Blog Entries for Mandy2009

Inception

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 23:00:00 +0100

Hey all, I know its been a while. I wanted to warn all of you, do not see Inception if you struggle with depersonalization. It's bad to watch even if you have just have anxiety. It was freaky and really messed with my head.

Just a quick update, I have been trying to keep as busy as I can. But some days I still struggle through. I am trying to just stay in the moment and accept myself as is. The anniversary of my abortion really did a number on me.

I'm thinking that [...]

Its been a while

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Well, I'd thought I'd write a bit to tell you all whats been going on. I have written on here in a long time. I was hospitalized again for this illness and with it gained some coping skills. But mostly everything is the same. Lots of ups and downs. I am having a couple down days which is probably why I visited this site again. I'm kinda losing hope. I don't believe there is a way out of this anymore. I truly think that I will be like this for the rest of my life. This ma [...]

Shrinking hippocampus?

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Hey guys, I know its been a while. I hope everyone is doing well. I have a question for you all. Are you guys having bad memory problems? I really can't remember anything even things I've done the day before. And lately, I've been reading and coming across how anxiety and depression shrink the hippocampus, the area in the brain responsible for memory. Even worse, its supposedly irreversible.

Comments please!

At my worst

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I am now at the worst I've ever been. While I struggled over the weekend with the anniversary of my abortion, I also struggled with the option of taking a full-time job offer. The decision making process was so grueling. I wanted to take the offer so that I could become independent, have insurance, and move in with my bf. Those are my goals. However, the job included crazy hours working 6 days a week and weekends. I didn't like that idea and I also was considering doing so [...]

I don't know

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I really didn't know what to title this blog. I haven't been on in a while so I will give you a quick update. I finally got off Cymbalta. It wasn't doing much for me and coming off of it made my symptoms 10x worse. Unfortunately, they are still lingering. The drug is definately out of my system but now I am just far worse than when I started all these drug trials. But despite my frustration, I have decided to continue on with the drug trials. It's not really determination, I&# [...]

Weaning off my meds (update)

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 23:00:00 +0100

This seems like a common topic lately. The last two days I've been on 30mg of Cymbalta now. Last week I was on 60 and the week before that I was on 90mg. If you haven't read my previous blog, my doc would like to put me on Desiprimine (trycyclic anti-depressants). I've been on 6 medications, 2 since January. I'm still debating on getting off everything for a little while. All the medication switching has produced more anxiety for me and I have been unable to pinpoint my real s [...]

My pending decision

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I just came back from my psychiatrist. Cymbalta isn't working. He now wants to put me on some old tri-cyclic antidepressant called Desipramine. I've never even heard of it. At first I began to cry. I've tried every class of drug (SSRI, SNRI etc.)..some have worked for a while and others not at all. And now I feel that he has no clue what to do anymore so he is putting me on some crazy old meds. He keeps saying, "I know its frustrating and discouraging." How would he know [...]

Needing Distractions!

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Hello all! Unfortunately this week I have less to do. Last week I replaced someone at my work so I had a full week. I noticed that I do better when I'm busy. However, knowing that I have to work makes me somewhat anxious. I'm currently looking for a full-time job. I haven't worked full-time in 2 years. It's extremely scary because I never know when I'm going to have a "bad" day anxiety wise. This damn disorder is so unpredictable. On the other h [...]

Anger/ Resentment

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Thu, 27 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Okay, so I'm still really upset about that fight with my sister. For those of you who haven't read it its the blog titled "It gets worse." I qualified for a public defender and the court case is June 9th. Today I recieved the police reports including my sister's statement. All of it makes me sound like a psychotic aggressive person. I really don't think I am. Even though my sister and I "made up" I am still really angry with her. I can't even stand [...]

A must watch movie!

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Wed, 26 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Good evening my ps friends. Last night when I bought the book I told you all about in my last blog, I came across a movie called "Numb" starring Mathew Perry (from Friends). I watched it last night and loved it. It's a romantic comedy about a guy suffering from anxiety and depersonalization. It's not depressing at all and rather funny. It brings humor into this crazy disorder. He believes that smoking pot put him into this state and he is determined to get rid of [...]

