Panic Survivor Members Blog

Well what started out to be a perfect day has slowly turned into a day full of anxiety. Big surprise, I have no idea where it came from...well I do and I don't. You see my dad was recently in the hospital with pnemonia (I'm not sure of the spelling). While he was in there I kept thinking about the fact he is 91 years old and not in the best of health. I'm sure somewhere in my mind I was thinking that he wouldn't be around much longer. I know this sounds a little weird, but I'm not ready to give my dad up yet. I know he's had a very full life, but I don't know how I'm going to get through losing yet someone else I love so dearly. I lost my brother 22 years ago and my sister two years ago - both times were extremely hard on me. I'm still feeling the effects of losing my sister.

Anyway, today I wake up and really didn't feel any anxiety so to speak, I mean it's always there, but there are varying degrees of it - I'm sure you all know what I mean. But throughout the day I could see my thoughts were drifting to fearful things, then of course the depersonalization would kick in every once in awhile and even though I know what it is, it still makes me feel uncomfortable. These thoughts lead into thinking maybe this time it'll be different and I'll crack for sure - what if I can't get myself back to reality...you know the ones.

So this afternoon I decided to get my butt outside and go for a walk - I took a three mile walk around the forest preserve. While there I felt pretty good. I listened to Claire Weekes Pass Through Panic on my IPod and was feeling calm once more......until I walked in my door - I got nervous all over again. This is really unusual for me, because it's normally the other way around - I feel nervous outside my home and my home is my comfort zone! What the heck is going on here???? So, as soon as I walk in the door I saw a library book of my daughter's that needed to go back - I asked my daughter if she wanted to go with me, but she didn't - that was almost a relief - I wanted to be by myself - again...weird because before I'd want to be out with someone with me - to help me if I flipped out or something. So I drive to the library and checked out a few books - Gee! I wonder what kind of books I got!!! So now while I'm out, I'm talking to myself in the car (I do this a lot to help me sort out my thoughts) and again, feeling calm. I pull into the driveway and bam! it hits me again.

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Today my kids are officially back in school. This summer went be really quickly in someways and in others...boy, I'm glad it's just about over!! I was so concerned this summer that it would turn out like last year. Last summer was about the worst time in my life - lots of anxiety and depression set in - which I had never really had to deal with before. But with lots of changes in my life and the loss of my sister, I knew it was just a matter of time before the domino's began to fall.

I'm happy to say that this summer didn't resemble last much at all. I was able to get out, to do things with the kids, and get out and take walks just about every day - last year, it was hard enough getting myself on threadmill, let alone in the scary outside world!! So, yes things are better than last year.

However, since last year, I've gone on and then off of ad's, and I've also stopped seeing my therapist - she was someone who was helpful, but after yacking at her for a little over a year and really that's all it was - I thought she'd be someone who could do CBT exercises with me - or at least try and teach them - she was more like a "best friend" and a therapist.

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It's been almost four weeks since I've taken my last Lexapro and my mind keeps going back and forth as to knowing if I made the right decision or not. It's been a roller coaster ride, that is for sure. Some days are just fine, no anxiety, or very little and then some days are awful - not wanting to get out of bed for fear I'll have a nervous breakdown. I have managed to proceed with my life, which is good. I get out and do the things that I need to do, go grocery shopping by myself, and have taken my kids back-to-school shopping and to get their hair cut, to doctor's appointments and so on. However, it's been hard for me to do those things that I don't HAVE to do...go out and be with others, just for the fun of it. I have forced myself to go out and take a walk every day, only because I'm afraid of gaining too much weight, not because I'm trying to overcome my anxiety.

I'm also wondering if my therapist is doing me any good. I've been seeing her for a little over a year now and I'm not sure I'm in any better of a spot than I was last year...well, yes I am better, but I'm pretty sure it was the Lexapro, not the therapy. I had a pretty intense conversation with her last week as she tried to get me to go back on medication. I've told her I can't tell you how many times..I do not want to mask my problem...I want to be able to deal with it and to learn to overcome it as best I can naturally. I also think that part of this is due to hormones (sorry any men who decide to read this), but I am at the age where I will be in menopause shortly and I really mean shortly....I've had my period three times in one month and this last one has lasted 12 days now. When I told her this, she argued that she really didn't think that hormones had anything to do with it....HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT??? So I really feel she wasn't listening to me. Also, she's not much in the way of helping me with coping skills...she refers me to the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, which I have, but just tells me to do the exercises in it....shouldn't she be reinforcing some of these things with me?? Should she be doing some CBT exercises with me? I don't know...I go back to see her on Wednesday and I'm really going to have to have a open conversation with her.

