Panic Survivor Members Blog

Just feeling anxious so I decided to Blog. I'm now part of a CBT group. I'm enjoying it. It helps hold me accountable for putting effort into meeting my goals. I'm working on breaking big goals into little goals, and working on some small-scale self exposure as well as other things that will help. I'm not LEARNING much, but it's helping me put things into practice. Especially practicing a classroom-like situation, which is a big trigger for me. My Counselor dropped me about two weeks ago. Not permanently, but she wanted me to take a break from therapy until I was ready to "move on". That really hurt me and left me feeling a great sense of loss because I've been finding therapy helpful. I called her the other day saying I didn't really understand what was going on and I'd like another session to talk about it, and she ended up saying she thinks she went too far and would like us to continue. Whew! Thank goodness. She explained to me today that she was worried because I have such a hard time sitting in my feelings and she was worried I didn't want to get better, basically because I had said that I don't want to live a 'normal' life. I want to do self-sustained or perhaps small scale farming. But just because I don't want a social-based job doesn't mean I don't want to get better! There are many things I want to do besides farming, and my anxiety holds me captive. I still want to go back to school. I'd like to maybe work in a library again. I want to study anthropology. I want to be a writer. I want to hold spiritual workshops again like I used to. I want to be able to take care of my day-to-day needs. So yes, I do want to get better. I just don't want... I guess.. to be what my parents want me to be. Wow. I didn't say that in the office today, but maybe I should have. It just dawned on me now. And just really facing that has let off some anxiety. I wasn't anxious about that, I don't think, but I just felt something shift there. 

Thanks for listening folks. I don't have a lot to say (for me! lol) tonight... but thanks for being here.

~ Aimmy 

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My throat is tight. My neck is tight. My breathing shallow. My chest constricted. I feel like my arms are fluttering. I just got off the phone with my Mom. Nothing really bad came up in the conversation. We touched on a few rough topics, as we can't help but do, but mostly avoided falling into their mire. So why am I feeling this way? Why am I having a panic reaction? I think, because she seemed uninterested in me. True, I don't have much going on right now. I tried not to repeat old information, but I think I did a bit anyway. I feel almost like I've been rejected. She was amiable, she said she loves me, I just must have been boring. I guess I'm not used to her not being all over me either positively or negatively. I feel a little silly. Like a ten year old expecting to be praised for "going potty". I guess I'm just not the center of her world right now, and that's weird for me. It's probably a good thing, it's just uncomfortable. It also makes me feel like she's getting old. Which isn't a comfortable thought either. I worry about her. She's very upset about a new hairstyle. Which is fine, and I SO feel for her (her stylist thought for some reason it'd be a good idea to give her almost a buzz cut just cause she said she was feeling hot this summer), but it bothers me that all of my suggestions about how to deal with it were blown off. I guess she wanted to be heard, not fixed. I tried to do both, but maybe I could do better in a few days. I don't know what to say right now... I remember when I first convinced her to stop dying her hair to cover grey. That was probably a decade ago at least. She was so nervous about it, but after a few months she really started to feel empowered by it and even sexy. I was so glad that I was right about it, because she had been dying way too often for her health. I just wish I could come up with something like that for her again. She's always going to be the most beautiful lady in the world to me. Yet, at the same time, I can see the passage of time and the less pleasant fashion choices (and mistakes!), and I want to be honest about that with her. I want to be able to give honest compliments (and I'm sure there would be some!) that can help. But I'm not there. I don't see her, and so, I can't know what to say. It's also hard for me to talk about things I don't like about the way I look, because I know we look a lot alike. Actually she was much prettier at my age than I am. I know it's all superficial, but we all like to look good, no point denying that. Her birthday is coming soon. She'll be 65. Maybe I can figure out a special gift to perk her up....

~ Aimmy 

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Hello all. It's been a long time since I blogged here. Right now though I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with my emotions and I really want to 'talk it out'. I'm down to seeing my Counselor once every two weeks, and this week she's sick, so I don't know when I'll see her next, and I really needed to see her on my appointment day and didn't get the chance, so things are built up strenuously inside me right now.

Right now I'm feeling very sad. The feeling is so overwhelming that I feel like I can't handle it, and it makes me think suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, they don't go pat thinking for me. I'm upset that I can still have these thoughts when it goes against everything I believe in. But the groundwork for them was laid in my deepest depression and now my mind goes there sometimes when things get bad. It's just that I want the feeling to go away, at nearly any cost. I also think about doing drugs as an alternative. Also something I don't believe in or want to do. On that account too so far I've been able to keep it to just thoughts.

