The Happiness Project

Happiness interview with Nina Smith.

During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. So from time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness.

One of my happiness-project resolutions is to “Bring people together,” and I also love being on the receiving end of that resolution. My friend Marci Alboher is famous for her ability to make helpful and fun introductions. Through Marci, I met (virtually) Nina Smith, who founded the popular site Queer Cents. It’s a personal finance site (think WiseBread or Get Rich Slowly) with a twist: “We’re here, we’re queer, and we’re not going shopping without coupons.” One of the topics that interests me most in happiness is the complex relationship between money and happiness. Nina has done a lot of thinking about exactly this topic, and on the topic of happiness generally.

Gretchen: What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Nina: Happiness does not need a lot of conditions.

Gretchen: Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Nina: I am what I eat. I’m still trying to master how to make better food choices and practice portion-control so that the relationship between what I eat and how I feel improves.

Gretchen: Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve find very helpful? Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
Nina: Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Happiness is there, only our capacity of enjoying it is in question.” I am responsible for my own happiness and it is a state that I can actively change for the better.

Gretchen: If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Nina: It depends why I’m feeling blue. Sometimes blue might have more to do with feeling lonely or isolated – this was especially true when I moved away from my family and lived alone as a young adult. Back then, my happiness boost was getting out of my apartment and being around other people. Often times, it was as simple as walking to the neighborhood coffeehouse to read a book or write something in my journal. Chatting briefly with the server, catching a smile from a stranger, and listening to music was enough to infuse my mood with brighter colors on a long and lonely weekend.

I always like to remind myself that feeling blue is momentary. These days, my blue is less about loneliness and more about strain that comes with balancing work and life commitments. It’s strange how a decade, middle age, and creating a family can change my perspective on things. My mood boost now is exercise: I took up running shortly after turning forty and I run at least 3 miles on as many mornings as possible. A bad mood has less of a chance of sabotaging my day when I fit in a run.

Gretchen: Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Nina: People with regrets seem to be less content than those that live life in such a way as to not have regrets. When we fully participate in the present, it is easier to let go of our past mistakes, failures and lost opportunities. The present is the place that’s filled with hope and possibilities and in my opinion, happiness.

Gretchen: Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
Nina: People love to say that money can’t buy happiness. For me personally, money buys a certain amount of happiness. Perhaps this is a predictable view since I blog about money but from my vantage point, money definitely buys comfort, ease and security; and I know this contributes to my happiness. I remember when I didn’t have money. It was hard to be happy when I was worried about how I was going to pay my bills and basic necessities.

You once wrote that this “money buys happiness” view depends partly on how we spend our money. I’ve never been a consumer for the sake of consuming and thinking this purchase or that purchase will make me happy. Rather, I spend money on experiences and my daily surroundings in an attempt to live a simple, but beautiful life.

Also, I only spend money that I have by living within my means. Here’s an example: my partner and I spent $85,000 over the last couple of years on fertility treatments and then the adoption process. While our newborn son brings me incredible joy, it would have been harder for me to be “happy” today if we had used credit cards or a home equity line instead of our savings to pay for all those expenses. To be completely candid, I probably would have elected to forgo “parenting” if it meant going into debt to do this… some people might not understand, but I know what contributes to my happiness and debt would have prevented me from being a happy parent. Right now we’re working on starting his college fund… and socking away money for his education will make me a very happy mom over the next 18 years.

By the way, The American published an excellent article in 08: Can Money Buy Happiness? Your readers might find the commentary to be of interest.

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I had a lot of fun writing a list of Ten Blogs and One Site That Will Boost Your Happiness for Blogs.com.

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I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com -- no need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Relationships: Eight tips for dealing with criticism.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for dealing with criticism.

I have a very hard time being criticized, corrected, or accused – even of the smallest mistakes – and I react very angrily. I’ve wrestled this instinct under control in a professional context, more or less, but I have more trouble with it at home. All it takes is for the Big Girl to say something like, “You forgot to remind me to bring my library book,” to send me into a tirade. “What do you mean…it’s not my responsibility…I didn’t know Wednesday was Library Day…” etc., etc.