I'm not giving up....I am going to continue on this journey, continue to ask for God's help, and continue to do the things I know to do to help me with this. I do have klonopin here to help me on the days that I absolutely think I need it, but other than that, I want to stay medication free. I'm due to go back to see the psychiatrist on the 20th of this month - we'll see what he has to say!! I'm really tired of fighting these people....I wish I could find a mental health person who understood where I was coming from and could help me naturally....not just throw pills at me.

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I've been off of Lexapro for almost a week now. My last 1/2 dose was last Tuesday evening and I haven't had one since. I still feel good about this decision - I really feel it was the right one for me. All of those things I wrote about in my last blog never happened...big surprise as most thing that we worry about never turn out happening.

I don't know how long it takes for the anti-depressants to totally get out of your system, so I'm not sure if I'm working on my own brain function or not...lol.  I still have been really tired, but I think it's due to not sleeping completely at night time, I'm either kept awake from my husband's snoring, or because my daughter, whose bedroom is directly across from ours likes to periodically turn her light on in the middle of the night - she gets scared and is comforted by having her light on.

I'm still seeing my therapist, which I've been seeing for one year now - and I'm wondering, is she doing me any good, or has this all been a waste of money. I heard somewhere that if you don't see big time results after 6 months, you're going to the wrong therapist. Okay, so I do feel better than I did this time last year, but I also was on the ad's and did a lot of work myself. She really just sits there and listens to me talk about what's going on in my life, tells me probably more things than I need to know about her life and I give her my check and leave. A few weeks ago I was down to seeing her once every three weeks - I thought, great! progress, however, last week when I was in her office we started to talk about my oldest daughter and how I felt like I screwed up as a mom - she's like okay, I think we've made a breakthrough here, I think you need to come every week again! What's that all about???? So when I see her this week I think I'm going to tell her I don't think I need to come quite so often (I honestly don't know if she just wants me coming in for the money or if she really thinks I need to be there).

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This is day number 5 or 6, I guess depending on how you look at it. As of Friday of last week, with the help of my psychiatrist, I cut my Lexapro down from 10 mgs to 5 mgs. I will do this for the next two weeks and then the following two weeks it's 5 mgs every other day, then nothing.

When I first decided to do this, I was very excited about it - almost manic. I felt like this was  a good decision. It wasn't working any more and my doctor had already been planning which med he was going to put me on next. I didn't want to go through that AGAIN. You never know if the one they give you is going to work or not, I for me, I decided it was time to get off of them completely and hope and pray for the best.

As I said, I was feeling really good about my decision. Got up the next morning for my walk and really felt good - this was my first day on 5 mgs and all was good. My anxiety had gone down, I had a positive attitude and was starting to come up with a plan as to how to attack this from a more natural way, rather than with chemicals. Start out the day with a 2-3 mile walk, which I've been doing just about every day for the past 1 1/2 years, make sure I take my B complex, EPA/DHA, C, D and calcium/magnesium - all of which are very good for the nerves. I also decided to journal more and be sure to spend quality time with God every day and do my positive affirmations and scriptural verses.

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Okay, just felt like blogging...I guess because I've been feeling a bit more anxiety and thought if maybe I write it down, I'll be able to take a look at it and get a better perspective on things.

So I just finish my Spring semester finals and I've got the next couple of weeks off and not really sure what to do with my time. I know I should be doing some things with the kids..but frankly, I really don't want to...does this make me a bad mom??? I don't know my 15 year old pretty much hates and doesn't really want to be around me anyway (hoping it's just the age and she'll grow out of this soon) and my 12 year old doesn't mind hanging out with me but always wants to bring one of her friends - I can't blame her - but I don't like to be around others when my anxiety is high.

I've been popping my klonopin pretty regularly lately to try and keep my anxiety in check - although my psych. wants me to go from 10mgs of Lexapro to 15 mgs..I've been to afraid - of what I'm not sure.

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Almost a month since my last post and just wanted to update anyone who is interested as to how things are going.

In the last two weeks my father finished his radiation treatments, hopefully for the last time and hopefully all the cancer is gone. However, my mother fell and has broken both her shoulder and her pelvis and is in rehabiliation now for the next couple of months. My poor dad has to stay alone in their house and I feel extremely nervous about that. He is old and has trouble seeing and hearing and I just hate the fact he is there by himself. He can't really stay with anyone else because, #1, he doesn't want to, and #2 most of us live too far away, and then he wouldn't be able to visit my mom in rehab every day.  So, this on top of my mother falling, plus my brother (who never gets sick) was pretty sick last week and that, of course, had me concerned.

