Blog Entries for Aimmy

brief update and AHA moment in it

ladyament@gmail.com — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 23:00:00 +0100

Just feeling anxious so I decided to Blog. I'm now part of a CBT group. I'm enjoying it. It helps hold me accountable for putting effort into meeting my goals. I'm working on breaking big goals into little goals, and working on some small-scale self exposure as well as other things that will help. I'm not LEARNING much, but it's helping me put things into practice. Especially practicing a classroom-like situation, which is a big trigger for me. My Counselor dropped me abou [...]

Thinking about Mom

ladyament@gmail.com — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 23:00:00 +0100

My throat is tight. My neck is tight. My breathing shallow. My chest constricted. I feel like my arms are fluttering. I just got off the phone with my Mom. Nothing really bad came up in the conversation. We touched on a few rough topics, as we can't help but do, but mostly avoided falling into their mire. So why am I feeling this way? Why am I having a panic reaction? I think, because she seemed uninterested in me. True, I don't have much going on right now. I tried not to r [...]

Feeling is so overwhelming

ladyament@gmail.com — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 23:00:00 +0100

Hello all. It's been a long time since I blogged here. Right now though I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with my emotions and I really want to 'talk it out'. I'm down to seeing my Counselor once every two weeks, and this week she's sick, so I don't know when I'll see her next, and I really needed to see her on my appointment day and didn't get the chance, so things are built up strenuously inside me right now.

Right now I'm feeling very sa [...]

Lies lies lies!

ladyament@gmail.com — Sun, 08 May 2011 23:00:00 +0100

Well, I did it again. My parents were drunk and I believed what they said. They said they were interested in paying for me and hubby to come visit and finally have an actual wedding, or at least that they'd go halfers. I thought about it all night, I could barely sleep. I spent so much time figuring out how we could save maximum funds and still have something that would feel good. I want a home-grown wedding, where instead of gifts people tend to pitch in. Someone brings a lot of salad, some [...]

Pretty Darn Good!

ladyament@gmail.com — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 23:00:00 +0100

By my own standards I've been doing pretty darn good! Every time I try to focus on that the little gremlins in the back of my mind (figuratively speaking) tell me about my shortcomings and how far I have to go... but I'm trying really hard to not even listen. Here's some of what I've been up to lately:

Baking four big batches of very healthy muffins over two days AND cleaning the muffin pan myself between batches!

Making main meals ahead for a half month in two day [...]

One success doesn't wipe out the other failure.

ladyament@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 23:00:00 +0100

I haven't written in awhile again. Mostly because I've been more socially active (even if it is mostly online) - yay!

I'm feeling pretty anxious right now. I still have a hard time just enjoying our progress and enjoying anything. We went out tonight for 3 hours to a friend's house! And it wasn't just those two and their child there, it was also two other friends and their two big dogs. I had fun, but hubby wanted to leave sooner than I did. That wasn't suc [...]

Not OK, not OK at all.

ladyament@gmail.com — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 23:00:00 +0100

I'm not OK. I'm doing better in some ways, but I'm still very not OK. I'm so TIRED of hearing from medical professionals that I JUST need to push through the anxiety, make myself sleep regularly, and all the other nonsense they try to feed me. They don't understand. I don't think high-power professionals are the type of people who are capable of understanding what I go through. My doctor is currently running a practice and a half because he picked up patients when anot [...]

Spilling my guts

ladyament@gmail.com — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 23:00:00 +0100

I haven't been on the site in awhile. Honestly, I think I've been doing pretty good. This afternoon I didn't get up until 3pm though and hubby's still in bed and I'm not dealing with it well. We got Netflix which helps me be alone, but it usually only helps for an hour or two. Just like my dog only helps for awhile. I hope she'll help more when she's task-trained for service. We finally ordered the service dog books we need. Only one has arrived so far, but it feel [...]

Anxiety, Coffee, Parents...

ladyament@gmail.com — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 23:00:00 +0100

I have high anxiety right now, about nothing in particular. Usually I at least have a bunch of negative thoughts or flashbacks going on. Sometimes it comes out of the blue though. I'm worried though that it might be related to my recent taking-up of coffee drinking in the morning. I have one or two cups a day right now. I started because I found it got me moving and made it easier to get a few things done on any given day. It almost clears my head. But yes, it wires me up at least at [...]

Swings

ladyament@gmail.com — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 23:00:00 +0100

Having a hard time. Hubby just freaked out while playing a game with me online because people we were playing with weren't listening to him. So we both logged out. It isn't very fun for me without him lately anyway. I can understand how he got upset, but it seems disproportionate. I thought he might break his computer. Not the first time I've thought that, though thankfully he didn't. He has broken stuff in the past, but that was long ago. Still, I get afraid he will when he g [...]

