Blog Entries for scoutty

The problem with self talk

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 23:00:00 +0100

So I have been trying the positive self talk and just trying to relax while the anxiety is there. Problem is it's there all the time! It's exhausting! I have a hope that eventually it will just become natural to talk it away. But I feel that when I am in it, it's such a strong force that no matter how hard I try I can't help myself get through. This is when I feel having this disorder is hopeless. everyone says you have to go through these s [...]

fear of going crazy

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I haven't been on this site or posted for months bc I was feeling better. Anxiety was with me but I was doing what I needed to do and was even doing fun things from time to time.

in the last few days I've been feeling worse. I used to be afraid of dying now I can't stop thinking about "what if I go crazy" I know this is part of anxiety but I fear that I may have some other disorder. Anyone else ever feel this way? I just feel like I wa [...]

Setbacks

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I have been doing fairly well lately. Been able to go about my daily routine with little anxiety for a few weeks. The last few days tho I feel that I am crashing again. Sometimes it's so tiring just trying to fight everyday that I feel it builds up and then collapses. Sometimes I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I have no idea how to accept that this is the way my life is going to be. I just want to live without thinking about it. Wit [...]

new thinking and book recommendation

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Hope everyone is getting by.

Lately I have been better. People have said all along that it's the way you think that can help and I always cast that aside and say that I cant control my thoughts. Maybe it's bc the meds have kicked in or I'm getting sick of being anxious all the time but I have noticed a change in my thoughts and actions. I sat in my house for six months thinking poor me and wasted that time that I will never get back. I'm st [...]

hopeless today

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I realized that I forgot how to live. I don't know how to just "be". It's like anxiety is always right next to me. Sitting next to me on the couch, in the passenger seat of my car...always telling me to be scared. It's been since October since I have had this again and I can't shake it.

Sometimes I think about just throwing in the towel and accepting that this is how it's going to be bc nothing I have tried is really working.&n [...]

The good times

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Tonight I did something I wouldn't have done a month ago. I drove to my sister's house at night while it was snowing. I was not that bothered. I did something that felt like the old me and it felt great. I realized that I haven't really listened to music since this happened. The radio is always on in the car but I am usually to distracted with my thoughts. Tonight I dug out some old cd's and sang at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs.& [...]

going thru the motions

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Lately I feel I am just going through the motions of life. i get up and do the things i have to do like class and work. I'm uncomfortable the entire time and count the seconds until i can run home to safety. I feel like it should have faded away by now. I am starting to think this is the rest of my life. If it is going to be like this forever there's no way I can take it. Every couple of days I break down bc I am so tired of everything. I a [...]

heart palps ruining my week

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Since Monday I have been having heart palps/flutters or whatever it is daily and multiple times a day. Called my primary doc and she told me to seek psych treatment which pissed me off. Even if she's right i feel it's always better to be cautious. So i went to a new doctor who wants to do every test just to rule it out. Perfect find for someone with anxiety! So i had an ekg which was normal. However, that does not bring me relief since my heart wasn [...]

heart palps ruining my week

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Not winning this

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I am losing slowly to anxiety. My obsessions won't go away. I started school and an internship yet it's still all i can think about. I wanted to go to a support group tonight bc I borrowed a book from someone there and couldn't get myself to go. I haven't been in weeks. I had heart flutters multiple times today so I knew I would get nothing done. I tried to go to the meeting twice but made it half way down my street both times before deci [...]

Tough night

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I had a bit of a melt down today. We are told the things we are supposed to do in a panic attack but i feel so far gone when I am in one that I am incapable of doing anything. It's so strong. I wanted to curl in ball. I haven't had an actually panic attack in a while so I am not nervous that I will revert to where I was four moths ago, which was on the couch unable to move. I have too much riding on this right now. I have an internship and school and d [...]

Obsessive thoughts

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0100

does anyone else deal with obsessive thoughts? They are killing me right now! I am obsessed with the idea that I could drop dead at any moment. Although unlikely, I still hold on to that .0000001% chance it could happen! It's all I think about. I don't have panic attacks anymore which is weird. I have a constant level of anxiety but I do get symptoms like the ones I used to.

Here's the problem: I feel no one knows how to help m [...]

Don't know anymore

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I am so trapped in this thing it sucks. What I don't know is how much of it I am doing to myself and how much of it is meds not working well. Could i really be sabotaging myself? But why would i do that. Every time I get upset my parents say I'm letting it beat me again. I can't beat it on my own. In all reality I don't want to be scared of life all the time. I am so immersed in the concept that I could die at any moment that I have no id [...]

What I want to hear

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I have realized that part of the reason I am not doing well with therapy is bc they aren't telling me what I want to hear. I fear death and not being able to live a normal life bc of my anxiety and fears. But they can't give me guarantee. No one can. I have to learn to live with the uncertainty. However, no one tells me how to do this. I also think my meds aren't great. I feel like if i felt ok I could start working on myself but can't bc [...]

New obsession

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0100

So last week I started my internship and school. Haven't panicked in class or at work but do get nervous on the way there. I have noticed that I have not had any panic attacks, just preoccupations with things. My doc put me on anafranil almost a month ago to stop some of the obsessions that were making me anxious like dropping dead. I now find that I don't have panic but i have more obsessing. here is what it is even though I am embarrassed to admit it.

first step to living again

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Today I started class. It was a short class but it still meant getting out of the house and driving to school then sitting with strangers with no safety. Surprisingly, the worst part was the drive there. As soon as I got in the class I was fine and did not have any anxiety the hour and a half we were there. Tomorrow comes the hard part. I have to start my internship which is five hours then have a three hour class at night. I am worried I won't be able [...]

Big Step

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Tomorrow I start grad school again. I left my other grad school in October and have been sitting on the couch since. It's almost as if I forgot how to live and be a member of society. For four months I have filled my head with irrational thoughts and beliefs and became stuck.

So tomorrow I have to venture out into the world and do not have a choice. i can't sit in my parent house forever. My anxiety comes from the thought that I could dr [...]

Today

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0100

So I am supposed to go out to eat with two of my oldest friends later on tonight. It's about a twenty minute drive away. Driving alone seems to be my biggest problem. I don't want something to happen to me while I am alone.

Today i've been attacked by my obsessive thought that there is something wrong with my heart and I am going to drop dead. It's as if I am sitting here waiting for it to happen. Although it never does, I am still sca [...]

Realizations

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I'm waiting for this a-ha moment or to hit rock bottom. I feel like I need to come to a point where I have had enough and I don't know why I haven't gotten there yet. I've made some realizations.

1. I sabotage myself. I don't do what doc's or books tell me to do. I try once and give up. I discredit everything anyone tells me bc in my mind they don't understand.

2. I self diagnose which is the worst thing [...]

No hope today

mgagliarducci@gmail.com — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 23:00:00 +0100

In September i was living on my own and going to grad school. For whatever reason this bastard called panic and anxiety came back. This is the fourth time in my 28 yrs dealing with this. I have gotten through it before but I am afraid this time I won't. I have been doing nothing since October. I left school and came home and basically have been living my life on a couch. I go to therapy weekly and take meds. Like I've mentioned before no [...]