More and more, I see the connection between perfectionism, control, and anger. Zoikes, how I try to be more mild-mannered and easy-going! Here are some of the strategies that I try to use to accept criticism. If I manage to use them, they never fail me, but it can be hard to have the mindfulness needed to apply them.

1. Listen to what a critic is saying. Really listen, try to understand that point of view, don’t just nod while you formulate your retorts.

2. Don’t be defensive. This is the toughest step for me. With my writing, for example, I always have to take a deep breath before reading an edit letter or meeting with an editor, to remind myself, “I welcome criticism. This person is helping me. I’m eager to hear how to improve my book/article/post.” Act the way you want to feel! That’s my Third Commandment. Along the same lines…

3. Don’t fire back by criticizing your critic. Your comments will just sound defensive, and you’ll escalate the exchange. This urge is very difficult to resist, because the impulse to justify and attack is strong when you feel criticized, but it just isn’t helpful, and it certainly isn’t effective.

4. Delay your reaction. Count to ten, take a deep breath, sleep on it, wait until the next day to send that email…any kind of delay is good. A friend told me that she has a rule for herself: when she’s upset about something that happened at her children’s school, she won’t let herself do anything about it for three days – and usually she decides that no action is better than action.

5. Explain honestly the reason for your actions. Sometimes it’s tempting to re-characterize your actual feelings and motives. Usually, though, that just complicates things more. It becomes impossible to have an honest exchange.

6. Admit your mistakes. This is extremely effective and disarming. When I got my first job, my father told me, “If you take the blame, you’ll get the responsibility.” I’ve found that to be very true. Difficult, but true. Admitting mistakes is the first step, then…

7. Explain what you’ve learned. If you can show a critic that you’ve learned something, you prove that you’ve understood the criticism and tried to act on it. That, itself, usually mollifies critics.

8. Enjoy the fun of failure. Re-frame the issue entirely to embrace criticism. Fact is, trying new things and aiming high opens you to criticism. I tell myself to Enjoy the fun of failure to try to re-frame failure and criticism as part of the fun. Otherwise, my dread of criticism can paralyze me.

What am I overlooking? Have you found any other strategies that work for you?

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I just came across an interesting blog -- Work Life Love. Many of my favorite topics.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

In which I address the controversy that has been brewing, unbenownst to me, on my blog for four days.

Holy cow! I’ve been scrambling to meet an editing deadine for my book, so for once I haven’t been obsessively checking my blog every few hours – and controversy erupts. I’m very sorry that I seemed to be ignoring commenters. Never again will I allow myself to disengage this way, even overnight.

Let me explain what happened. After a post a few days ago about John’s letter from his mother, several people wrote comments that were harsh characterizations of John’s mother – inferring from her letter the kind of mother she’d been and how she might have acted in the past.

The letter was on my blog, and I’d made my own comment about it, so it was appropriate for people to comment honestly, with their own views.

Nevertheless, I felt terrible. I’d read the letter very differently from those commenters, and their interpretation hadn’t occurred to me AT ALL. By posting the letter, without anticipating it, I had exposed two people to severe public criticism, and in particular, a person I thought was acting laudably. What’s more, I worried that posting the letter and opening the door to this criticism would interfere with an admirable attempt by two people to heal a rift. (No matter what you think of John or John’s mother, you have to admit that they are both TRYING to behave lovingly at this point, which I think counts for a lot.)

I was just sick about having thoughtlessly brought these two people into this situation. John had sent me the letter and suggested posting it – but still. I was the agent that had permitted this to occur.

As a consequence, I reacted in the moment and took down all the comments -- there were about twelve, many of which struck me as very harsh. Even as I was doing it, a little voice murmured, “Think it over! Wait an hour, don’t react in the moment, this is a bad idea.” But the thought of John and his mother reading my blog and feeling horrible upset me so much that I went ahead and deleted the comments.

As that little voice predicted, I soon regretted my action. (Note to self: always listen to that little voice.) The commenters had taken the time and effort carefully to explain their own views and insights, and I had wiped that away, without any warning or explanation. I’d been so focused on my own distress at the thought of upsetting John and his mother that I didn’t think about the effect of my deletions on the commenters.

