Anxiety - It began in the Shower...

I thought it might be a good idea to put my anxiety history in words, as much for myself as for anyone reading along.

I am 48 years old. My anxiety began (as it often does) after some major life changes. I was married in October of 1983. A week before our wedding, after a final wedding dress fitting, the phone rang. It was my grandfather telling me to let my mom know that my dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. He would require open heart surgery. The day AFTER my wedding, we left Buffalo, NY and moved to Atlanta, GA since my husband had gotten a job there. So, although my dad was told NOT to stay long at my wedding reception and not to walk me down the aisle, he DID walk me. We held hands instead of the usual arm through arm. I was so worried about him that entire day. I had my dance with dad and all the pictures, but then he had to leave. I worried during my reception that my dad was home alone. The next day, I had to wave good-bye to my family, knowing my dad was a time bomb until he had the surgery, and leave everything I knew and loved behind.

I had worked for 6 years as a legal secretary with a great lawfirm in Buffalo. One of the partners actually gave me a week at his condo in Hilton Head as a wedding gift, which we used as our honeymoon after dropping off our stuff from the u-haul at our new apartment in Marietta, GA. I loved the apartment which was in a complex on a lake with ducks and wildlife. I landed a legal secretarial job immediately with the biggest firm in Atlanta. I was making BIG money compared to the Buffalo job I left behind. It was horribly humid in Atlanta and it made me feel lousy. My dad's surgery was scheduled and I wouldn't be there.

One night, while in the shower, I became so lightheaded and dizzy, I got out of the shower with shampoo in my hair, yelling for help and laid on the waterbed freaking out! I didn't know what the hell was going on! That was my first panic attack. I was 24. I had always been a worrier... always worried about everything. I remember being 15, sitting on the front porch waiting for my older brother to get home safely on a Friday night. He was a smart kid, there was no real reason for my worry. I was afraid inwardly, but it didn't show. I thought it was normal, I guess. I didn't question it. On the outside, I was popular. There were lots of high school boyfriends. I was the vice-president of my student counsel and rented cottages in Ontario with 13 girlfriends every summer for at least a week. We drank beer and laughed a lot. But in the back of my mind, even then, was worry that everything was ok at home. Looking back, I see that it was fear of abandonment.... what happens to ME if something happens to my family? My mom was overprotective of her 3 kids. She did EVERYTHING for us and didn't prepare us for adulthood. When I got to Atlanta, I had no idea how to do laundry, cook or keep a household budget. Marriage was a slap of reality for me.

During my 14 years of marriage so much happened. My anxiety interfered with everything I did. I worked (with spotty attendance) at the Atlanta lawfirm until I convinced my husband that I needed to get back to Buffalo. I was taking a subway to work with panic attack after panic attack in a city full of strangers. We ended up back home within one year of our move to Atlanta. I worked at my old lawfirm for awhile until my anxiety got impossible. I went from neurologists to internists to accupuncturists, trying to find the cause of the dizziness and racing heart. One doctor told me that I just needed some valium and to forget about it. HUH?? EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAVE A FREIGHT TRAIN RUNNING THROUGH MY BODY! I was told I was healthy and that it was all in my head. (Peachy huh?) My husband became a fireman, didn't make much money and I tried like hell to keep income coming into the house. I typed at home, I worked part-time at a lawfirm close to home. I gave birth to my son, Michael, in 1988. My dad had his surgery. It gave him 5 more years of life. At age 59, he died from a pulmonary embolism following caratoid artery blockage surgery. He had a stroke during the surgery and survived unable to speak, eat, or acknowledge his family for a week and died on May 1, 1989. He had been a great dad. Soft spoken, hard-working, funny guy. I miss him so much even now, 19 years later. My husband couldn't measure up to my dad. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe I expected him to be a good husband and father like mine was. My husband was a heavy drinker, very common here in blue-collar Buffalo. He didn't understand why I was unable to work steadily. He stayed out late with his buddies. I couldn't count on him for anything except criticism. He was EXCELLENT at that. I was told I was "useless", "dumb", "unsociable", "rotten" for missing family events, "lazy", "a sponge", "too fat", "too thin". I couldn't do anything right. Luckily, he travelled some with a job before becoming a fireman, and my time alone with my son in his early years were good for me and Michael. My daughter was born in 1992. Shortly after that, I crashed. I became housebound. I had no appetite. I stayed in bed a lot. I went from 150 lbs to 98 lbs over the period of about a year. My mom would come over every day to help me with kids. My son was in school right across the street from our home. I couldn't drive, sleep, cook or clean. On rare occasions when I did cook (to avoid being yelled at by Mr. Big) I prepared meals while sitting on the kitchen floor because the dizziness was so bad and it caused my heart to race over 120 beats per minute. I was a mess. I literally used my daughter's umbrella stroller and pushed it in the house when I tried to walk even from the living room to the bathroom. Picture that! Pushing an empty stroller around to try to steady myself!

With no diagnosis other than TMJ, a jaw joint disorder which can cause dizziness, I began counseling with a social worker. For 3 years, I went to her and discussed old hurt, childhood issues, anger at my husband. Sometimes I had to do my appointments by phone. Insurance didn't cover any of it, giving my husband the opportunity to call me a "sponge" for using household money for myself. Yes, he had to do a lot. He shopped, did wash, cooked (if you want to call it that), and cared for kids along with work. I'm sure it sucked for him. But I felt I was slowly dying and had no one to lean on other than my mom and older brother who lived in California and also has anxiety. He was conquering his problem with counseling alone. I did the same for 2 1/2 years and eventually gave in and tried Xanax. Now, it was official. I HAD ANXIETY, AGORAPHOBIA, and PANIC DISORDER ~ a party pack of fun for all! That first Xanax changed everything. It's a short-acting medication and I remember laying in bed and when my mother came in I said "Mom, I feel a little peaceful!" We both cried at the thought of my getting well. My doctor sent me to a psychiatrist to manage further medication. He added Zoloft for depression. Well, the weight came back in a hurry, but so did parts of my life, so I didn't care! Slowly, I began spending days with the kids WITHOUT my mother's help. I felt terribly inadequate and weak for "needing" drugs to cope, but the psychiatrist explained that it's a chemical problem in the brain that causes depression and to some extent, anxiety. Further history to follow in my next post. (Stay with me, reader... there's hope!)

Anxiety

Anxiety/Panic Disorder - if you have it, you know it! Thinking that others "get it" is just not so. Sufferers go for years and years not understanding their own body or mind. Some turn to pills, others to alcohol or drugs as an escape, and still others retreat deeper into their own self-doubt. We're not crazy! We are scared and we don't know why.

The doctor looks at us with raised eyebrows as we list our symptoms. We ALL know our symptoms better than we know anything else in our lives. They are any or all of the following: increased heart rate, sweating like a pig, feeling like we're going to pass out, feeling like we're going to do something that will draw attention to ourselves, feeling like we're going to die, dizziness, vision disturbances, loss of balance, racing thoughts and millions of "what if..." thoughts, feeling like "I've got to get out of here!", rapid breathing, shallow breathing, fear that we'll STOP breathing, chest pain, headache...... (I'm exhausted just from typing the list!)

I've suffered for over 20 years with anxiety. The good news is that I understand it now and I've read just about everything I could get my hands on. Now it's time to share it, write about it and learn from one another.

Journey with me toward wellness. We'll help each other, ok?