Angry and don't know how to say goodbye.

ladyament@gmail.com — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 23:00:00 +0100

There's so much I should write to update and I need to explore more, but right now I'm just really angry and stuck on one question: Why do I even want my parents in my life?! They don't want to be with me, and I'm pushing rather than accepting that. I want these people, who completely messed me up, even if they do love me (which I believe of Mom but still don't believe of Dad), to be part of my daily life again?! But it's true. I want my family. I guess I just feel it& [...]

Gotta write.

ladyament@gmail.com — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 23:00:00 +0100

I really just need to write right now. I'm so shaken. I spent my night trying to convince Teachers and old Bosses that they should cut me some slack for the future because my skipping out and eventual quitting was all because of panic. Of course, this was all in dreams, or to be more accurate, nightmares. I've thought to myself that if I ever go back to school I want to taken my service dog and be full disclosure about my disorder with school counselors and teachers. I've also tho [...]

Question

ladyament@gmail.com — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 23:00:00 +0100

Hey just a (relatively) quick question or five (lol):

Does anyone else here ever find they don't allow themselves to relax, or have fun? I mean that as in that you notice that whenever you're having a "good day" you therefore raise your bar of expectations for yourself? Maybe that and/or you somehow feel you're "being bad" if you just enjoy yourself?

I'm finding this a lot. Like today... it's a good day. But I can't really relax be [...]

I see what I see, I know what I know and I feel what I feel.

ladyament@gmail.com — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 23:00:00 +0100

Wow. Today's Empowerment group topic was "We learn to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know and we feel what we feel." Whew *sigh of relief and happiness* It feels GOOD.

I kind of monopolized the group a bit once I got going, though I was slow to start. This was hard. I realized that -I- invalidate -myself- every day. I've internalized my oppression. I assume others will judge me as wrong or silly or stupi [...]

Things, they are a changin'.

ladyament@gmail.com — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 23:00:00 +0100

Ok. I feel like I should write about this, but it's difficult. I've talked with my mom very deeply, and spoken with my dad some about what I want. I'm happy I've done it, but I'm still nervous around it. And probably with good reason.

I guess I should back the story up...

Hubby and I have decided to become parents. Not right now, but sometime in the next 3-7 years. It was a very hard decision, that took a lot of time. In the end though, I realized thi [...]

Blowing off steam about back pain.

ladyament@gmail.com — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 23:00:00 +0100

Oook, just trying to blow off some steam. My back has been bothering me again lately. I was doing good with exercising, and then one day I just woke up with immense back pain. Even walking a block is very painful. I'm in pain even when I don't move, and there are a lot of movements which hurt a lot. I see the doctor on Wednesday. I was tempted to go into emerg. on Saturday because it's not getting any better (or rather, it was worse, got better over a couple days, and is now froze [...]

Stuff with hubby

ladyament@gmail.com — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:00:00 +0100

I really feel I'm on a slippery slope. I kind of kicked myself in the pants today and said that I'd been loafing around enough because my back was sore and it's been effecting my mood. I still didn't do much today, but I did pick back up some social responsibilities I had let lapse over the last week. I'm already regretting it. I don't think I was actually ready. But I'm still going to try anyway. I'm actually afraid of how bad I'm doing. I'm afraid I&# [...]

Bulimia

ladyament@gmail.com — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 23:00:00 +0100

I ate a lot tonight. Lately, whenever I do that, I really get this urge to empty my stomach after.. that is, to be bulimic. I've never done it, but I have tried to. This is really difficult to talk about. I know I've mentioned it in brief to my therapist. I want to try to talk with her more about it. I see her tomorrow, but our appointment will be weird as it's the first one where she's inviting her supervisor to sit in. I've approved that, and I think it really [...]

Where's the Balance?

ladyament@gmail.com — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 23:00:00 +0100

So I'm feeling tense, and worried, and guilty, and afraid. All because I've been trying more lately to say what I want, and I'm afraid I've swung the pendulum too far that way. I'm worried about my husband. I think he felt I was picking him apart a lot lately, when I'm just trying to express my true wants and needs. And I'm afraid he thinks I don't care and is in emotional pain because things are changing and he's not being care-taken as much by m [...]

What I want for myself

ladyament@gmail.com — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 23:00:00 +0100

I'm coming to the place where I'm starting to acknowledge my needs and wants and honour them. It's still a work in progress, but already it feels... right. It's hard though, mostly because I'm finding even people who want to help me seem to try to box me in. They want to understand, but to do that they often don't listen so much as think and talk. They attempt to define me and my ideas, wants, goals, etc. by what they already know.
A big need I have is love. My husba [...]