My biggest problem I think is I don't know what to DO with my feelings. 'Negative' ones anyway. I feel there is no way to satisfy them so I can release them. I'm hopping turning to blogging might help some again.  

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Well, I did it again. My parents were drunk and I believed what they said. They said they were interested in paying for me and hubby to come visit and finally have an actual wedding, or at least that they'd go halfers. I thought about it all night, I could barely sleep. I spent so much time figuring out how we could save maximum funds and still have something that would feel good. I want a home-grown wedding, where instead of gifts people tend to pitch in. Someone brings a lot of salad, someone brings candles, someone sews my dress, etc. I thought it was fantastic. I'd finally get the day I've wanted since I met my husband (and that every little girl tends to dream of of course). He said he'd want to buy me a new ring instead of using the engagement bands (three silver bands with low-grade sapphires, rubies, and emeralds respectively, as tradition in my family says the more stones the more you'll see of eachother), which of course we would pay for. The whole thing seemed so glorious and attainable. And, for me, it meant my parents were finally living up to their word some (I was told all as I grew up that they'd give me a beautiful wedding like my siblings had, etc etc). Today I called and Dad turned 180 degrees and just said no. Mom was on board, but only covertly, because she doesn't openly disagree with him very often at all. I'm so disappointed. I feel that wound of heartbrokenness from my parents opening back up again. Why am I not important enough? I know why, I didn't marry money, I didn't stay a virgin (rape started THAT path), I don't have a career to be proud of etc etc etc, the list goes on. But it's not RIGHT. I love myself enough to know I SHOULD be important enough. The bigger question is, I guess, why do I ever believe them, especially if they've been drinking (almost every day)? Because I want to trust them. I just want to be secure and loved. My mother even dared say that if we did do it I shouldn't plan it to be close to the side of the family I love best as my Grandma and Great Aunts are old and might die in the 1-3 years it would take to get the wedding together. How cruel is that? I've already waited 6 years since my engagement, and now she tries to say I may never have that family at my wedding IF I even get one, though they're only a few hours north of Mom & Dad. I'm disappointed mostly, but a little angry. I should probably be angrier, but I just feel so defeated and sad I don't have energy left to be angry. I feel like their plaything. They wind me up with ideas that sound like promises, watch me go after them, then retract them. For Dad at least I think it's just all part of the powertripping. I'm trying so hard not to have malice against him, but he just hurts me again and again and again, even if it's 'just' emotionally. And Mom is still spineless. It's times like these that I think the awful things, like cutting them out of my life, or that I will never feel free until they are (or at least Dad is) dead. I was doing so good! I'm frustrated that this blow is hurting me so and making me want to hide and give up. I went for a five mile walk yesterday, I have pizza dough on the go, I put away a little laundry, and now... now I just want to crawl into a fetal position and hide and cry. Will I ever be the most important to either of my parents, like they so often SAY I am? Why does my family have to spawn liars? And I lie in return to my parents often, because it's so ingrained and safer feeling. I try REALLY hard not to, because I hate it, it's despicable, I DON'T want to be like THAT. Lord and Lady help me! Just give me the strength to live MY life and to learn to get hurt less. I don't ask for the impossible, for them to stop hurting, I just want to hurt less from it, please. Well, a few tears now, this is probably good, but I can already feel them drying. I wish I could just bawl like my insides want me to.
~ Aimmy

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By my own standards I've been doing pretty darn good! Every time I try to focus on that the little gremlins in the back of my mind (figuratively speaking) tell me about my shortcomings and how far I have to go... but I'm trying really hard to not even listen. Here's some of what I've been up to lately:

Baking four big batches of very healthy muffins over two days AND cleaning the muffin pan myself between batches!

Making main meals ahead for a half month in two days

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I haven't written in awhile again. Mostly because I've been more socially active (even if it is mostly online) - yay! 

I'm feeling pretty anxious right now. I still have a hard time just enjoying our progress and enjoying anything. We went out tonight for 3 hours to a friend's house! And it wasn't just those two and their child there, it was also two other friends and their two big dogs. I had fun, but hubby wanted to leave sooner than I did. That wasn't such a big deal. When we got home though, hubby had a melt-down. He was highly irritable, but he recognized it and tried to just go to the bedroom for awhile. He ended up sleeping, and we missed an online event we'd planned to attend. I'm trying to not make it a big deal, but I feel like the one success doesn't wipe out the other failure. I always feel like we're behind and have a hard time acknowledging our steps forward as 'enough', even 'for now'. I just feel like my anxiety rides me and we never do 'good enough'.