Therefore, not much later, I decided I wouldn’t delete any more comments, but would let any new ones stand. I should have written an explanation on my blog at that point, but I didn't. Just then, I got caught up in re-writing the introduction of my book, a task that requires enormous concentration. I remembered to post, because that’s part of my daily work, but I didn't allow myself the distraction of checking my blog (I have to admit, checking my blog is an activity that I often use as a procrastination tool, and it feels like "fun" that I could cut out at a crunch time).

Lesson learned: I won’t do delete comments this way again, and I’ll read comments regularly. (This is so ironic! I read comments CONSTANTLY, and this is practically the one time I didn’t. Aargh.)

I’ve never faced this kind of question before; the single time I’d ever deleted a comment was about two years ago, when, out of the blue, someone posted a horrible racist joke, which I took down immediately. People have posted some mean things about me, but I never considered deleting those. (Here is one of my favorite exchanges, if you’re interested.)

I learned something else. Of course, I always ask readers’ permission to post something they wrote, but now I’m going to warn them that comments are sometimes critical, and if comments are critical, I will leave them up. At least that way they’ll be prepared and will know my policy (and so will I). Also, when I post something like this letter, I’m going to add a note to readers, reminding everyone that the people under discussion are actual, ordinary people. It can feel like you’re discussing Jennifer Anniston -- nope! These aren’t public figures, who have developed a tough skin, put themselves in the limelight, and don’t read everything that’s written about them -- and so it behooves us all to keep a gentle tone. And I will be far, far more reluctant to post notes from readers.

Okay, that's more than you wanted to know! One commenter gently reminded me of my own Tenth Commandment: Do what ought to be done. I hope that now I have. Thanks so much, readers, for your comments and for helping me clarify how to be a more responsible and responsive blogger. I hope you'll keep reading.

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One of my first blog friends, the wildly creative Danielle LaPorte, has just launched a new blog, White Hot Truth. Can’t wait to see what she comes up with as she moves forward.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner of my blog.

The happiness of learning something new: what is RSS, anyway?

One of my happiness-project resolutions is “Learn how to do something new,” and I’ve had several readers email me to ask about RSS and Feedblitz updates. As happiness experts explain, “learning something new” is an excellent way of boosting happiness – though it usually means an uncomfortable period of frustration and discouragement, too. If you’re in the mood to “learn something new,” in this case about RSS and other ways of “subscribing” to blogs, read on:

Wondering what the heck RSS is?
RSS stands for “Real Simple Syndication.” If you’ve been mystified about that orange box with the white curves that appears on blogs everywhere, that’s the most common button for RSS sign-up. I have no idea how RSS actually works, but that doesn’t matter, because it’s actually easy to use.

This is how I think about it: Visiting a blog is like buying a magazine at a newsstand; using RSS is like getting a home subscription (except RSS is free) -- you read the same content, and it’s delivered to you directly on your RSS reader.

RSS is handy if you read a lot of blogs. If you find yourself with a long list of favorite blogs to jump amongst, or if you follow a certain industry so need to check in with various sites periodically, or if you want to keep a list of blogs you like so you won’t forget one, RSS is very handy.

To use RSS, you need to sign up for an RSS reader – e.g., Google Reader (which I use), Bloglines. Then, when you want to add a blog to your list, you sign up to get updates through RSS (to use the magazine metaphor, to get the latest issue). After that, whenever that blog has new content, it’s sent to your reader. When you feel like catching up on your reading, you can go to your reader, and everything is updated, organized, and waiting for you.

Even though I have an RSS reader, sometimes I go to the actual blogs. One downside of using RSS is that you just get the update (much like getting a blog update into your email, see below). Sometimes it’s fun to go to the blog and see the whole site. On my blog, I have a lot of material in the sidebars that doesn’t show up in an RSS reader or in Feedblitz.

The upside of using an RSS reader is that you can zip through a lot of content very fast. It’s a very good way of organizing your reading.

If you want to try RSS, first sign up for a reader (e.g., Google Reader, Bloglines). Once you have a reader, you follow the instructions for adding a particular blog to your list. Lots of sites have buttons that show that they have RSS feeds available. The most common one is the orange box with white waves, like the one at the top-left-hand corner of my blog, but there are many others as well.

You can click the RSS button and follow the instructions, or paste in the URL of the blog you want to follow or the URL of its feed. It depends on your situation. When you’re doing it, this is a lot less confusing than it sounds.

