I relate to everything you said. I have felt that way SO many time throughout my disorders birth (lol). I'm waiting for it's death too. haha. But I have learned to cope so well. I also had a bad excuse problem, and I am SOOO good at making them too, i can make an excuse for ANYTHING. but finally, i felt like you in this blog and I promised myself. NO MORE EXCUSES.I told my psychologist this because I wanted her to know and wanted her support and advice. I had things i wanted to do by myself, like you say, I WANTED TO LIVE. Anyways, i wrote down everything I wanted to do and then as I did everything I put a check mark next to it and on a scale of 1 to 10 how anxious/panicky I felt, (10 being I was a second away from having an attack). Also, if I didn't end up doing something I wanted to, I had to have a good reason, not an excuse. Then I would report back to my psychologist and we would see my improvement. She would give me feedback, i would tell her my experiences, detailed. What I felt like, what bothered me, what made me happy. I kept desensitizing myself. No matter how bad I felt, going back out there. And this was one of my psych. that actually had to leave work for personal reasons and she gave me a present at the end of our last meeting together. She handed me the LARGEST rubber band ball I have EVER seen in my life! It made me laugh histerically when I first saw it because I didn't understand. She told me that every thing, big or little that I had accomplished, she had put a rubber band on that ball. And it started with only one rubber band. I almost didn't believe her, I couldn't believe how much I had done, there had to have been 100's on there. Anyways, that is one of the best presents I have ever gotten and I keep it on my desk all the time. Sometimes when I have to go on long anxiety ridden drives, I'll bring it with me and when I want to turn around, I hold it in one hand. You can do this yourself. You will be amazed at how much you can accomplish. I believe no matter how weak we feel that all of us suffering with anxiety/panic are some of the STRONGEST people out there. I would like to see arnold schwartzenegger(spelling, i know ;p) have just 1 panic attack. I bet he would be balled into a corner looking no bigger than a child, crying and rocking back and forth! You can do anything you set your mind to!

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