My therapist has been gone for a couple weeks. I think I've been doing pretty good, considering. I'll be really happy to have her back. I'm also feeling like a failure with therapy too though. I heard from a lady who only needed a few weeks of therapy after an abusive relationship. I just feel like I'm so much less than these people that can just pick themselves back up and get on with life.

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I'm not OK. I'm doing better in some ways, but I'm still very not OK. I'm so TIRED of hearing from medical professionals that I JUST need to push through the anxiety, make myself sleep regularly, and all the other nonsense they try to feed me. They don't understand. I don't think high-power professionals are the type of people who are capable of understanding what I go through. My doctor is currently running a practice and a half because he picked up patients when another doctor left town. This man, who can do one and a half times what any normal doctor puts themselves through just doesn't get that JUST doing what he could do isn't an option for me. He doesn't want to help me get disability. He doesn't even want to advocate for me to mental health that I need to do CBT with someone. He wouldn't listen at all when I told him I am Phone-Phobic, and he signed me up for a phone service called the Bounceback Program. He thinks I need to JUST push through my anxiety, not let myself avoid chores, and I'll be fine. My goodness, if I only could. But this man can't understand CAN'T from a psychological perspective. 

The other day I spent half an hour just thinking about self-harm, just longing for a physical face to my pain so someone would listen and understand. Just thinking that if I could just focus on physical pain maybe it would feel better than this longing sorrow of looking for comfort from my anxiety. But then, when I have gone through physical pain, it was awful too. I just feel like I'm reaching in the dark trying to grab something, anything, so I know I'm not alone in the darkness.

I feel so alone and stranded and unloved. My husband and I were considering a baby for awhile, but now, after I thought we were agreed and going to do it, we're back to not. I would be a horrible parent anyway. My house isn't even clean, not remotely. I can't take care of myself, let alone someone else. And we had decided, when we got together, that we wouldn't have kids. We're not still debating because I think he's right. I saw a ray of hope, thinking I could remake my family by having a child. But it won't happen. Even when I offer to give my parents the one thing they ever treated me like I would certainly be good for and do what they wanted they still aren't willing to be a real part of my life, to help me heal, and to help me in general. I don't feel loved by them. I tried to tell my aunt that I don't feel loved by my father and she just went on to say that I am loved and he just doesn't know how to show it. There it is again, the not hearing me. No child deserves to be brought into this mess I call my life.

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I haven't been on the site in awhile. Honestly, I think I've been doing pretty good. This afternoon I didn't get up until 3pm though and hubby's still in bed and I'm not dealing with it well. We got Netflix which helps me be alone, but it usually only helps for an hour or two. Just like my dog only helps for awhile. I hope she'll help more when she's task-trained for service. We finally ordered the service dog books we need. Only one has arrived so far, but it feels good to be making some kind of progress at least. I missed my last counseling appointment because I couldn't get up. Our sleep schedule's been a bit screwy. But, in general, we're managing it alright enough that we don't miss a whole lot because of it. I'm trying to fix it though, but hubby seems to not care. I keep telling him I need a good sleep schedule, and for me, where I'm at right now, that means he needs one too. He's really been pushing lately for me to do things on my own. I know I'm a burden, and I know it's part of my problems so I should try to change it, but it's just SO hard to fight this level of anxiety. Anyway, now my counselor is away until the end of the month. Which has me feeling pretty freaked, like I'm unanchored. I'm trying to work from home again. It's really odd. One day I'll feel like I can do it no problem, and the next I'll crash hard. I went and spent some time in a place they call Transition House, which is basically a combo abuse shelter for ladies and children, detox facility, and round-the-clock counseling place. Obviously I was there for the counseling. I only stayed three days I think, but it helped a lot. Let off some pressure. I'm afraid now though that I may need to go back there this month while my counselor is away. I still have a hard time viewing myself as something between sick and well. I feel like if I need help I'm sick and I can't do anything... which undermines my attempts to work around the house and work from home. Anxiety is just always so right in my face! I see the doctor again on Monday and I'm worried. He's moving so SLOW on treatment and my disability application. I need help NOW not six months from now when he gets around to it. I'm also trying to be more social, and I'm enjoying it. Unfortunately now though I have this bothersome thought that I'l just have another PTSD 'flare up' and let everyone down again when I hide from the world. things have gotten to the point where I worry about and fear my anxiety which just helps it get a foothold. Money is tight right now for us too, and that's leaving me feeling stressed. Things with my family are bad right now too. My father's being really controlling to my mother, and even to me about when I'm aloud to call and how long I can talk for and such. I think he's backsliding pretty bad and I'm afraid. Mostly for mom, but also because he's my landlord, and also because honestly, I think when he's unstable, who knows what he's capable of. It just keeps running through my mind about when I confronted him on the phone some recently and told him that threatening to kill me really messed me up and he said "never happened". That's insane, that level of denial. I mean, there was a court case over it and everything. I only gave video evidence, I didn't attend. Who knows what lies he fed them?! He got away with restraigning orders (which my mother later had lifted) and some jail time served on weekends. How stupid. A man threatens to kill his family and they let him serve only on weekends?!