I’m not very tech savvy myself, and I hesitated a long time before using a reader. Fortunately, it’s one of those tools that turns out to be fairly easy to use, once you get started. One day, I just held my nose, signed up, and fiddled around until I figured it out. But don’t feel like an idiot if it’s a bit awkward at first. It took me a while to get comfortable on it.

Want to use email instead?
Now, maybe you don’t feel like “Learning something new” and dealing with RSS, but you like the idea of getting updates. With many blogs, like this one, you can sign up to get updates sent to you though email. If you’d like to do that with this blog, go to the upper-right-hand corner of this blog and sign up through the Feedblitz box. (Never fear, you can unsubscribe any time, and I would never share the list.) Thousands of people use this method to get my blog updates, and it’s very handy if you like to route material through your email in-box.

Be warned, however: lately I’ve been having a problem with Typepad that means that people are getting duplicative Feedblitz emails. I’m working HARD to get this resolved, and Typepad is working on it, so I hope this problem will be fixed soon. If you’re annoyed by getting the extra emails, please bear with me! If you like the idea of email updates, but don’t want to get one every day, you can sign up for my monthly newsletter, which is a round-up of the best material from the previous month.

A lot of people complain about getting too many emails. If you feel that way, an advantage of RSS is that it allows you to get targeted updates outside your email.

That's everything I know about RSS. As I say, I'm no tech expert. Please add a comment if there's anything that I've explained poorly or am just flat wrong about.

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My RSS reader includes Cognitive Daily -- it highlights interesting studies that I might otherwise miss. Today, for example, it describes a study about babies using sign language. This subject interests me, because we used baby sign language with both our daughters, and it's FANTASTIC! It's absolutely amazing to be able to communicate with your baby. The first time the Big Girl did the sign for "hungry"...I almst fainted.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Happiness quotation from Christopher Alexander (last time).

This is the third time in a row that I've included a long quotation from Christopher Alexander as my weekly quotation. Last time, I promise!

Here, Alexander is talking about architecture, but I think it's fascinating to think about his point in relationship to the elements of a happy life.

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But then I read a passage in an ancient Chinese painting manual—the Mustard Seed Garden manual of painting—which made the situation clear to me.

The writer of that manual describes how, in his search for a way of painting, he had discovered for himself the same central way that thousands of others like him had also discovered for themselves, throughout the course of history. He says that the more one understands of painting, the more one recognizes that the art of painting is essentially one way, which will always be discovered and rediscovered, over and over again, because it is connected with the very nature of painting, and must be discovered by anybody who takes painting seriously. The idea of style is meaningless: what we see as a style (of a person or of an age) is nothing but another individual effort to penetrate the central secret of painting, which is given by the Tao, but cannot itself be named.

The more I learn about towns and buildings, the more I feel the same thing to be true. It is true that many of the historic styles of building have some quality in common – they have it not because they are old, but because man has, over and over again, approached the secret which is at the heart of architecture. In fact, the principles which make a building good, are simple and direct – they follow directly from the nature of human beings, and the laws of nature – and any person who penetrates these laws will, as he does so, come closer and closer to this great tradition, in which man has sought for the same thing, over and over again, and come always to the same conclusions.
--Christopher Alexander

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Dan Schawbel, the personal-brand guru who writes the Personal Branding Blog and who wrote Me 2.0, was kind enough to do an interview with me. Interesting questions.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Relationships and love: Read this letter from a reader's mother.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A new year has just begun, the traditional time to turn over a new leaf -- a happiness-project endeavor.

One of the challenges of a happiness project is overcoming the conviction that nothing and no one can change. Another challenge is overcoming the disappointment you feel when you try to change, but no one notices your efforts. What's the point, you may ask, when no one thanks me for clearing all the clutter? When no one knows how hard it was for me to keep my temper? When no one appreciates my efforts to plan something fun? This is a real problem for me. I crave those gold stars.

Even St. Therese of Lisieux remarked in The Story of a Soul, “I noticed this: when one performs her duty, never excusing herself, no one knows it; on the contrary, imperfections appear immediately.”