Helpful Book

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Tue, 25 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Hey guys. I hope everyone is doing okay. I came across a book on depersonalization and anxiety. It's called Overcoming Depersonalization and Feelings of Unreality: A Mindfulness and Acceptance Guide to Conquering Feelings of Numbness and Unreality. As you already know, there are many facets to this disorder and some of us are lucky to experience more than one symptom at the same time. This book doesn't just help the depersonalization symptoms but also applies to the other ones. Read 3 [...]

Hebrew 13:5

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Sun, 23 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Well, my anxiety has been about the same, still struggling. I don't think the Cymbalta is doing much for me (its been 4 weeks). I don't know about all of you or your beliefs but I have been praying to God to relieve me of this disorder for the year and a half that I've had it. I have faith in God and believe in prayer although at times I lose my way, I get angry at Him, and I lose hope. Sometimes when I pray I feel like I'm just talking to myself or the wall, but I pray [...]

The Panic Attacks

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Thu, 20 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Like I said in my last blog, I can cope with the other symptoms of anxiety but the panic attacks. Unfortunately they have returned in the last couple of weeks. For a few months I was free of them. Now they're back with vengence. I had a pa last week at work and than managed to get through the rest of the week although the fear of them still lingers. I had another one today. It was worse than last week's. My panic attacks are a little different from the typical heart pounding ones. It& [...]

The Fear is back

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Wed, 12 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

In the last thing, with everything that has gone on (simple assault charge because of the fight with my sister) my panic attacks have come back. I previously was experiencing just despersonalization for 5 or 6 months. In that time I kind of forgot about getting panic attacks. I worried about having the anxiety but not the attacks. Panic attacks are the WORST thing in the world. My fear of them have returned. I wish I can just get rid of the fear of having them and just deal with them as they [...]

Confused & Forgetting

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Fri, 07 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

Since Tuesday night I've been staying at my bf's house since the big fight with my sister. He just came home from traveling yesterday and he leaves again tomorrow. I went home today and it felt so strange. First of all I was nervous which was wierd and was also experiencing a dream-like feeling. While there I felt like a visitor. Like it wasn't my home. I didn't have that I'm home feeling. I forgot what it felt like to be there. The conversati [...]

It gets worse...

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Tue, 04 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

So on Tuesday night I was supposed to volunteer with my family at te Special Olympics. I was putting on my make-up when I just started to cry hysterically. All of you know how terrible things have been lately with my newest medication change. I told my mom that I wouldn't be going because I felt so horrible. She told me that she wasn't going to go either and that she would like to stay with me. My sister was unsure whether or not she was going. My mom was trying to get me [...]

Breakdown...I'm sorry

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I know I just wrote a blog last night but I don't know what to do. I'm so scared all the time and I have no one else to talk to. I feel so alone. The depersonalization is soooo bad. I woke up today feeling so sad. I feel as though I'm just a passenger in my body. Like I'm not the person talking or doing the things I'm doing. Everything and everyone around me looks fake, like plastic. I'm scared that I have a severe dissociative disorder. When I go to work& [...]

Job/Career stress

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100

So in addition to not feeling my best lately, I have all this career stress hanging over my head. I thought I'd ask my PS friends for advice. My new job as an activities assistant for patients with dementia has been proving to be somewhat rewarding but at the same time depressing. I worry about them. I know I will get close to them and when they pass away I'll be devastated. It's like loosing my grandfather all over again (he had dementia too, died in Feb.). Why did I [...]

Another day

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 23:00:00 +0100

I've been on Cymbalta 30mg for 4 days now and still not feeling well at all, possibly worse. In addition to the anxiety and depression, I feel dizzy and nauseous. I'm waiting to feel better and in the meantime, I'm feeling horrible.

Yesterday, after running into a neighbor who's wife is expecting their first child I had a huge meltdown. I felt angry.....so angry that I proceeded to email my bf a hate letter which described my resentment towards him. I'm a [...]

The House Wins

aburgess52385@yahoo.com — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 23:00:00 +0100

So I saw my psych doc and it looks like I'll be starting Cymbalta on Tuesdday. I decided to wait till then because I have orientation for my new job on Monday and I'm afraid of the side effects. Tonight my sis and her bf are going to see a movie. I was invited to go but I'm not going. I have a battle going on in my head right now. I know I should go because it would be good for me to get out. I haven't been out all day. But I'm afraid of having a PA in front of my sis' [...]