I've been having a bit of trouble with my girls (as they are both teenagers). I know they say that the teenage years are tough, but I really had NO idea how tough they were going to be.

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Well I did it, I went on vacation. I really didn't think I'd be able to, I was nervous and scared that I'd flip out on the plane or something, but I not only didn't flip out, I wasn't even nervous or scared. So for anyone who has followed my blogs, they know that I've had a recent setback with anxiety. Over last summer, it was awful, it was a combination of my sister's death, my daughter's graduation and going into high school and my own college graduation  and change to a new school for a new degree, that put me over the edge - too much change. Anyway, with the help of meds (which I really fought), a lot of hard work and the support of my God and my friends and family, I made it through.

So we had planned this big trip to Hawaii - this means getting on a plane and flying for 2 1/2 hours and then again for another 8 hours. I hate flying, I really don't like being away from my familiar surroundings, BUT my husband had planned this vacation over six months ago and he and the kids were looking forward to it, so what could I do. I had many senarios played out in my head, let's see, I could get sick and not be able to go - no! I could pretend like I had a project due at school and I wouldn't be able to go - no! hhhmmmm....I couldn't come up with anything. I knew I'd have to suck it up and go!

The morning we left I was feeling edgy, not really full blown panic yet, but I knew if I didn't do something, it was only going to get worse. My husband suggested I take a klonopin BEFORE we leave for the airport so I wouldn't feel so scared by the time we boarded the plane - I did. By the time we left the ground - I was fine - no fear. But somewhere in the back of my mind I kept thinking - oh, by the time we board for the Hawaii plane - I'm going to get nervous again and then what - I can't take another klonopin!!! But guess what - I didn't need another one - I was fine on the second flight - I even slept for a little bit. I enjoyed my vacation (with a couple of anxious moments - that really didn't last long) AND was able to get on the plane home with no fear whatsoever!! AND I actually slept on takeoff!!!! I have NEVER done that before in my life - I've always been very afraid of take-offs!!!

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It's been about a month and a half since my last blog, so I figured it was time to update. The last time I posted I was just weening off of the Celexa and on to Lexapro. Well I've been on 10 mgs of Lexapro since and have to say I think it's workng pretty well. Although I still get anxiety and pretty much every day, it's not anywhere near what I was feeling before. I can at least go out and do things; grocery shopping (which isn't my most favorite), going out to lunch with friends, taking my kids places and school isn't quite such an ordeal.

I have been feeling lately a little light-headed or dizziness, but I think it's got to do with my sinuses or an inner ear thing, so I'm not getting too worked up over it. The weather is starting to turn nice and I'm hoping I can go with the flow. When this whole thing started (I call it my nervous breakdown) last summer, the weather was dark, dreary and it fit my mood. We've not had a lot of sun and that was just fine with me, it gave me an excuse to stay in and take lots of naps :). Now that it's getting nicer out and the sun is shining, I am really hoping to get out more and enjoy it.

We're going on vacation to Hawaii in a couple of weeks and part of me is excited and another part of me is really nervous. I keep thinking about being on that plane for such a long time and flying over the ocean really is freaking me out.

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Wow, I can't believe it's been almost two months to the date since I've blogged last. Let's see, since my last blog I've changed my meds, I think at least twice. Started with Celexa, going slow and low and worked my way up to 20 mgs. Was okay for a few weeks and then started to feel some anxiety, so my psychiatrist suggested I go up to 40 mgs. I did that slowly and felt much more anxiety so took it back down again. Again felt good for a little while , until the anxiety crept back in again. So, decided to change meds to Luvox - oh, boy - really didn't like that one. It made me just a little too aggresive, plus the fact I was really tired all of the time. Anxiety was okay, nothing too terrible, but was always still there, nonetheless.

So, my psychiatrist again said, 'let's change it to.....Paxil' like he was throwing a dart at a dartboard filled with the different anti-depressants tagged up there. After careful consideration decided I didn't want to try that one as I've read too many things I didn't want to have to deal with. So, again I go back to the doctor and this time I suggested I try Lexapro - have heard fairly good things about it, I know that women especially work well with the drug, so for the last week, I've been taking half a pill of Celexa (as I haven't been weened off this one still) and half a pill of Lexapro, tonight I go to just one pill of Lexapro. Let's hope this is the one that makes me feel better without the side effects.

On a positive note, I've enrolled in two different classes - one even being actually on campus, rather than online - this forces me to get out of the house and with other people. So far, so good. I've made baby step progress - but in comparison to where I was this last summer....I've made giant steps. I've managed to put a few pounds back on (I was losing way too much from not eating during my time of depression) and really need to get myself back on the threadmill (too cold to walk outside - 6 degrees out there today).

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