Hi everyone. I've had panic disorder and agoraphobia for nearly 7 years now. In the past few months, I've realised that the only way I'm going to beat this is to do things that I'm scared of, like getting on buses and trains, going into shops, etc.
I was making some progress. At New Year, I even went away for 2 days and got a train there and back. It was scary, but I felt so proud of myself for managing it. A few weeks ago, I went into town with a friend who doesn't know about my problems and even managed to stay in a busy shopping centre for 45 minutes - which basically felt like I'd just climbed Everest with no sherpa
But today, I decided to take the train into town with my mum. The train only takes 10 minutes and my mum is one of my "safe people", so I figured if I'd managed the other stuff, I could manage that. I woke up excited, thinking about how great I would feel once I'd done this.
Hmm. About 3 minutes into the train journey, a wave of panic hit me. I decided I wasn't giving in to it and stayed on the train till town. Went to the shop we were going to, and the panic just kept getting worse. But I stayed in the shop till we got what we needed.
By this point, I was dizzy and trembling and close to tears. On our way to the train back, the panic just hit me so hard and I couldn't seem to talk myself down. I ended up taking a Valium (something I haven't done in ages). Even the Valium didn't seem to calm me and they always work.
I refused to get on the train and we ended up having to spend a fortune on a taxi.
I'm now sitting here shaking and anxious, scared to leave my room.
My daughter has a friend coming to stay tomorrow and we have people coming over on Sunday who I can't cancel on. I'm feeling like there's no way I can cope and I just don't know what to do.
After making strides, I feel like I've just set myself back so much and now I don't know how to pull myself out of this.
Sorry for such a long post.