. Thanks

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