“Charles Darwin probably had an anxiety disorder. It has been argued that he most likely suffered from panic disorder with agoraphobia. He described his illness as a "sensation of fear....accompanied by troubled beating of the heart,sweat,trembling of muscles." ”
I was 29 when I had my first and only child. She was born in October a totally beautiful and healthy baby. We started construction on our new home in November and were scheduled to move in Feburary. I should have been on top of the world. A beautiful new baby and new house. However, the night before we moved, I had my first panic attack. I was lying in bed and all of a sudden, for no reason what so ever, my heart started jumping out of my chest. I was trembling uncontrollably and could feel my pulse actually below my sternum where my aorta would be and I thought, "I'd better get to the emergency room, NOW." I thought I was having a heart attack or an aortic anurism. After a full night in the ER and every test imaginable, they determined there was NOTHING wrong with me.
Another story on this site reminded me so much of myself that I felt compelled to share my experiences. I recently had a beautiful, healthy baby and felt so blessed. I have security, a loving spouse, and we are building a home right now. Life is great, right? Last summer, at breakfast, I noticed a sharp pain in my neck, followed by shortness of breath, racing heart, and blurred vision. I knew I was dying...what else could be happening to me?
I remember a therapist saying first you survive and then you thrive. I had a very traumatic childhood and its taken a lot of years to face the effects of that, take responsibility for my well-being and be willing to accept whatever help I needed to do that. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and my mom has OCD and other anxiety disorders. I'm never quite sure what is in your genes and what is learned behavior and I guess it really doesn't matter except to say that I had OCD tendencies as a kid (counting my steps, setting up specific routines - I think they call them "rituals" - stuff like that) and I later used alcohol to self-medicate emotional pain. Depression and general anxiety were so much a part of my life that I didn't even recognize them as "abnormal" until I was an adult.
My experience with panic/anxiety goes back many years.. My father was a functional alcholic and I believe suffered from anxiety and self medicated. Though I had many traumas, being attacked at age 12, in a major car accident at age 18, parents divorce, etc. I have always noticed that I felt strange both when things excited me or stressed me. At age 18 after the car accident I started having feelings related to panic. Often feeling disconnected. It really came to a head when I gave birth to my second child and was in a bad marriage, had two little kids to care for and support etc. Many doctors and tests later it was determined that I was stressed! I would actually see colors in my sleep and any noise such as the phone ringing would make me jump. I felt like my entire nervous system was on high drive.. crawely skin, racing heart, noise and light sensitivity, etc.
I will be 49 years old on January 29th, 2005, and I can't believe I've made it this far.
I was raised in a small North Dakota town. My mother was an old-school Catholic and my father, though raised Catholic and considering himself to be devout, seemed to me to be along for the ride. He never displayed any genuine sense of spiritual understanding or conviction, at least not as long as they didn't assure that he would be 100% comfortable for the rest of his life. He was indifferent.
On a winter’s night in December 1989 after a very emotional time, I suffered from a panic attack. All I could do was to lay with my boyfriend until it subsides. I felt my life was ending and the dread I felt was unbelievable! I carried on suffering until I got pregnant, maybe hormones have something to do with it? (coz they seemed to vanish overnight!) Can’t be pregnant forever though, can you? *sigh*
Posted by: Stephanie1014 on Sunday, December 05, 2004
Hi! I'm Stephanie and I’m 25 years old living in North Dakota. Yes, North Dakota! I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder w/o agoraphobia back in 2000. My parents sold our childhood home and moved to the lakes in northern Minnesota. Sounds great right. Not at the time. I started having these feelings of terrible anxiety, but at the time I didn't know what it was and I didn't know how to control the problem. Because of this I completely fell apart.