Anyway, I'm going to try to turn away from these thoughts by going to play a video game. I've been finding my only real comfort in escapism lately.

Thanks for listening,

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I have high anxiety right now, about nothing in particular. Usually I at least have a bunch of negative thoughts or flashbacks going on. Sometimes it comes out of the blue though. I'm worried though that it might be related to my recent taking-up of coffee drinking in the morning. I have one or two cups a day right now. I started because I found it got me moving and made it easier to get a few things done on any given day. It almost clears my head. But yes, it wires me up at least at first. I know caffeine can increase anxiety... but I was so depressed and lethargic. I guess I'll just have to try it out longer and see if this is an occasional or frequent side effect. It's essentially a self-medicated "upper" for me right now. And I know I'm on prescribed "downer"s. I don't like the idea of medicating to do what most people can do naturally, but truth is, I can't do it solo. 

I've been doing good at pulling myself out of cyclical bad thoughts and even mild flashbacks. They still affect me very much, but I'm making some progress. I keep having to tell myself to "be here now", and to let myself worry later, or at other times when it won't take over my whole day. I'd like to just tell myself to not worry, but I'm not there yet.

Things with my parents are currently very confusing to me. I was beginning to think I wanted them really active in my life, to move forward and to make amends for the harm they've caused me.  My Mother is receptive and says she wants to live near me, but my Father is stonewalling me. I actually managed the other day to tell them both that how things were when I was growing up was not OK and that I'm not OK now. My Father challengingly asked "like what when you were growing up?" and I responded with some specific memories and some generalizations and topped it off with "and you threatening to kill me. Do you have any idea how much that *^#%ed me up?!" and he replied "Never happened." I couldn't say anything to that at the time, it just hit so hard. It was another level of abuse. His denial was like being punched in the stomach. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I just felt so shaky. I told Mom yesterday about what he said and how I couldn't respond, and I said it was BS and "I was there. It happened. And not just once either...". Mom agreed. But I don't know how to deal with Dad. It was the closest we've ever come to talking about the abuse... I opened up those memories and I made myself vulnerable and he just hurt me again. I now wonder WHY I truly thought it would be a good idea for them to come out here. I mean, I know what I thought, but I think his abusive nature IS still intact, now that I hear that. And he's been really really mean to Mom about chatting with me on the phone. I'm now worried that the old "Well, if you're going to accuse me of abuse I might as well REALLY commit the crime" thing is happening to her because of what I said. But it wouldn't REALLY be because of what I said, it'd be because he's an abusive jerk. I'm trying not to feel worried and responsible for Mom, but it's so so hard. 

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Having a hard time. Hubby just freaked out while playing a game with me online because people we were playing with weren't listening to him. So we both logged out. It isn't very fun for me without him lately anyway. I can understand how he got upset, but it seems disproportionate. I thought he might break his computer. Not the first time I've thought that, though thankfully he didn't. He has broken stuff in the past, but that was long ago. Still, I get afraid he will when he gets frustrated like that. 

I was disproportionally upset earlier too. I made a perfect Cream of Asparagus soup - in the canning pot, to freeze it. As it was cooling I put on the kettle for tea. Apparently I turned on the wrong burner. It ruined the whole huge batch. This happens to me a LOT. Hubby reassured me, but I was still really upset for awhile. Now I don't so much feel upset as discouraged. I was trying SO HARD today to do stuff around the house. Every time I do more than a bare-bones minimum though it seems I screw something big up - broken washer, ruined clothes, broken plates, whatever. It really feels like every time. I was trying to focus on present and future so I wouldn't slip into flashbacks or anything... I did slip a lot, but I caught them before they got really intense. I guess that's some success. Still though, I feel like such a domestic failure. And I'm so tired of wasting our money just because of my damn PTSD symptoms!!! I feel so... lame.

I'm teetering on this edge lately. Sometimes I feel I can get it together enough to start working a little (entrepreneurialy, at home), and other times I feel so screwed up I think I should check in to a Mental Health facility for like 6 weeks (which I understand is the standard). It feels like there's a bigger gap than before between good days and bad days , and that I flipflop between them more. This might mean I'm getting better, because every day isn't a bad day (or not all of it anyway, you get the drift), but the extreme swings are frightening and leave me unsure and unsettled.

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