If all this rings a bell, read on. A thoughtful reader in his late 20's -- I've changed his name -- emailed me a copy of a letter he got from his mother. I got tears in my eyes when I read it. People can change, people do appreciate your efforts, things can turn happier. In his email to me, "John" explained how happy this letter made him. That reminded me of my Second Splendid Truth:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

Here's a copy of the letter John received from his mother:

This past Christmas visit was one that I will remember and cherish
forever. You were the John that I always remembered before age 11. I
thought he had gone somewhere else never to return. You were patient,
kind, and loving. You acted like you wanted to be around us, instead
of hiding in your room with your computer for hours on end. I only
hope that you enjoyed this visit as much as we did.

I wanted to tell you THANK YOU SO MUCH for the great present. It
is the first time any son of mine has ever spent that much money on
me...or even gotten me a gift that was reciprical to the ones I had
given them. I don't know if you know, but my language of love is
gifts....so I DO get very disappointed when I put tons of thought, and
money into getting cool gifts for people, and they give me nothing I
want back...or give me something WAY LESS in value than what I gave
them. I love giving the gifts as well...and making sure it is
something you will delight in!! I have become a cool listener for
when people throw out ideas they think they would like to get...and I
can remember that all year...and I surprise them at Christmas or
birthday time. It is a passion of mine.

I cannot tell you how delighted your gift certificate to Amazon
has made me. I am thrilled about it....just as thrilled as you have
been with your new watch!! I still want to do a dance about it!!

I wanted also to let you know that a miracle has happened. I
never thought in my wildest dreams that you could let go of the anger
you possessed against me over the years that pent up due to mostly
misunderstandings, and not knowing the whole story on your part, and
negative self talk. You had said you were wiping the slate clean and
starting over in our relationship...and you had given that to me in
2007 for my birthday. I did not believe that your firmly held anger
and resentment against me would not flare up....on the next
occasion...and we would be back where we started....so I have been
waiting for the angry John to emerge. But, I have not seen or felt the
anger you used to hold, and the contempt in your voice, and the
calling me on every little nuance is gone....and you are delightful to
be around!!! I may have not noticed it so much had the other 2
brothers been around...but it was great to truly be forgiven by
you....

I wanted to thank you also for your patience with me on learning
the pictures on the computer. It was 2am, and you had to get up
early...but I felt no anger, stress or urgency in your voice. Your
father would have thrown up his hands, and stomped out of the room!!
He has little patience when trying to teach me the computer....so I
try to plug along hanging on to what I know, and praying the computer
will not break so I have to disturb him to fix it.
It was great to have an eager, willing and patient teacher. I have
never known a patient teacher regarding the computer.!!

The love you showed me in this short time we had is OVERWHELMING.
I have not felt that from you since you were 8-10 years old. It makes
me cry even now when I think about it. I think I may be getting back
the son that I have prayed would return to me for so many years....it
is a miracle.

I tell you, I will never forget these past 3 days....and all that
they have meant to me. You are a very special and wonderful person,
John. I am glad you are back. I have missed you for so long.
Love you, Mom

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The incomparable Leo Babauta, a blog pal of mine who writes the insanely popular blog Zen Habits, has a new book that just came out two days ago, but is already generating a huge amount of buzz: The Power of Less: The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential...in Business and in Life. I can't wait to get started.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

The secret to keeping your New Year's resolutions -- is there a magic formula?

From articles in the New York Times today, Alex Williams's New Year, New You? Nice Try and Ken Belson's As Resolutions Go, Spending Less May Actually Stick, I gleaned some statistics about resolutions-keeping:

---According to one survey, the top three resolutions made by Americans in 2009 are:
1. Losing weight -- 20%
2. Quitting smoking -- 16%
3. Spending less -- 12%
---About 80% of people who make resolutions stop keeping them by mid-February.
---Two-thirds of dieters gain back any lost weight within a year.
---Many people make and break the same resolution year after year.

These facts are pretty discouraging. Does that mean it's pointless to make a new year's resolution? I don't think so. You'll never succeed unless you try, so you might as well try.

If you really want change, THINK about it, plan it, probe it, keep yourself accountable, have a plan -- don't just reflexively say "This year I'm really going to learn to cook" and expect it to happen.

