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Erosion of self
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TOPIC: Erosion of self

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#25353
mouse528 (User)
Watching Survivor
Posts: 1
graphgraph
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Erosion of self 2 Years, 10 Months ago  
I have never done this before but it was recommended by my doc that I talk to someone, I am not good at talking to people so I guessed this would be the next best thing.

I am 34 yrs. old, married and a father of 2 (7 & 9).

Almost 2 years ago I got a phone call at work from my Dad that I needed to come home. When I got there I was told my mother had pancreatic cancer. I had my first panic attack then I just did not know that's what it was. I knew how bad that diagnosis was because of a co-workers husband had the same thing, my parents though did not know the severity of that type of cancer and I did not have the heart to tell them.

I took them to every Doctor apt because my Dad had all but fallen apart and I was scared for him to drive the hour back and forth when she went in for tests. I was in the room when the Doc told her she had maybe 6 mos., it was then my Mom looked at me and knew that I had known all along how bad it was and the sadness she felt that I had not told them because I did not want to be the one to deliver that news.

My Dad crumbled and I became the one everyone turned to for everything, I did not begrudge this then as it needed to be done and she is my mother. She made it 2 mos., but right before she went she made asked me to promise her I would take care of my Dad as she did not think he would make it without someone (she had always been the cornerstone that held him up).

After her passing her fear came true and he returned to alcohol to drown his sorrow and nothing I could do would stop him. It was a reversal of roles, during the week it wasn't that bad at first, only on the weekends. I spent from Friday morning till Sunday night making sure he was ok, ate, and drove him where he needed or wanted so he wouldn't get behind the wheel. During the week he would call at all hours of the night crying and I would go set with him till he went to sleep or passed out.

My life kept getting more strained as I desperately tried to maintain a relationship with my wife and kids while trying to keep my promise to my mother. During this time my anxiety/panic attacks continued to get worse and more frequent until one morning my wife found me on the bathroom floor throwing up, every muscle had cramped up to the point I was bleeding from my hands because of my fingernails digging into my palms. She was able to get me to my Doc who after taking my blood pressure ran to get a shot of something and jammed it in me.

I was put on Xanax then after a while moved to diazepam, since then I am currently on medication for depression and blood pressure also. My Dad has met someone that keeps him company and while I am happy he has stopped drinking I am hurt he can't be around me for more than a few minutes for what I guess to be a combination of guilt and how much I remind him of my mother.

I take after my mother as wanting to take care of others and putting their needs before my own but now I have gotten to the point that I don't know where I begin and everyone else ends (if that makes sense). I feel so empty and have lost interest in all the things I used to do. No matter how hard it seems I try I cannot make myself enjoy going fishing or bike riding. It takes nothing it seems to induce me into an attack that feels like I am having a heart attack and I am scared that one day I am going to have one or a stroke or something.

I know there are people that have things in their lives much worse than what I have and that makes me feel even worse.

I don't know of doing this will help but I don't thing it can hurt to try, I apologize for the long post.
 
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Last Edit: 2015/01/22 04:07 By
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tsuki.
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#25354
tsuki (Admin)
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Posts: 927
graphgraph
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Re:Erosion of self 2 Years, 10 Months ago  
Hello mouse528! Welcome to PS. I don't see your post here. Message me and let me know if it was intentionally left blank (which I doubt). For now, I suspect this may be a glitch and can attempt to remedy. I hope you're doing well and look forward to reading your post . . . hugs
 
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#25355
tsuki (Admin)
Administrator
Posts: 927
graphgraph
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Re:Erosion of self 2 Years, 10 Months ago  
Hello again I was able to retrieve your post and have read it . . . and cried.

First of all, my condolences to you and your family on the loss of your mother. Please don't apologize for the length of your post. You've written exactly what you should. Your Dr. is right; talking about your feelings of anxiety helps. It's not easy to talk about chronic anxiety to people who've never experienced it. Here, we can relate to everything you've written.

I understand what you are going through. There is no time limit to the grieving process. You've experienced the trauma of your mother's diagnosis and passing in such a short period of time. I can only imagine your desperate struggle to help. Your Dad's feelings are not uncommon and I commend you for your understanding. He's also grieving and needs time also. You are his family and he will miss all of you as time passes. You've done all that a good son can do and I'm sure you will see more of him in his own time. Be as patient as you've been and look towards your wife and children for the mutual comfort you need. Yes, you are the nurturing kind, and your family is there for you.

I can also understand you may have feelings of guilt also. Your mother's eyes held so much for you. Please know that she may not have been sad that you did not tell her, but her sadness may have been for the thought of not being there for all of you. I write this only because my feelings are such as I am also a mother and grandmother and I couldn't bear to leave them. Such is the nature of the maternal instinct.

It may be time for a change. For starters, a little trip away from home with your family can help. Talk with your wife about your feelings. She may want to help you make some changes to your lifestyle. A change of diet can help with your blood pressure as well as anxiety. Exercise at home, jogging or at the gym helps to alleviate depression. Relaxation in any form is crucial to help reduce stress. Read around the site and see what changes other people have undertaken to ease their anxiety. Taking care of yourself is the key to a healthy anxiety-free life. It may not be easy at first and may take some time, but it's worth the energy and time.

Continue with your psychotherapy. Ask your therapist about different treatments available. Keep coming back to post and blog. This is an excellent means of supplementing therapy, gaining advice and adding to your network of support. There are many caring people here who have gone through similar situations, myself included. We care about how you're doing and want to help . . . hugs
 
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#25356
draydon (User)
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Posts: 166
graphgraph
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Re:Erosion of self 2 Years, 10 Months ago  
Hi Mouse528. Welcome to the site. If you look under my blog I actually just posted if anyone needs to talk/vent feel free to pst me, create a blog or even post in the survivor forums. I've been on the site for a few years now and found the advice and support given reassures me that everything will be ok. You are not alone in what you are going through and there is a ton of information and stories on the site which can be of value and support.
 
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