For example, in my case, I have a huge number of resolutions related to my happiness-project, and those I've managed to keep, more or less, or I've decided to discard them. The Resolutions Chart (see below) played a huge role in my ability to keep them, because I framed my resolutions as manageable, concrete tasks; I scored myself to give myself accountability; by reviewing the chart each day, I kept my resolutions uppermost in my mind.

Now, of course, my entire Happiness Project is based on resolutions-keeping, so I'm biased. I love resolutions. But it's true, they're hard to keep. I often comfort myself with the thought of the patron saints of resolutions -- Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Johnson, and St. Therese of Liseiux -- who talked often about how they failed to live up to their resolutions. But they still thought it was a worthwhile endeavor.

Ben Franklin wrote: “…on the whole, though I never arrived at the perfection I had been so ambitious of obtaining, but fell far short of it, yet as I was, by the endeavor, a better and a happier man than I otherwise should have been had I not attempted it.”

My New Year's resolution for 2009? To entertain more. Somehow, this resolution didn't make it onto my official happiness-project Resolutions Chart. Big mistake. I've made and broken this resolution for at least seven years. Ah, but this year will be different...

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One of the great pleasures of my vacation was that I got to do a lot of reading. If you are Narnia/C.S. Lewis fan, I highly recommend Laura Miller's The Magician's Book. If you love reading a good novel -- one that is beautifully written, has fascinating characters, and a lot of suspense -- I highly recommend Marisha Pessl's Special Topics in Calamity Physics. I have to admit, this was a novel that reviewers kept saying was terrific, and I developed a kind of aversion to it. Why does that happen to me? I have no idea. But guess what, it really IS a fantastic novel.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

New Year's Resolution: Four tips for writing your personal commandments.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Four tips for writing your personal commandments.

I’m doing a happiness project, and you could have one, too. Join in! Start your own! January 1 is a great time to try something new, to turn over a new leaf. Forty-four percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, and I certainly always do.

In starting your happiness project, you might begin by writing your personal Commandments. I've posted about this before, but because this exercise was one of the most challenging -- and most helpful and fun – tasks that I did in preparation for my happiness project, I'm posting about it again. It's really worth doing.

Here are my Twelve Commandments:
1. Be Gretchen.
2. Let it go.
3. Act the way I want to feel.
4. Do it now.
5. Be polite and be fair.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Spend out.
8. Identify the problem.
9. Lighten up.
10. Do what ought to be done.
11. No calculation.
12. There is only love.

So how do you come up with your own list?

First: Listen to what’s buzzing in your brain.
When I look at my Twelve Commandments, I realize that five of them are actually quotations from other people. My father repeatedly reminds me to “Enjoy the process.” A respected boss told me to “Be polite and be fair.” A good friend told me that she’d decided that “There is only love” in her heart for a difficult person. “No calculation” is a paraphrase of St. Therese (“When one loves, one does not calculate”), and “Act the way I want to feel” is a paraphrase of William James.

Second: Follow the metaphor.
When I was working on my biography of Churchill, Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, I was repeatedly struck by the literary quality of his life – how rich it was in symbols, foreshadowing, motifs, all the elements of the novel.

I came to believe that this was true of my life, too, I just wasn’t paying attention. As Keats wrote, “A Man’s life of any worth is a continual allegory – and very few eyes can see the Mystery of his life…a life like the scriptures, figurative.”

So you might find that your commandments would be better expressed through metaphor. Consider Howell Raines’ commandments, from Fly Fishing Through the Midlife Crisis:

“Rule One: Always be careful about where you fish and what you fish for and whom you fish with.
Rule Two: Be even more careful about what you take home and what you throw back.
Rule Three: The point of all fishing is to become ready to fly fish.
Rule Four: The point of fly fishing is to become reverent in the presence of art and nature.
Rule Five: The Redneck Way and Blalock’s Way run along the same rivers, but they do not come out at the same place.”

Third: Aim high and fight the urge to be too comprehensive.
I’ve found that my commandments help me most when I review them at least daily, to keep them fresh in my mind, and to do this, it helps to keep the list short and snappy. I suspect that Twelve Commandments is too much. Maybe I only need two, “Be Gretchen” and “There is only love.”

After all, Jesus got down to two commandments. When asked, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40.

Fourth: Think about what's true for YOU.
Each person’s list will differ. One person resolves to "Say yes," another person resolves to "Say no." You need to think about YOURSELF, your values, your strengths and weaknesses, your interests.

Whenever I write about commandments, people post their own lists in response, and it's always fascinating and inspiring to see what they've chosen. Here are some commandments that other people have adopted. Some might work for you, or spur your own thoughts.

Forget the past.
Do stuff.
Talk to strangers.
Stay in touch.
Make haste to be kind.
Don't wait.
Action, not reaction.
Always with love.
Baby steps.
Reverence.
Recognize my patterns.
Be present.
Don't rehearse unhappiness. [This is one that I really need to think about!]
Live your values.
The more the merrier.
Love is all around.
Notice the color purple.
Friends are more important than sex.
Choose not to take things personally.
Be loving and love will find you.
Encourage others.
Enjoy simplicity.
Rejoice in beauty.
Deeds not words.
Slow down.
Please yourself.
Nothing lasts.
Music helps.
Only a bore is bored.
Do something different.
Consider the source.
Be the fun.
Cut your losses.

If you come up with your own set, please consider posting them. It's very valuable for me and other readers -- seeing other people’s commandments helps clarify what our own commandments need to be.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

What you can learn about happiness from bullfighting.

I do a lot of reading, and one of the few downsides to that habit is that I often lose track of the source of an idea or phrase. I’ve spent hours trying to track down an anecdote or a fact that didn’t strike me as important when I read it, but that later on, I wanted to look at more closely.

Sometimes I even jot down a note without remembering to include the source. For example, I’m very intrigued with a new word: querencia. Where the heck did I come across it? I thought perhaps it was the name of a short story discussed in Francine Prose’s Reading Like a Writer, but I can’t find it there. Oh well. For some reason, the word caught my eye, and I spent some time tracking down its meaning.

During a bull fight, the bull will sometimes stake out a particular part of the ring where it feels safe: its querencia. Perhaps it’s a corner, in a square field, or perhaps it’s a place where the bull successfully toppled a horse. Whenever the bull has a chance, it will return to its querencia.

This is a term that has great metaphoric resonance.

Each of us should find our own querencia, our sanctuary, a place to which we can retreat from the lances that pursue us. Maybe that querencia is a place, like a bedroom or a bikepath – or a mental area of refuge – or a frame of mind.

But the useful metaphor doesn’t stop there.

Apparently, the bull is often most fierce and unpredictable when it’s fighting its way to its querencia. Sometimes, perhaps, it’s so important to us to gain our querencia that we’re hurtful when anyone blocks our way. Maybe it’s so important to believe that a marriage is strong that we ignore what a spouse is saying. Maybe it’s so important to believe that a child is well-adjusted that we don’t understand what a teacher means.

Also, although the bull feels safer in its querencia, its querencia didn’t necessarily afford it any greater protection from the matador.

So what’s the lesson? Identify your querencia, find comfort in it -- but use it as a strong base, not a hiding place.

This is very relevant to me these days, because I read Munro Leaf's wonderful book, The Story of Ferdinand, at least once each day to the Little Girl. Now, Ferdinand was a bull who had found his querencia.

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Zoikes, this Smashing Magazine post has some amazing photographs of split-second events.

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Reflection: Take Questionnaires to Help Develop Insights Into Yourself.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I’m a big believer in using milestone moments as cues for evaluation and reflection. Hitting a milestone like a major birthday, marriage, the death of a parent, the birth of a child, the loss of a job, an important reunion, or the accomplishment of a career marker like getting tenure or making partner, often acts as a catalyst for positive change.

The new year is, of course, a milestone that we all share. The tradition of making New Year’s resolutions reflects the fact that a lot of us want the change in the calendar to prompt a change in our lives.

If you’d like to do some self-reflection, but you’re not sure exactly how to get started, check out the questionnaires on the University of Pennsylvania’s Authentic Happiness site. It has nineteen scientifically tested questionnaires that cover your overall happiness, your character strengths, your optimism, your perseverance, your compassion, and many other aspects of your life and character.

Even if you don’t agree with the scores you get, merely taking the test and seeing the results helps to act as a catalyst for self-reflection. Plus it’s fun – I love taking these kinds of tests.

Have you found other methods to spur self-reflection and to build self-knowledge?

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.